When someone asks you how you are doing, do you find yourself giving a rundown of what you are doing instead of how you’re actually doing? In our fast-paced world, busyness isn’t just accepted, it’s often celebrated as something virtuous. And if you’re not careful, you can find yourself like many moms and dads in an endless cycle of insanity where exhaustion and overwhelm propel you into yet one more activity in an effort to try to get it all together, make the kids happy or feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Adult responsibilities coupled with parenting equate to a full calendar naturally. So just how do you know whether you’re stuck in the hamster wheel of busyness or if you’re truly living a rich and fulfilling life?
In her work Addicted to Busyness, Christina Hibbert, a clinical psychologist and mother of six, breaks down the differences between busyness and a full life by the impact the activity has on you. She notes that a full life leaves you feeling:
- Healthy.
- Happy (the majority of the time).
- Like you’re fulfilling your life’s purpose.
- That you’re discovering meaning and purpose in each day.
- Growth when stretched, which inherently feels good.
On the other hand, busyness leaves you feeling like:
- You’re just keeping up.
- You can’t stop, take a break or slow down.
- You only feel healthy and happy sometimes.
- You’re more likely to suffer from illness, chronic stress, anxiety or depression.
- Asking, “What’s the point of all of this?” Yet you keep adding things to your plate.
- Your sense of self-worth may be tied up in your busyness.
- Even if you enjoy much of what you do, you still feel something deep down telling you, “This is not what life is all about.”
If you find yourself identifying with the latter portion of Hibbert’s work, then you might not simply be busy by choice but be struggling with an addiction to busyness. Like drug and alcohol addiction, process addictions (an addiction to an activity, like online gaming, social media and, yes, busyness) can create a compulsion to continue doing something even at your own expense. Likewise, stopping the activity can create feelings of withdrawal, from agitation to desperation to continue the behavior. Unlike drug and alcohol addiction, one of the greatest challenges to busyness addiction is the fact that, culturally, it can be worn as a badge of honor and those struggling with it will be praised for it. When you’re validated for doing something that is diminishing your quality of life, has a deep impact on relationships and even has the ability to make you sick, it can be incredibly hard to distinguish as a vice.
Why is addiction to being crazy busy just so harmful?
- It robs you of your time and energy. You can justify that it will add value to your life—memories, added finances, gained skills, etc.—but in essence, it ultimately takes away from the things that matter most, like time to process your life, gain perspective or build relationships with those closest to you.
- It’s a form of escapism. Brene Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly that numbing behaviors build up a wall against vulnerability (allowing people to see the real you), adding, “One of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.” Busyness causes us to avoid our toughest life issues like grief, relationship challenges and bad habits. The problem is growth comes from tackling those issues head on, and positive change won’t transpire until you take the time to address them.
- It conflates your self-worth with your schedule. Repeat after me: Your value is not intrinsically connected to how much you get done or how important the work you do is. Unfortunately, our society drives precisely the opposite message home, and we buy it hook, line and sinker. You do not need to validate your existence through endless action.
- You run in a perpetual state of adrenaline-fueled stress and feel guilty when you stop. Go, go, go is not the exception. It’s the rule. If you’re not sprinting, you feel lazy and uncomfortable. But let’s be honest: More than likely, you don’t know what resting feels like because, even during your downtime, you’re mentally calculating a future to-do list while simultaneously trying to determine what a better use of your downtime could be. The direct result? Self-care, such as getting adequate sleep, working out, eating well and being in healthy relationships with others, falls by the wayside.
So, what can you do about it? It’s important to take a good, hard look at your life and ask yourself whether you truly want to change. Though it may not be easy, it’s definitely worth it. Here are four ways to hop off the carousel of busyness.
- Give Yourself Time to Detox. Summer is a perfect time to make powerful changes in your life. Start by giving yourself permission to employ one simple and powerful word: no. Remember, saying no to one thing means you’re saying yes to another! Establish your value system and cut anything that doesn’t work to build it up. Much like testing for food allergies, it helps to cut out all non-necessities only to add back what is life-giving later.
- Give Yourself a Game Plan. Despite what you may think, the opposite of busyness isn’t laziness. It’s purposeful and intentional time spent in ways that honor your values. It can look like a healthy work-life balance, time spent building relationships with family and friends, developing hobbies, as well as granting space to recover from overload. Map out a plan so that rest is an active pursuit and not a passive one.
- When Uncomfortable Feelings Set In, Persevere. Boredom, anxiety or restlessness will come knocking, but when they do, don’t avoid them by hopping on the busy train again. Work through your feelings, express gratitude and beef up your relaxation muscle That’s right! Learning to relax isn’t just an art—it’s also a discipline that requires training! By facing the things head on that bring you discomfort, you reclaim power over your fears, quiet your ego and master your mindset.
- Check In with Yourself. If you’ve defaulted to being busy for the sake of being busy for quite some time, falling back into old habits is too easy. Be honest with yourself and course correct when needed. It might be a long process but one worth pursuing. You’ve got this!
Lauren Greenlee is a homeschooling boy mom of four kiddos ranging from teenager to toddler. A recovering busyness addict, she seeks to find balance in the chaos. She writes from her Olathe home.