They cling to your legs and stay on your hip while others run, play and discover their surroundings. It’s a new place with new people, and you are the center of comfort for your shy child. Natalie, Kansas City mother of a 4-year-old and 9-year-old, is all too familiar with this scene. “My son, 4, is always attached to my hip. He doesn't run off when we are in public, and neither he nor his sister, 9, will open up to people until they trust them,” she says.
While this may seem like a burden, Natalie sees it positively. “Because my children are more shy, they are closer to me emotionally. I don’t have to worry about them running away or getting lost when we are out in public.”
When people are shy, they are more cautious and do not rush into situations and will likely be more observant of their surroundings.
Kansas City area licensed marriage and family therapist Leah K. Krieger, MS-LMFT, also counts a child’s closeness as a benefit of his shy nature. “When people are shy, they are more cautious and do not rush into situations and will likely be more observant of their surroundings,” Krieger says. “They are good listeners and usually have appropriate classroom behavior.”
Natalie has observed the awareness and appropriate behavior skills in her daughter through her ability to connect more easily with younger children and adults. “My daughter is not shy with kids who are younger than she and some adults,” Natalie says. “Younger children tend to flock to her, which also helps her to show her ability to engage.”
While there are many positive factors to a child’s being shy, helping her develop positive social relationships can take some effort and energy. “My children only have a few close friends, and they won't answer questions even when they know the answers because they are scared,” Natalie says. “They are scared to try new things and they aren't able to play with groups out of fear.”
Krieger acknowledges fear is a core part of a child’s externalized shyness. “Remembering that shyness is rooted in fear, you would want to approach shy children with the same regard as any other type of fear,” she says. “We want to be gentle, reassuring and present with them while they process the given situation. Give them nudges to approach the situation and encouragement that everything is okay. Be careful to not push them too quickly, allowing them to adjust to the situation at their own pace.”
Taking things slow and modeling positive interactions within a safe structure is helpful when Natalie helps her children adjust to a new group or setting. “With my daughter, I encourage her to be herself yet be open-minded to meet to people. When we meet new people, I introduce her to new kids and stay with her until she feels comfortable,” Natalie says. “She also likes to observe the person while she is with me and, after watching how the person interacts, she will start to engage with them while staying close to me. When I can, I will also tell her ahead of time who they are and what I know about them so she can feel informed.”
According to Krieger, being gentle and reassuring, taking things slowly and not pushing children’s limits too quickly all can be helpful. Checking in with your child and making sure he is doing okay throughout a new experience or new situation is a good option too.
While shy children may not engage in large social interactions and would prefer a tight-knit group of purposefully selected people, make sure your child is still engaging with her circle.
A natural tendency toward shyness is nothing to worry about, and your child may just need more coaching or prompting to engage. Real social isolation is where your child doesn’t want to play with kids he has been comfortable with before, avoids activities he enjoyed before and goes beyond his own baseline or natural level of shyness. Parents may consider how quickly their child’s behavior changed and whether or not the withdrawal applies to all or only some situations. If you are concerned your child is isolating himself rather than exhibiting generally shy behavior, consult with your pediatrician or a mental health professional.
Karah Chapman is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area who has an appreciation for the quiet observation of a shy child.