Several years ago I was sitting with my grandmother at one of our huge extended family birthday parties. My sister was out of town, and we were watching my brother-in-law wrangling their kids. He had a toddler in one arm and was refereeing what looked like a wrestling match between his two older boys. My grandmother looked at my brother-in-law and asked, “Are you babysitting the kids?”
His response: “It’s not babysitting when they’re your own kids.”
I always think of that story when, every year, my husband asks to go to the Overland Park Arboretum for Father’s Day. “To spend time with my family,” he always says. “You only get so many of these holidays when the kids are this young.”
This Father’s Day family tradition always reminds me of that conversation with my grandmother, and how dramatically the role of “father” has changed over the past few generations.
“Men are much more comfortable in their role as caregivers today,” says Maxine Benson, recently retired co-director of the Jewish Community Center’s Child Development Center, who has worked with hundreds of families and children during her 44 years in childcare. “When I was a child, dads used to ‘babysit’ when Mom was gone. You never saw a father at an open house, parent teacher conference or PTA meeting, with the exception of a rare widower.”
Parenting is now a shared activity, Benson observes. “Since my own childhood, things like divorce and the prevalence of women in the workforce may have forced some of this change. However it came into being, society now views an involved father as a strength, not a weakness. And that’s a good thing.”
Today’s current crop of parents might think that it is their own evolution that has changed society’s acceptance and awareness of this new era of parenting (after all, who among us can’t claim at least a couple of stay-at-home dads as friends?), but we really need to look to Baby Boomers to see where the trend started.
“With the Baby Boomers, all of a sudden divorce became a common phenomenon, and dads were raising their children—on their own—every other weekend,” says Benson.
“Today, when I look at the parents that surround me—especially the younger fathers—I realize that fathers today are more committed than ever to spending time with their children and providing the emotional support their kids need—not just the financial support,” continues Benson.
Benson points to an old adage that says men raise children the way they were raised. “That’s not so true anymore,” she says. “Today’s father is dedicated to being a good father. He wants to break the cycle of disinterested fatherhood from previous generations and work on becoming a better dad that society embraces today.”
One of the most beautiful changes she’s seen in her 40-plus years working in childcare is watching marriages turn into equal partnerships. “Each partner is equally committed to sharing in the responsibility of raising their children,” she says.
While we can’t all be experts on parenting like Benson, it’s pretty easy to recognize and appreciate these changes and celebrate the men in our lives. Men who are more available for their kids. Men who care so much about being great dads. I know this Father’s Day, I’m going to appreciate my husband just a little bit more.
Why Dads Are Great
- Dads let kids fail. Yes, moms, we know it’s true: Most of us want to rush in and fix everything for our kids, preventing falls on the playground, helping make that picture of a dog look like an actual dog or helping them clean up the mess they made.
- “Dads take on more risk to help their kids learn lessons on their own,” says Benson. Which is not to say they won’t jump in if absolutely necessary. “In essence, they may be okay letting their children skin their knees, but they don’t want them to break their legs.”
- Dads tend to be more objective. If you read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, it’s no secret the two sexes handle decision making differently. Men tend to keep the emotional piece out of the process. This may be infuriating to women at times, but it’s great for kids to see different ways to resolve issues!
- Dads are better listeners. Or better stated, dads listen—and process information—differently. According to Benson, “Women want to converse back. Men tend to let their kids talk, really listening to what they are saying. Oftentimes, they guide their children to finding their own resolution, rather than suggesting solutions.”
- Dads have louder voices. “No matter what people say, children have a different level of respect for their fathers because of the voice,” says Benson. “I’ve seen this phenomenon play out hundreds of times—even if the dad is the weaker disciplinarian!”
Jane Blumenthal Martin and her husband both enjoy actively parenting their 2 children in Overland Park.