Having a baby in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) is difficult and can feel isolating and stressful for any parent. No one expects to have a premature or medically fragile baby, so parents often feel overwhelmed and unprepared. For new parents, seeing their baby hooked up to monitors and tubes can be heartbreaking. Here are a few things for NICU parents to remember that make the journey a little easier.
Take care of yourself
One of the biggest challenges for NICU parents is prioritizing their own physical and emotional health. You may feel like you don’t have the time or energy to put yourself first, but taking care of yourself is a crucial part of taking care of your baby. Make sure to choose healthy and regular meals, drink plenty of water and get enough sleep. There are health care professionals who are dedicated to caring for your baby, and it’s OK to take breaks from the hospital when you need to. “It really is OK if you need to leave your baby in the NICU while you go home to recharge, see your other kids, take a shower and eat a home-cooked meal,” says Gina Walford, St Louis mom of four. “I felt like I had to camp out there, and it took a toll on me, my husband and our oldest kid.”
It’s OK to not be OK
You’ve prepared for the birth of your baby and set expectations of what the pregnancy, birth and first days of life after delivery will be like. When your baby is born early or has medical needs, parents are forced to change these expectations quickly and often without any warning. Mothers are also dealing with increased hormones, lack of sleep and recovering from childbirth, all while managing the ups and downs of having a baby in the NICU. It is OK to not be OK. Don’t hesitate to speak with a therapist, counselor or support group if you are feeling overwhelmed or to ask friends and family for help.
Ask for help
A common feeling among NICU parents is the pressure to do everything alone. Accept help from others, whether it is in the form of a home-cooked meal, someone to watch your older children or a friend to listen to you. Receiving the help will make your life easier and less stressful. “Embrace the journey, even if it’s not what you planned for. And let people bless you. Say yes to the visit. The meal. The coffee,” says Val Uria, Olathe mom of three.
Advocate and ask questions
In your role as a NICU parent, recognize how important it is to ask questions and understand the medical procedures, diagnoses and treatments. Don’t be afraid to ask your baby’s health care team for clarification or additional information. “Advocate for your baby and yourself,” says Jessica Kendall, Olathe mom of three. “Trust your gut; hormones and emotions just amplify what your intuition is telling you.” Feel comfortable with your baby’s care team and engage with them to learn how you can support your baby’s development. Remember, you are your baby’s strongest advocate, and you know your little one best.
Celebrate milestones
Celebrate every milestone, no matter how small. Every new ounce of weight gained, every new feeding taken and every successful medical test are things to celebrate. Even if your baby has a long way to go, take time to acknowledge and record her progress. Celebrations can be as simple as a photo, a handwritten note or a small gift for your baby.
Record the journey
Keeping a journal or a diary can help parents cope with the overwhelming emotions that come with the NICU. Documenting your journey can help you reflect on your experiences and create a record of your baby’s progress. It can also serve as a gift to your child as he gets older and learns about his time in the NICU. This will not only help you better navigate the NICU experience, but it will also serve as a keepsake that you can hold on to for years to come.
NICU parents go through an experience that is unique and challenging. Remember that you are not alone and that with the right support, you can make it through the journey. The NICU days are long and difficult and often feel never-ending while you are in the moment. Soon enough, you will be bringing your baby home, and you will be able to look back and reflect on how far you and your baby have come.
What to Say to a NICU Parent
It can be hard to know what to say to encourage a friend who has a child in the NICU. You can start by using one of the phrases below. Then just listen and follow your friend’s lead.
- How are you doing? How is your partner doing?
- How is your baby doing?
- Do you need help with your older kids?
- You are a good mom/dad.
- You are doing the best you can.
- It’s OK to feel scared/upset/angry/sad.
- Can I bring you something to eat or drink?
- Can I see pictures of the baby?
- Do you want to talk about it?
- It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about it.
- Is there anything I can do to help?
- I would like to help you by ______ (mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, running errands, making dinner, picking the kids up from school, etc.)
- I will be thinking of you/I will pray for you.
- This is not your fault.
Sarah Lyons is a mom of six, including 9-year-old triplets who spent between 16 and 41 days in the NICU after they were born six weeks early.