Have you heard your kids talking about the latest couple? Or maybe they're "in a relationship" or "seeing someone." While the language and use of digital communication have certainly changed how tween crushes occur, preteens' feelings have not.
The tween-age years generally extend from 8 to 13 and are a time of widespread change—physically and emotionally. While it's important to help tweens adjust to their physical changes, parents must also stay alert to their sometimes drastic emotional changes. Moodiness is par for the course, but as much as we may think they need to go to their rooms and shut the door (and would probably prefer this), parents should try to remember how we felt at this age and be aware that tweens still need (and really want) our help navigating this landmine of new feelings.
The Roadmap
Open and regular communication is vital. "Don't wait until the teenage years to share [your] values with [your] kids. Have many conversations over time about relationships, creating intimacy, family values, religion and sexual health and protection," advises family therapist Sari Cooper at www.TweenParent.com. Parents can get "battle ready" early—even before cell phones, iPods and tablets are charged and your tweens are marching across the pages of Facebook and through the Twitter universe.
One caveat, however: Don't overdo it—the "sex talk" part anyway. Most tweens don't need or want a lengthy sex ed talk; what they need instead is to know that they can come to you with their questions about the new feelings they may be experiencing. So breathe deeply, listen to their questions and answer them. (Most child experts agree that several ongoing talks about sex are better than a lengthy lecture.)
A couple in Parkville recalls their tween daughter's 11-month crush: "We made it a bigger deal than it was." Notably, this relationship played out at church and school, without cell phones or email. Both sets of parents had similar dating restrictions and their interaction was adult supervised and always located in group settings. Mom regularly checked in with their daughter about the relationship, to which the young lady replied, "Why are you so interested? You don’t think we're going to get married, do you?"
If your child seems more anxious or isn't talking at all, don't worry, says Dr. Rochelle Harris, clinical psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital. Reassure anxious or confused tweens that it's natural to become interested in the opposite sex. Help them find ways to talk with someone they think they like. The main thing to remember is to not trivialize their crushes. "They often don't know the person, so a lot of daydreaming and fantasizing goes on,” Harris says. “Also, realize your child's feelings may not be reciprocated." She suggests asking questions such as "What do you imagine they are like? or "What do you want to know about them?"
SPY KIDS PARENTS
Open lines of communication make it easier to set and enforce your family's "rules of engagement." Monitoring electronic communication will be much easier if you establish guidelines from the time your children begin using digital devices. Let your children know that you will be watching their digital behavior, collect their passwords and have the experts—your children—show you how to access their whereabouts. If you wait to monitor until risky or unwanted behavior occurs, your snooping will be loudly and strongly challenged. Notice the quantity and quality of messages, too. Quantity may be a clue as to who is important in your tween's life, while the quality of the messages suggests the nature of the relationship and reveals inappropriate language or behaviors.
SUGGESTION: Dr. Harris recommends making the parents' bedroom the charging home for electronics, which should have a bedtime just like your kids.
Of course, there are still some stealthy, albeit non-digital ways to learn about your child's social status. Eavesdropping from the driver's seat is a great one. Harris and others encourage parents to organize and drive young teens to group outings (which should still be adult supervised, but from afar). Turn the music on low and listen to their chatter. Not only will you learn their lingo, but you'll have a lead-in to talk to your child. Ask questions or make casual comments, such as "I heard your friends talking about who they 'like.' Is there anyone you are interested in?" The key is to talk conversationally, not accusatorily—a tall order indeed.
Surviving the tween years is, in some ways, a parental proving ground. Crossing over into the teenage world is inevitable, but if we lay a firm foundation for our tweens, they will arrive more prepared for the freedoms and privileges that come with that age. The question remains whether we parents will be prepared for perhaps the mightiest tug-of-war of all: visible dating, driving and the final release into adulthood.
Kathy Stump lives in Parkville with two teenage children who regularly protest all forms of monitoring, virtual and real-life.