I come in contact with many kids every week with all the school articles I write and with other activities in my life, and I have noticed that most kids, be they in elementary school, middle school, or high school, are looking for signs of approval that they really are okay.
In elementary school, kids look up to us adults like we are absolutely amazing people with cool jobs and fun lives, and they just want to be a part of the excitement for a while.
In middle school, kids are struggling with who they are and where they fit in life. They go from acting like little kids one minute to dealing with very grown-up issues the next and are looking for some sign that they are doing a good job getting through the mire.
In high school, kids think they have it all figured out, and they act cool. In reality, they are itching for some sign that they are getting it right by adult standards.
What is the common ground between all ages of kids is that they glow when we take the time to tell them something good about themselves. It can be anything from, “You look nice today” to “You’re very well spoken” to “What a cool binder!”
What I have found that kids appreciate the most is compliments that have to do with who they are as people. Kids of all ages are secretly so unsure of themselves and live in such a superficial society that a comment made requiring thought and going beyond that superficial layer really resonates with them. Every child I have given a thoughtful compliment to literally has brightened visibly.
Kids are constantly wondering if they are good enough – not good enough at sports or schoolwork, necessarily, although those are issues of their own - but good enough as people. They truly wonder if they are “all right” in comparison to other kids and other people: “Do other people think like I do?” “Do other people have the same fears I do?” “Do people really like me?”
And because kids are so insecure about their own selves, they are not ready emotionally to give any substantial compliments to their peers. Children know they are accepted only when they are included, but even that is really more the taking away of a punishment (being excluded) than the giving of a reward (a compliment.) Because of this, kids only have one source of real, genuine, deep compliments – adults. Guess what? That’s us!
Think back to when you were a kid. When I was young and I got a compliment on something important to me, I would feed off of it for days, running it through my head over and over again. A compliment on something I was insecure about could make my entire day, sometimes even my entire week, and it would affect the way I felt about myself for even longer.
That’s why this is so important – kids think of themselves what people tell them. If we tell them they are creative and intelligent and funny, they will start to believe it. If we tell them bad things, they will start to believe them. If we don’t tell them anything, they really won’t have a clue. Kids need to hear good things about themselves – often – and repeatedly.
We all come in contact with kids. Be it our own, the neighbor’s kid, a kid you teach, or a kid you see in public, take the time and make the extra effort to make a positive impact on that child’s life. Smile, say something nice, and look at them with acceptance. You never know how much of a difference you might make in that child’s life.