We often talk about loving our children unconditionally, but how does this align with our role and responsibility as mothers? How do we guide and raise our kids to be successful in life and love them when they mess up? The secret is found in our words.
IF-AND-WHEN…
The reason unconditional love is so powerful is because it affirms to others that they are lovable just as they are. It’s a no-matter-what kind of love, a love without self-interest, preconditions or strings attached. When we communicate to our kids that we’ll love them if-and-when instead of no-matter-what, our love becomes conditional. Conditional “love” seeks to manipulate, control and change other people, leaving everyone feeling frustrated and grouchy. “I’ll love you if you obey me.” “I’ll love you when you deserve it.” These conditions communicate that love is something our kids have to earn. Unconditional love is freely given. It doesn’t come with if-and-when attached. It is just love for the sake of love, and because it’s based in radical acceptance, it teaches our kids to bloom into their most healthy and authentic selves.
SHOULD…
Sometimes we believe our kids should behave a certain way. It’s as if they come with a silent “user’s guide” we keep inside our heads that tells us they should always put away their coats, obey us immediately or love baseball because it’s something we love. Sometimes our user’s guides are really thick and full of rules. But kids don’t come with user’s guides. They’re not appliances; they’re people. Just because your kids don’t always operate the way you think they should doesn’t mean they’re wrong; sometimes it simply means they’re different, still growing and learning, or that your expectations don’t fit their developmental stage. As parents, we can guide and shape our kids and communicate how we wish for them to behave, but we need to be mindful of our own unspoken expectations.
AND…
Unconditional love gets tricky, however, when we’re trying to raise our kids to be healthy, contributing, independent and joyful human beings. This is where it’s important to separate out loving who they are from loving how they behave. Our duty as parents is to raise them up and prepare them for life, which of course requires guidance, boundaries and reasonable consequences. Ifs-and-whens are appropriate for consciously disciplining our kids—but only when applied to their behavior, and not attached as a condition for love. When you say if-and-when to guide them, try attaching the word and. “If you don’t clean your room, then you won’t go to your friend’s house until it’s tidied up … and I still love you.” The secret of unconditional love is found in the and.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a mother of two, host of the MoJo For Moms podcast, and life coach in Overland Park. She posts her latest podcasts, live events and content at MoJoForMoms.com.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div.