Finding a forever family

“So, do you know what you are going to name him?”

Pregnant women are constantly asked what they are going to name their child, but it’s totally different when a pregnant woman asks a couple she has just met for the first time what they are going to name the child she is carrying.

“Yes, actually,” I responded, telling her the name we had been thinking about.

“I love it!”

It’s not every day you have such a profound discussion in a mall food court over a random assortment of Mexican, Chinese and smoothies, but that’s one of many discussions my husband and I had with our son’s biological mother the first time we met her. She also gave us copies of the sonogram images during our time talking with the social worker in her office.

That evening in late July four years ago was surreal to me. I grew up knowing I would never be able to have biological children, so I didn’t spend much time imagining what motherhood or my children might be like because I didn’t know whether I would ever be a mother. Then through events only God could have orchestrated, Valerie chose us to be our son’s adoptive parents.

A sense of grief and loss can impact all ends of the adoption triad (biological parents, adoptive parents and adoptee), and for me, that involved coming to terms with the fact that it was never in God’s plan for me to have biological children. Many times I cried on my husband’s shoulder about it, but I knew God still had something wonderful in store.

As I worked to move past my grief and allow God to work in my situation, my husband and I looked into what type of adoption to pursue (domestic or international) and what agency to use. Once we decided on a domestic adoption using a local non-profit agency, we began our home study. A home study, or the legal paperwork that must be completed in order to be approved to adopt, is a time-consuming process often referred to as a “paper pregnancy.” It involves background checks, references, interviews with social workers, providing financial information and more. Once that was complete, I made a profile book about us for expectant parents to view.

Then came the waiting. Fortunately for us, we only had to wait a summer. Our home study was officially complete in May, we met Valerie at the very end of July, and our son was born in mid-September.

Throughout the whole process, Valerie demonstrated an incredible sense of selflessness. She allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, cut the cord and be the first one to hold him. I am very grateful she allowed me—someone she had met only three times and been in touch with for less than eight weeks—to experience his birth in that way.

We stayed in the hospital with our son, and I’ll never forget Valerie’s bringing him back down to our room as she was being released. To say it was emotional is an understatement. Tears flowed freely, and we agreed to stay in touch. We didn’t know exactly what an open adoption would look like because it would be completely up to us. As it turns out, we typically get together about three times a year, and I regularly text her pictures and updates.

“I don’t need to be the one raising him to be able to love him,” Valerie says. “Making an adoption plan doesn't mean I don't love my child. It means I recognized I wasn't in a position to give him the best life he deserved…I want him to firmly and confidently know his parents are his parents, and I don’t regret setting him up with these people who love him dearly. I don't want him to doubt anything, so he has to see that I stand for the decision I made and that his parents are worthy of being his parents.”

My husband and I have been amazed at Valerie’s perspective and how she put aside her feelings for the sake of a child. We will make sure he understands what she did was an incredible act of love.

At 4 years old, our son doesn’t fully grasp what being adopted means and has yet to state an opinion on the matter. Yet given the open adoption, he’s starting to understand the concept and likely will begin asking more questions about it before long. It’ll be a part of his story he’ll need to process, but I believe he’ll be well-adjusted to do that in a healthy way. I think he’ll view his adoption as something interesting about himself but not as anything that defines him.

Quite simply, we have a bond with our son that is as strong as any bond between biological parents and children, and he simply belongs in our family.

Valerie has said before that we all turned out winners in the situation. I believe that is an excellent statement that sums up things well. We’ve all experienced grief and loss, but God has worked through that to do some wonderful things.

“I think both he and I are living the best lives we can be at this time, because I cared so deeply about him to make sure he started down a path where he could blossom and excel,” Valerie says. “I'm eternally grateful to know that every day he is cared for and gets the attention he needs and deserves. My perspective is entirely positive.”

Allison Gibeson is a freelance writer from Lee’s Summit.