So, you've reached that ever-looming reality that your strong-willed firstborn daughter, the one you named with purpose and depth, the one for whom you've had such dreams and high standards, the one whose schedule, eating habits, activities and friendships you've been able to keep in a relatively controlled box, has become a TEENAGER.
It's been hard work already, and now the pushback, impossible attitudes and differing opinions have caused you to feel out of control at times. Maybe you've regrettably flown off the handle a few times. You wonder how you're ever going to navigate these uncharted waters while enforcing reasonable boundaries, laying down expectations of excellence, all while keeping your cool and respecting you teen’s individuality.
In our own failings and flounderings over the last two years, I've reflected upon these challenges, sometimes after tear-filled confrontations with our teen or heated discussions with my husband. Ultimately, through prayer and the counsel of dozens of friends and supporters who have forged these waters ahead of us, I came up with these 10 simple laws which I believe are already helping us lay the framework through which we relate to our daughter.
1. LISTEN MORE. It's been fun and fruitful to teach and train children since birth, but there comes a time when they shut down and stop listening. They want to be heard. You've planted so many good seeds, and now it's time to observe the fruit. Try making time each day to just listen without correction or judgment, then thank them for sharing their heart and opinions with you.
2. LECTURE LESS. Instead of lecturing nonstop about topics you're concerned about, ask questions that will bring conversations about these topics. Here are some ideas: How are your friendships going? Who sharpens you the most, and whom do you feel you are inspiring? What are your grade goals and how do you plan to reach those? What is a fair consequence for your actions or inactions? (Then enforce it without flying off the handle if rules are broken. You can set clear and fair boundaries, as well as give consequences without constant nagging and lecturing.)
3. LEAD BY EXAMPLE. If you desire a polite teen, be kind and considerate yourself. If you require an organized and tidy teen bedroom at all times, keep your room beautiful. If you want teens to be generous and hospitable, model that. If you want them to be diligent readers, let them see you read. If your hope is that they be safe and courteous drivers, keep your speech life-giving while driving and never, ever text behind the wheel.
4. LIGHTEN UP. So she lost her new Christmas coat or phone charger. Haven't we all lost things many times? Have compassion and let her know you'd be happy to help her find it. If it's gone for good, she may have to pay for it, but don't ride her to the hills, adding unnecessary guilt and shame. Help your teen come up with ways she can earn money, and let her know you're in her corner.
Perhaps you've just discovered she have a love interest you're not thrilled about. Keep it lighthearted! Lay down boundaries without freaking out. For example, allow group dates, have any special friends over to eat with the family and add the parameter of never being alone in an enclosed room or basement together. Keep the discussion alive regarding the pros, cons and dangers of dating for fun vs. "pairing off" exclusively. Cast vision for teens’ future by asking what kind of qualities they think would make a great spouse some day? What kind of spouse do they want to be? Find a great book on sex/dating to read and discuss together.
Decide what issues could affect their health and/or future life, versus those which aren't that big of a deal. If they are working to their potential, and respecting your guidelines, then maybe blessing their wish for a new hair color isn't such a bad idea! Express your opinion too, and let them know you trust they'll make good decisions.
5. LEARN ABOUT THEM. Their interests evolve continually thanks to their insecurities, desire for independence and their longing to fit in. Ask about their dreams, their disappointments, their friends, their teachers or their favorite restaurants and trends.
6. LAUGH A LOT. Try playing a family game every once in a while, or watching a comedy together. Be sure to connect with your teens in ways that bring smiles and laughter regularly.
7. LOOK at them with eyes of approval. If their tastes don't meet with your approval, resist the temptation to give that sarcastic "Really?" look. Your eyes should reflect understanding and pride in them. Maybe they've really blown it. They've betrayed your trust. You have an opportunity to lose it and react with emotion or respond with intentionality. Make sure they don't go to sleep feeling like a failing disappointment.
8. LIKE THEM. This one is similar to law seven. Okay, so you find your teens’ new obsession with Korean Pop music strange. Have them play their favorite songs for you. As long as the lyrics aren't vulgar, who cares? So they are moodier and lazier than you prefer them to be. Keep your speech full of enthusiasm and kindness toward them. Tell them how cool and beautiful they are, even when they don't deserve it. Appreciate where they are in this stage of life and know that all of their interests—and especially their character—will continue to grow as you like and encourage them, while continuing to expect great things for them.
9. LOVE THEM. Her best friend has caused tears and anguish. Hug your teen and tell her that you'll always be here. He brings home his grade card, and the GPA is 2.7 instead of your expected 3.5. Tell him you love him and there's nothing he could ever do to make you love him less or love him more. That doesn't mean you don't limit social time or get a tutor to help raise those grades to his potential. That shows love too. Saying no is also sometimes an act of love. You are the parent, and you've been given authority from heaven to provide a home of guidance and boundaries. Rules are the grid through which we protect and provide.
10. LET GO. Let's face it. Ultimately our children do not belong to us. They are individuals who will make their own life and way, and I believe they have a heavenly Father who is completely capable of navigating their journey and ultimately wooing them to Himself. Pray for them daily, not leaving out any detail or desire and leave the results to Him. None of us had perfect parents, and we grew up in spite of this.
Alicia Mock is from Overland Park and has a colorful background with experience as a professional singer, actress, elementary teacher, homeschooling mom, a Kindermusik educator and, currently, the director of the preschool/childcare program "Adventure Arts Academy," which she operates out of her home. AdventureArtsAcademy.com.