Ah, the holidays. What a special time, filled with cozy nights reading by the fireplace, wearing snuggly socks while watching Hallmark movies and sipping loaded hot cocoas, and spending quality time with family. Now maybe you’re in a lucky group of people whose reality during the holiday season aligns with this sentimental summary. Perhaps, though, this sentimentality made you spit out your coffee that’s been nuked past its prime as you’re debating what events you can avoid this holiday season. The holiday season can have its magical moments, but because family and distant relatives are humans, things can get a bit messy. We’re going to graciously look for some tips for how to navigate being present at holiday gatherings where relationships may be strained or tensions may be high.
Expectations
Mapping out what a family gathering is going to look like ahead of time can be helpful. Have a game plan for traveling, when you’re going to arrive, as well as when you plan to head home. It’s also helpful to lower your expectations—and then possibly lower them a few more times—to be realistic about how the time together is going to go. Perhaps you know there’s a limited time window in which everyone can get along—past those so many hours just crosses a threshold of too much quality time. Especially if the weather isn’t ideal, a whole day or a whole week is a lot of time for a lot of people to be cooped up inside together. Depending on family dynamics, having set times for activities could be helpful, so there’s not a lot of downtime leading to people’s feeling bored or uncomfortable. For example, maybe you schedule dinner at 2:00, followed by some rest time, and then a family game or movie to begin at 4:00. Some structure could help with everyone’s expectations.
Boundaries
As we enter into adulthood, we should become aware of what our boundaries are with other people, even if they are family members. (We can help our kids learn this.) Having some polite, go-to phrases is helpful. It may also be helpful to share your plan with an ally in the family who can help you stick to your plan and steer you out of prickly situations. If you’re hosting, you can also let others attending know whether you would rather have sensitive topics discussed elsewhere. Things such as politics, religion or any other pop culture topic may ruffle feathers. Being respectful of other people’s boundaries is key too, so don’t take it personally if any family members need a minute to step outside by themselves.
Travel
Nowadays, relatives live all over the place, maybe from all over the same state but often across the country, or even outside the country. As an adult, you get to choose whether to travel during the holidays or not. It’s difficult, weather can be a pain, it’s expensive, and logistics once you’ve arrived can be challenging. Those who have never traveled during this already stressful time can find it hard to relate to the challenges because they can’t fathom the situation. Once you add children and pets to the mix, you may find it difficult to see the value in the hassle, especially if it’s a tense time once you’ve arrived. You can make a family rule of being home for the holidays, alternating which family to see, visiting every other year or only visiting during warmer months. After all, you’re beginning your own family traditions now too. It’s always helpful to be respectful and honest when changing a family tradition and giving grace to others who may have different priorities than you have.
Escape plan
If you feel your anxiety start to rise, or you’re just becoming overwhelmed and need a break, blame your dog or kids for the need to make an escape for a walk or an outing to a park. Even if it’s cold out, the change of scenery and break from the gathering can help you re-center before you need to head back. Another option is to offer to run errands or pick up forgotten ingredients from the grocery store. Perhaps you also grab a coffee or browse a magazine while you’re there. Moments of escape like this can be a relief when you’re overwhelmed by too many people being inside together.
Invite others
Sometimes, temperamental relatives can put on a friendlier persona when someone from outside the family comes along to the gathering. Karen Hepp, mother of four, suggests, “Invite a friend over on Thanksgiving Day along with your family. They help keep conversations about sensitive family topics to a minimum.” It might be helpful to give said friends a heads-up on what to expect and which topics they should try to avoid. This could be a rotating family assignment or an opportunity to welcome neighbors with nowhere to go during the holidays and a real “reason for the season” opportunity.
Rewards
Plan something fun to look forward to after the event to reward yourself for making it through another year. Maybe it becomes a new tradition, like heading to Topgolf, partaking in axe throwing, making a funny inside joke 5K to release some stress, going to a favorite cozy coffee shop alone, buying yourself a new book or gift, or even going to the local dive bar to commiserate with others in your shoes.
I hope this list of ideas helps you as you plan for the upcoming holiday season and gives you some new ideas to implement to have the most enjoyable holiday available to you. Or maybe you casually leave a copy of this article out at your family get-together to share some ideas with those around you.
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 13, Mason, 11, and Slade, 8, and tries to keep holiday gatherings as joy-filled as possible.