I’ve heard it jokingly said there are only two times when people claim to be perfect parents: before they have kids and after the kids fly the nest. In the thick of parenting, however, moms and dads find out very quickly the task is both humbling and overwhelming. We all want what’s best for our children, and if we’re not careful, we can spin our tires relentlessly hoping to do all the right things—read all the parenting books, establish good routines, teach our kids to say please and thank you, all the while downing a few leafy greens. It’s easy to miss the mark by overcomplicating things. One of the simplest ways we can teach our kids to do what is right is leading by example. After all, as the old adage goes, more really is caught than taught! Here are a few ways to set a good example for your kids.
Express Gratitude
Taking time to tell the people in your life how much you appreciate them goes a long way in building relationships. But it’s equally important to appreciate the circumstances you find yourself in, too. There’s no need to be a Pollyanna. Genuine gratitude can start with the simple things in life: thankfulness for the sunrise and the sunset, food on the table and a roof over your head. One of the beautiful things about gratitude is it begets more gratitude. The more you articulate what you are thankful for, the easier it is to find more things to appreciate in life.
Extend Hospitality
Having people over with regularity is an organic way for your children to see how to build bonds and care for others. It’s also really fun! Host playdates with your mom friends and their children, Sunday dinner with your extended family or a game night with the besties. One of the added benefits is that kids can learn social skills not only by watching your interactions with others but also by engaging in conversation with people of all ages—children younger than themselves, teenagers and adults.
Apologize and Accept Forgiveness
When you’re wrong or you make a mistake, own it and make amends quickly. Likewise, don’t harbor bitterness, make assumptions or let things escalate over time. The best way kids can learn conflict resolution is by seeing it in action. Your displaying humility and genuine care despite hurt feelings shows kids there is hope on the other side of an argument. Likewise, if you’re living in regret or deep shame, give yourself grace and move on in freedom.
Be Vulnerable
If we try to project the image that we have it all together, we’re not preparing our children for the real world. Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need genuine ones. It’s okay to have struggles—everyone has them. Kids can learn that it’s alright to make mistakes and that pushing through obstacles is what ultimately leads to building resiliency and grit.
Put People First
We should love people and use things and not the other way around. Make sure your lifestyle puts this on full display. Relationships are inherently messy, not always convenient and require work. But at the end of the day, they’re what matter most.
Don’t Worry About What Other People Think of You
As Ann Landers so aptly penned, “At age 20, we worry about what everyone thinks of us. At age 40, we don’t care what anyone thinks of us. At age 60, we realize that nobody has been thinking of us at all.” Ultimately, in order to be comfortable in your own skin, you need to live a life consistent with your own value system, not simply seek to gain the approval of others.
Be a Good Listener
Show genuine interest in other people’s lives. Ask their opinions. Listen to their life stories. Don’t be quick to interrupt with your own thoughts. Put your phone down, make eye contact and commit your full attention when you’re in conversation with others. In doing so, you teach your children how to actively be a good listener.
Don’t Make Excuses
Watch your self-talk! Your kids are learning how to build self-confidence not only by the way you speak about them and others, but also how you speak about yourself. Tearing yourself down is not modesty or humility. It’s self-degradation. If things are hard, express how you are trying your best and you’re going to keep going when the going gets tough. Don’t make blanket statements about how you’re not smart enough, capable enough or any other fill-in-the-blank enough.
Continue Personal Development
One of the beautiful things about life is it’s never too late to learn new things. You can show your kids the importance of personal development by simultaneously taking up old hobbies and exploring new interests. Learn a second or third language. Take an art class. Join a swing dance club.
Be Generous with Your Resources
Time, money and things are always enjoyed the most when they’re used for the benefit of others. Make a difference by doing volunteer work; donating lightly used clothes, baby items or toys; and paying for the person in line behind you at a fast food restaurant.
Be a Good Neighbor
Get to know the people who live on your block and seek to do good. Shovel the elderly couple’s driveway when a big snow dumps, bring a meal over when someone has a baby or offer to mow when a neighbor is out of town for a long period of time.
Take Care of Yourself
You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Make sure to exercise, get adequate sleep, eat well and employ healthy stress-relieving practices. Focus on your health more than your image. Your kids don’t care whether or not you fit in your pants from high school. They will care if you have enough energy to play with them.
Do What’s Right
Character is doing what’s right for the right reasons, even if you no one is looking. Aim to be a person of integrity who is known for being dependable and trustworthy. Drive at or under the speed limit, wear your seatbelt, show up on time and follow through on the things you commit to.
Lauren Greenlee is a boymom of four who strives to lead by example. She writes from her Olathe home.