Every parent wants kids who are smiling and living their best lives. But on the other side of the coin, we also want children who grow to be strong, empathetic and fiercely independent. To have the latter, we can’t always have the former.
The toughest parts of life are what shape our children into the amazing adults they are meant to be. That said, by mowing down all the obstacles that could befall our little ones, we’re only handicapping them for later. It’s a tough lesson for parents to learn, but a necessary one.
Here are a few tips on how to love your kids through empowerment, so they’re mentally strong and definitely not living in your basement when they’re 30.
Establish Chores
Your kids are part of your household. They eat, sleep and live there. That means they need to have a stake in the upkeep and responsibilities of living in that home. How many times have you shouted, “I am not your maid!” and then proceeded to pick up your children’s mess? Hate to break it to you, but they’ve got you trained. If they see you give in once, they know you’ll do it again. As the adults, you and your partner must hold steadfast on established rules and chores in your home. Have high expectations for your kids and reward them when they meet or exceed them.
Let Them Fight Their Battles
The first time I saw a child push in front of my son for a ride on the slide at the playground, I had to physically force myself to stay seated and simply watch. Kids are going to be put in situations where others are rude and maybe even downright mean. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should allow your child to be bullied, but it also doesn’t mean you need to referee every disagreement. Stand back and see how your kiddo handles the conflict. Does he scream and cry? Does he allow himself to be walked upon? Use these as teachable moments. Talk to your child openly about how to resolve the conflict, even if he’s little. Kids will remember.
Don’t Sugarcoat Feelings
To our children, we are superhumans. Heroes. Impervious to fear or sadness. But sheltering your children from your own pain or feelings doesn’t do them any good. They need to understand that you are a human and you feel emotions just like they do. Give them the guidance and talk openly about how you and your partner navigate through big feelings. Show them by example, and they will follow.
Consistent Consequences
Kids of every age and area of development will push boundaries to see what happens. It’s their way of gauging risk to reward or, in this case, risk to repercussion. You and your partner must clearly lay out those repercussions for violations of rules. And spoiler alert: That’s the easy part. Doling those consequences out is where it gets tough, because there will be tears. Lots of tears. But the long-term consequences of letting these moments slide can be severe. Not disciplining small children only leads to entitled older children who don’t respect authority or directions.
Yes, They Can
Children love to tell you what they can’t do. They can’t reach the counter to get their cup. They can’t write their name. They can’t dribble the basketball. Trust and believe they are looking to you to confirm this narrative. Young children learn what they’re capable of when they’re encouraged to try harder by those they love. Resist the urge to assist with something because it’s more convenient for you in the moment. By coming to your child’s aid, you’re unintentionally reinforcing that she needs you, or someone else, to do everything for her. But kids are capable. They are ready. Think back to some of your greatest accomplishments. It’s doubtful they revolve around how you tried once and succeeded immediately. Stories worth sharing don’t occur without struggle.
Fear Factor
From the moment our babies are born, we are in a constant state of anxiety. Our minds swirl with “what ifs.” Our biggest responsibility as parents is to protect our children from all the terrible things that are conceivable. Although it’s prudent and necessary to shield our children from dangerous situations, it’s still important to gauge how big a bubble we should place them in. Consider acknowledging early on that broken bones, sprained ankles and the occasional hurt feeling are a given. Injury, whether emotional or physical, is part of the growing process. And even though social media and sanctimonious parents may make you feel like you’re failing if your child encounters any small obstacle, stay your course. Know that allowing your child to experience the world without fear is making her stronger. It’s making her fearless. And who knows how far she’ll go without fear holding her back.
Get a Life
Your children are the most important thing in the world to you, as they should be. But don’t forget that you are important as well. If you make your entire life about your children and what they need at every moment, they learn that they should always be the most important thing to everyone in their life. That’s not a great recipe for a well-adjusted adult. Teach your children to discover what they can do for those around them. Teach them to be happy as a team player, not necessarily the team captain.
5 Parenting Habits to Stop Now
- Picking up after your kids. Your kids have things. They need to be responsible for them. The end.
- Letting them skip a chore/responsibility “just this once”. Once turns into twice and then into always. Treat your kids’ responsibilities as a nonnegotiable.
- Allowing pity parties. No, no, no. If your child is throwing one, you are not attending. There’s a lesson in every bad situation. Help him find it.
- Parenting in the short term. You are the adult. If your kid wants Cheetos at the supermarket RIGHT NOW or she’ll scream, let her scream. Don’t give in now because of your fear of judgment.
- Making everything magical. No one ever discovered something new by being comfortable. Let your child be bored. Teach kids to make magic for themselves.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and toddler son.