Entitlement: a word parents and educators are very familiar with these days and many have growing concerns about. Entitled people, specifically kids for this discussion, believe that rewards, toys, privileges—you name it—are owed to them or are expected without their having to work for them. Of course, this mentality can lead to all sorts of problems such as poor relationships, unhappiness, conflict and lack of success. But don’t panic yet! The good news is parents and caregivers can take an active approach to prevent the entitlement trap and raise grateful and responsible children with a strong work ethic. Read on for some tips on how to do just that!
Serve others
Serving others can be done at any age, from young toddler years all the way through high school. Kelsey Collins, Overland Park mom of three, says, “It is easy to find ourselves caught up in our own little bubbles, making it hard to avoid the trap of entitlement. However, I try to bring my kids back to a biblical viewpoint of who Jesus was here on earth, and that’s the ultimate servant. Serving others takes the focus off ourselves and begins to lessen the entitlement trap. When my kids can be outwardly focused and serve our community, whether that be through a local organization, our church or even helping a neighbor, I find they are much more appreciative and thankful for all of the blessings that we have been given.”
Work hard
Instill the value of hard work into your children, not only so they see that hard work can earn you money to buy the things you want and need, but also that it helps you become a responsible and productive member of your household and society. A 2021 Huffpost article on avoiding raising entitled kids states, “Don’t overlook the power of chores.” According to a poll, about 80% of us had chores growing up, but only approximately 30% of us make our children do them now. With all the “other” activities children are involved in, chores continue to fall lower and lower down the list. However, assigning chores is such an important part of teaching children responsibility. Do children like chores? Not necessarily. But just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it!
Teach your children how to lose and not get their way
I know you’ve seen it, and maybe even lived it—kids out in public, begging, whining, pleading for Mom or Dad to purchase an item … and then Mom or Dad firmly saying no. Cue meltdown. But this isn’t a bad thing, although it feels horrible when it’s happening. There is nothing in the world wrong with kids not getting something they want every time they ask for it. Meredith Bolin, Overland Park mom of two, agrees: “When I finally do say yes to something they want, my kids are more appreciative of that item. Added bonus—their gratitude increases even more if they’ve earned it themselves!” Likewise, it is OK for kids to lose. Teaching kids to be good losers helps keep the entitlement trap at bay.
Model
One of the most effective teachers is you! Kids do so much learning by watching people around them, so model the type of behavior and choices you’d like to see. Show or tell your children what you are grateful for, let them see you serving a friend, tell them about the pair of shoes you really wanted to buy but decided to wait on, or invite them into your work so they see firsthand what it takes to bring home the bacon!
Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a great remedy for entitlement. Sometimes, our culture can hyper-focus on the negative, on things not going perfectly our way or happening as lightning-fast as we would like for them to. Let’s encourage our children to practice gratitude, or the act of being grateful, by having them keep gratitude journals, having a family gratitude jar or simply using those tools as a springboard for family dinner conversations.
Delayed gratification
Teach the concept of delayed gratification early on in the younger years, and your kids will be pros before you know it! In our house, if our kids want to spend their own chore or birthday money on an item, we usually don’t purchase or order it right away. We have our children consider the idea for a few days to see whether they are still happy with the item. Alisha Bowser, Overland park mom of two, says, “It is important to help kids become comfortable going into a store and not getting something. It’s OK to look and make plans for things they’d like to ask for for a birthday or Christmas or to work for, but becoming comfortable with not having impulse buys and instant gratification is a muscle built over time.”
Needs versus wants
“We try to teach our kids the difference between needs and wants. When we are at the store and the kids are asking for things, I help them identify if they really need what they are asking for or just want it,” shares Bolin. Paige Parker, Fairway mom of three agrees: “In our home, when our kids are asking for something new, we try to identify why they want the item or activity, then look at what they currently have. Do we have similar items already, are we doing too many activities, etc.? Once we’ve identified those things, we generally have a good idea if it is something they still want or not. If it is, we figure out ways to get it that aren’t just us giving it to them. I feel like keeping an open line of communication about wants and needs has helped keep our kids grateful for what we do have, and open to being OK if they can’t have something.”
Raising grateful kids is a tricky job in today’s society. It’s also an ongoing one that requires a lot of consistency and patience. None of these skills happen overnight, but with a few daily, small intentions, you are sure to be on a positive road!
Julie Collett is a mom of four who, just like you, is trying her best to raise grateful, responsible children!