In our youth, many of us were taught that saying no or asserting a boundary was rude. Were you ever forced to hug the uncle that gave you the creeps so you wouldn’t seem impolite? Or asked to perform your dance recital at a moment’s notice for a room full of strangers?
I’m shuddering.
Thankfully, in these more modern times, the expectation for a child’s autonomy has blessedly shifted. Kids aren’t performing monkeys, nor are they mean to be “seen and not heard.” Children are now recognized for the human beings they are, complete with feelings, fears and boundaries. Specifically, your children’s need to assert their needs is real and important. And as with almost everything else, that assertive skill is not inherent. It’s learned.
Guess who gets to teach them this skill?
Spoiler alert: It’s you.
Kids are whole people. And as they develop cognitively and emotionally, our job as parents is to help them learn and exercise growing independence in small, digestible, age-appropriate amounts until one day—wham! They’re ready for the world.
Here are three tips to raise children who can effectively and respectfully assert themselves today and, more importantly, beyond tomorrow.
Support Physical Autonomy and Boundaries
This is the first building block of assertiveness. Your children’s bodies belong to them. As early as possible, implement the mindset that your child has a choice with whom and when to give physical affection or allowance. This even applies to how the child interacts with us as their parents. If your children are experiencing a moment when they don’t want to be touched (c’mon, we’ve all been there), they can safely say, “No thanks, not right now.” That is their boundary, and you must respect it. Why does this matter? Down the road, if someone tries to violate their physical boundaries, they are much more likely to mention it to you, a teacher or someone of authority.
By the way, it’s never too late to have this discussion. Encourage open communication about who is allowed to touch your child and who is not at every stage of growth. If your child is comfortable early on with asserting boundaries, it will be a reflex later on. So when someone tries the ol’ “Nice to meet you! I’m a hugger!” your grown children will assert themselves and confidently respond, “No thanks, I’m actually not a hugger. How about a handshake?”
Allow for decisions
We can’t let our children decide every single aspect of their lives when they’re young. If we did, they’d eat Oreos for breakfast and wear shorts in the snow. But we should seek out ways to allow them decisions in their day-to-day doings. Find pathways to give your children the confidence to choose what’s right for them, within appropriate parameters.
Every kid wants a snack. A lenient “choose your snack” response is a recipe for a disaster, tears and screaming. “Would you like an apple or some graham crackers for a snack?” is a clear-cut way to offer a sense of autonomy without sacrificing nutrition or your sanity.
But wait - don’t get too comfortable. You aren’t done yet.
Although the “two option” approach is often necessary to keep the day moving, it’s also a good idea to expound a bit. Scooch over to make some room for mistakes. When your child insists that he must wear his socks in the rain puddles, let him. When wet feet and heavy socks are the result, don’t judge and say, “Told you so!” Instead, simply demonstrate how to clean up the mess (notice I did not say that you should clean up the mess) and have a conversation. Explain that although you can understand the choice he made, ultimately it didn’t work out this time. Then sit back and let it process.
Allowing a child to make a wrong decision entirely alone allows for assertiveness in its most basic form: Speak up, even if you aren’t 100 percent sure. What’s the worst that can happen? You get wet socks.
Failure and disappointment are okay. After all, when people are afraid to fail, they will fail to speak up. Teach that disappointment is inevitable and completely normal.
Firm is appropriate; mean is not
Our children are perpetually watching us. Even when they’re tuned into a TV show or ignoring us while they play with their toys. Trust and believe they are learning by example.
As children get older, their level of responsibility over their own life grows. This means eventually they’re going to have to deal with uncomfortable situations. Their flight might get canceled. Perhaps they discover they’ve been double-charged at the grocery store. Real life situations are impossible to predict, so begin demonstrating proper assertiveness now.
When possible, let your child (or teen) watch you navigate an uncomfortable situation. As an example, let’s say a restaurant loses your reservation and can’t take your party.
- Educate: Explain what’s happened. You booked a reservation at a certain time and there was a mistake made on the part of the restaurant. You are now going to call the manager to request that the reservation be honored.
- Empathize: Before calling, be verbalize to your child that incidents like this happen. The restaurant is busy and likely overwhelmed, but you were promised a reservation. Whomever you speak with will be treated with respect but will be expected to provide a resolution.
- Execute: If you can, put the call on speaker, so your child can hear both sides of the conversation. Let your child hear you describe in a kind—but firm—tone what has occurred and what you expect to be done.
- Elasticity: There’s a real chance that whatever your grievance is can’t be resolved the way you want. (Thanks, COVID!) Show your child that you are willing to be pliable and find an acceptable resolution. No matter what, you don’t lose your cool, call names or treat the employee with disrespect.
We’ve all heard that children are sponges, and it’s true. They absorb and then reflect back into the world what they’ve seen and heard. Raising children to use their voice effectively and appropriately starts on day one, minute one. Treat people how you want to be treated, lead with love and madly respect all those around you … including yourself.
Your child will mirror your footsteps, so walk a path that’s worth following.
Moments to Inspire Assertiveness:
- No touching, no questions – If children don’t want to hold hands, hug or touch another student, friend or adult, they can say no. Zero questions asked.
- Respect privacy – Bathroom times and alone times should always be respected. Always knock before entering. Respect your children’s privacy, and they will learn to respect their own and others’.
- Allow for anger – Kids get mad. So do adults. Although you may want to resolve things right this second, teach your child to be confident enough to say, “I’m upset right now. Can we talk about this after I’ve cooled down?” Frankly, this might be a lesson for all of us to learn.
- Allow feelings – Every person processes feelings differently. Don’t expect your child to be happy or sad in the same way you are. Respect differences and allow for feelings however they come out. One day, your child will do the same for someone else.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.