When a family’s dynamic changes because a relationship ends, it can be sad and confusing for everyone. Once you and your partner have decided to part ways, the best way to make sure your kids’ needs are met is to encourage and support their continued relationship with both parents. Kids will move toward healing as both parents continue to play an active role in their lives.
Although every co-parenting situation has its own circumstances, many families face similar struggles. Finding common ground with your co-parent after separation might be easier said than done. Remember, the relationship you have with your former partner has changed completely. It may be helpful to frame your co-parenting situation as a business partnership: You and your ex are the partners, the business is your children. Putting aside your differences and finding ways to amicably work together will influence your kids’ mental and emotional well-being for the better.
Your goal should always be to put your child’s needs ahead of your own—whether your co-parent does or not. Taking the responsibility to be mature about the situation makes a huge difference, and anything that makes life easier for your kids is worth the effort!
Below, you’ll find 10 ways to nurture a successful relationship with your co-parent. Keep in mind that if your family has faced serious issues such as violence or abuse, all of these may not be possible to achieve from the start (or ever)—and that is okay. If you struggle with day-to-day communication with your co-parent, don’t lose heart! It’s never too late to introduce these ideas.
1. Establish Boundaries. This can be especially challenging when a relationship has just ended. Things that are totally outside of your control—like who your ex is dating, their job stress or their family drama—are not worth trying to fix. If your co-parent wants to be involved in your personal business, calmly (but firmly) remind them that you will only discuss issues that concern the kids.
2. Be Flexible. Demonstrate to your co-parent your willingness to work with them when it’s for something that benefits the kids. If your co-parent offers to take them to a special, one-time event that you know the kids would love, let them go! Kids don’t want to pick and choose where they spend their time, but they do want to know that both parents are looking out for their best interests. If that means that you lose a few hours of time, don’t sweat it. Regardless of what your parenting time split looks like, keep in mind that fair doesn’t always mean equal—and let the kids have as many adventures and experiences as possible.
3. Don’t Manipulate. Always recognize that kids need to have a relationship with both parents. Don’t try to control their allegiance! You’re in a co-parenting relationship—not a contest of which of you is the better parent. Attempting to make your kid think poorly of your ex helps no one. Instead, allow the kids to miss their other parent when they are with you, and show empathy when they talk about wishing they could be at their other home.
4. Take Advantage of the Digital Age. It is definitely possible to stay up to date on things that are going on in your kids’ lives—even if those things happen when they’re with their other parent! Create a Google Drive where you can each upload photos and mementos. You can include school photos, report cards, art projects, homework examples, cute stories or quotes, videos of their accomplishments and more! Bonus: when your kids are grown up, they’ll have a digital scrapbook of their childhood created by both of their parents.
5. Respect Your Co-Parent. When it comes to minor, day-to-day issues, the way your co-parent parents your child is really no longer any of your business! Don’t constantly badger your kids with questions about what is happening during their time with their other parent, and don’t quiz your ex about silly things—like whether or not the kids had enough vegetables with their meals. It’s not worth the conflict! Trust that your co-parent also has your kids’ best interests at heart, just like you do.
6. Be Positive and Consistent. Remind the kids often how much you love them. Being positive with your co-parent might be a different story, but strive to be friendly and kind when you do interact with them. Consider co-parent counseling if you’re unable to work together with your ex effectively. Co-parenting can be stressful, but even when things are difficult, you can still be positive for your kids!
7. Let Your Children Love Their Other Parent. Remember, your children still love their other parent! Don’t badmouth your ex to your kids and don’t air your complaints on social media, either (once it’s on the internet, it stays there!). Instead, reach out to a trusted friend if you need to vent. You can even help your children make their other parent a birthday card or take them to the store to pick out holiday gifts. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.
8. Parenting Time Transitions. It’s best to keep transition times as easy and stress-free as possible. If things are tense between you and your ex-partner, make the transitions consistent and quick. Encourage your kids to have fun, kiss them goodbye and be on your way. Take time after the exchange has ended to process your own emotions. Your kids are dealing with enough of their own feelings; they shouldn’t have to take yours on, too.
9. Be Kind to Yourself. If your co-parent has the kids, that means you get a break! So enjoy it! Read a book, schedule a massage or binge watch a whole season of TV in a weekend. Make time to take care of you so that you can be the best version of yourself when your kids come back home.
10. Forgive Your Ex. This is tough, but it’s so important! Make a conscious choice to forgive your ex and put the past behind you. Recognize that the only thing you can control is your own behavior. You’ll be modeling to your kids how to handle big emotions in a mature way—and that is something you can be proud of!
Julie McKinley is a single homeschooling mom, freelance writer and theater teacher. She lives with her two cats and two kids in Lee’s Summit.