Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
We all know the adage isn’t true—and if anyone’s words hold power in the heart of a child, it’s the words that come directly from Mom and Dad. Parents influence both the conscience and the ego of their children, so it’s especially important that both criticism and encouragement come in ways that are life-building and true. Here are some alternatives to some common yet unhelpful things parents say.
You’re Just Fine.
Perhaps you heard this as a child. Many a well-meaning parent has said it with the intention of calming a child down. But telling a child to calm down or stop crying doesn’t teach a child how to do either. Instead, it denies that a problem exists, further exacerbating the issue. Kids need parents to help them learn to manage their emotions, not avoid them completely. What may seem trite to you could be a huge deal for your child. Instead of shutting down a conversation, empathize with your child’s feelings first and then seek to help your youngster discover ways to find resolution. That way, your child will feel safe coming to you with future disappointments and heartbreaks.
Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother or Sister?
Sibling rivalry comes part and parcel with family dynamics. Adding comparison or favoritism to the mix only intensifies the situation. When a child hears your standard for excellence is someone else, his self-esteem is easily shaken. Sadly, comparisons don’t do much to change behavior, either—and if it does, it will be for the wrong reasons, like trying to please people or get your approval. Kids need to be intrinsically motivated to do what’s right for right motives, not to avoid the disappointment of an upset parent. Instead of pitting big brother and little sister against one another, seek to acknowledge your children’s individual strengths and weaknesses as ways that make them distinctly unique. Be sure to champion good effort when you see kids trying to do their best—whatever that may be.
Practice Makes Perfect.
Because perfection isn’t attainable, it shouldn’t be the goal. Excellence shows itself not just in grades or final scores but also in metrics that cannot be as easily quantified, like effort, grit (bouncing back through failure or adversity) and positivity. Encourage your children’s efforts and applaud the work and good character they show when striving for their goals, not just the outcome itself. Kids who know they are loved and accepted regardless of an outcome are less likely to struggle with performance anxiety and more eager to try new or difficult things.
Stop Being So Shy.
Our culture glorifies outgoing personalities, but there are beauties to every personality type. Resist telling your child he needs to stop being shy, as though it were a bad thing to be fixed or an excuse for a poor behavior. Instead, offer some role-playing scenarios so your child develops the skills to engage in conversation more comfortably next time he is out and about with you. With your child alongside you, seek to model healthy ways to make and maintain conversation with friends, family and neighbors, so he can learn firsthand. And help him be the best version of himself, not someone he’s not. Most importantly? Don’t force your child to speak if he isn’t comfortable. Provide tools, offer opportunities to practice and extend plenty of patience.
Give Them a Hug.
A lot of things are outside children’s control. Bedtime. What’s for dinner. When they need to be at school. But one thing that can empower a child is knowing they have autonomy over their body. Let your children know that absolutely no one has any right to hug, hold or touch them without their consent. Many parents think they are teaching their child affection when insisting that they hug or kiss a family member or a friend. But requiring kids to conform to someone else’s wishes at the expense of their own personal boundaries can translate into future problems with boundary setting that could ultimately have dangerous consequences. Children often need an advocate with this, as many older family members and friends may push or pry, insisting it’s not a big deal. Stand your ground and teach your child to do the same.
I Told You So.
No adult responds well to hearing this, so why do we think it will have a different effect on our kids? Oftentimes parents think quipping this will establish the credibility of their wisdom, but telling your kids, “I told you so,” on a regular basis only undermines a child’s ability to make good decisions and comes off as insensitive in the midst of frustration. Hold your tongue and allow your children to learn from their mistakes. Experience, after all, is often the best teacher.
What’s Taking You So Long?
We all have those mornings. The ones where a shoe goes missing, breakfast gets burned and everyone has to go to the bathroom when it’s already past time to get out the door. In the stress of the moment, yelling at your kids to simply hurry up comes easily. But if everyone knows how imperative it is to get to the car, telling them to move faster is often more hurtful than helpful. Work together as a team, make a game out of getting to the car quickly and avoid blaming the weakest link in Operation Get to School on Time. Do set timers, give yourself more time than you need and allow margin for all the accidents and mishaps that inevitably could come your way.
Lauren Greenlee is a boy mom who is guilty of stating the obvious and a slew of other unhelpful things on occasion to her own motley crew. She aims to end every night reminding her kids how loved they truly are. She writes from her Olathe home.