Being a parent is difficult. It requires a lot of diverse abilities to raise children to become successful members of society, and there is no prescribed way to take it on, making partnering in parenting a challenge.
“Parents who have different parenting styles are very common,” says Carmen McHenry, MA, LPC, child and family therapist at Water Street Family Counseling. She goes on to explain the most common parenting styles are Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved/Unengaged.
Amy Dedrick, LCSW, RPT, CAS child therapist, says these varying styles often overlap depending on the situation and person. “Most parents are a bit eclectic in their parenting approaches, often having a mixture of styles,” she says.
Understanding the differences between your parenting style and your partner’s is important for learning to balance them “When identifying an individual parenting style, parents need to consider first how they usually respond to disobedience, boundary-setting situations and emotional responsiveness,” McHenry says. “Basically, how they balance structure and nurture in their parenting overall.”
Melissa Graybill, Kansas City area mother of three, identifies with the reality of differing parenting styles. “I am not overly domineering but I have clear and high expectations and work to be as consistent as possible with my expectations, rules and discipline. I don’t want to step in to solve all of my kids’ perceived or real problems but try to be available for support,” she says. “My husband, while warm and loving to our children, tends to be a bit more authoritarian in his approach.”
Additionally, it’s important for parents to recognize their differences as children have likely already determined them and utilize them to their own advantage, “Children are very perceptive from an early age in noticing parenting style differences” says McHenry.
Dedrick agrees. “Kids tend to be pretty good detectives. Even if they do not do it on a conscious level, they tend to know how to divide and conquer when it comes to their parents,” she says.
Graybill has seen this happen in her home. “My children will seek out the parent that suits the situation. If they want a listening and empathetic ear regarding school and friend related issues, they come to me,” she says. “If it has anything to do with their sports activities, they go straight to my husband.”
That you and your co-parent will approach situations differently is inevitable, but how you manage these differences is the important part. “If time and the situation allow, parents can communicate to each other that they need to speak alone to come to a decision. Parents also can say openly, ‘Sometimes Mom and Dad think differently on this, but we both want you to be safe, happy and healthy,’ and one parent may have to defer in the moment to prevent an escalation and discuss it later.” recommends McHenry.
Graybill and her husband try to work through their differences in this manner. “We try to discuss situations and consider differences before deciding upon a course of action. That doesn’t always happen and can be frustrating, but if we aren’t able to communicate before a decision is made, we talk later and then bring our children in on the conversation so they know that we are on the same page and they cannot just divide and conquer us.”
Differences like those Graybill and her family face happen regularly and can serve as good teaching moments. “Agreeing to disagree and still show support for one another is an important concept to role model,” says Dedrick.
Differing opinions in parenting will occur, and a simple conversation may not manage all differences. “Most couples end up finding a happy medium. However, some parents differ to a greater extent in their styles and oftentimes will end up having tension in other areas of their relationship as well,” McHenry says. “This is best addressed in couples therapy, to ensure that children do not become anxious and confused due to chronic conflict.”
Dedrick recommends the same: “If there seems to be a pervasive pattern in which you or your partner are unable to compromise, then it’s best to seek outside help from a counselor. Arguing in front of the kids or asking them to pick a side can be detrimental to the children and the parenting partnership.”
All parenting styles have their strengths and limitations, according to Dedrick. “Achieving a balance will be the biggest predictor of sustainability,” she says, “and in parenting, that is equal to sanity.”
Karah Chapman is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area who, as a child, mastered the art of “divide and conquer” with her parents.
What’s your style?:
The Authoritarian Parent:
- Do you have strict rules that you believe should be followed no matter what?
- Do you often find yourself offering no explanations other than “Because I said so”?
- Do you give your child few choices/decisions about his life?
- Do you utilize punishment as a means of getting your child to do what you ask?
- Are you reserved in the amount of warmth and nurturing you show your child?
The Authoritative Parent:
- Does your child’s day have structure to it, such as a planned bedtime and understood household rules?
- Are there consequences for breaking the rules or interrupting the structure?
- Does your child understand the expectations that you have for his behavior, and are those reasonable?
- Do you have a healthy and open line of communication with your child? (Your child can talk to you without fear of negative consequence or judgment.)
The Permissive Parent:
- Do you not believe in setting limits or rules for your child or compromise those rules to accommodate for your child’s mood?
- Do you avoid conflict with your child?
- Do you have a willingness to be your child’s best friend over his parent?
- Do you often bribe your child to do things with large rewards?
The Uninvolved Parent:
- Do you only address your child’s physical needs (food, shelter, clothing)?
- Do you provide little or no supervision or support emotionally?
- Do you lack involvement in your child’s school or social activities?