We all want to be good parents, but sometimes in our quest to raise our children to become well-mannered, bright, successful adults, we over-parent. By hovering over our children every moment, we prevent them from becoming independent. Here are a few signs you might be over-parenting:
- You interfere during playtime. Children often get into conflicts when playing together; they might fight over the only doll in the room or argue over the best way to build a block tower. Do you immediately step in to resolve the conflict by telling them how to build the tower or to share the doll? Try this: Step aside and let children figure out a solution themselves. This builds their problem solving skills, which are necessary to navigating life. As long as nobody is getting hurt, there is usually no need for you to step in.
- You help with their homework. Sure, it’s fine to guide your children if they need occasional clarification on the assignment. But if you’re answering questions such as “What’s 8 x 7?” and “What’s the capital of Texas?” you’re essentially doing the work for them, and that’s not doing them any favors. Try this: Let your children figure out the answers themselves. Encourage them by asking, “How can you find that out?” and “What do you think the answer is?” And if your child doesn’t complete the homework on time, let her deal with the consequences.
- You try to do the teacher’s job. Do you march to the school when your youngster brings home anything less than an A? Email the teacher constantly to check on your child? Linger at drop off? Whitney Szczucinski, a second grade teacher in the Belton School District, says, “Over-parenting can at times have a negative impact on the relationship between a child and her teacher. I value family involvement, but sometimes parents have a hard time letting go and trusting the teacher to do her job.” Try this: Cut the cord and trust that the teacher knows what he or she is doing. Give your child room to become independent in the classroom; allow him to learn from his mistakes and persevere through challenges.
- You repeat yourself constantly. Do you catch yourself dictating an order (“Clean your room!” “Do your homework!”), then saying the same thing a few minutes later when it hasn’t been done … and again … and again? I admit I’m guilty of this and I often sound like a broken record. Surprise! Soon the kids tune me out. Try this: Teach your kids independence and let them figure out that when something needs to be done, they should do it. Start with gentle reminders and ask questions: “What do you think you should do now?” The result will be independent children instead of robots.
- You give kids too few responsibilities. Parents who do all the work around the house have offspring who are ill-prepared when they join the real world. Kids who pitch in around the house learn work ethics, boost their self-esteem, become more independent and learn the value of teamwork. Belton mom Julie Bresette’s three kids have regular chores, such as laundry, dusting, picking up their rooms and cleaning the bathroom. She says, “I don't pay them for these jobs. I always tell them we are a family and families help each other for free.” Try this: Make a list of age-appropriate chores for your kids. Post the list of tasks on the fridge and talk about how running a household is a big job that requires everyone’s help.
- You praise profusely. Obviously you want to congratulate your children on a job well done. But constant praising, especially on skills mastered long ago, is monotonous and unnecessary. Try this: Save the kudos for new skills, good grades and other big achievements. Pass on exuberantly praising the cartwheels she’s been doing for three years.
While researching this article, Tisha Foley realized she is guilty of over-parenting on occasion. She is working on backing off a bit to help her two children become more independent.