Sleep Envy

I don’t envy another mamas’ shoes. Nor do I covet her handbag. I seldom get jealous about cars, houses, or clothes. But there is one thing- one thing!- that makes me green with envy.

Naptime.

When I hear a fellow mom talk about how her baby naps three times a day, how her preschooler electively lays himself down, or how she gets the bulk of her to-do list knocked out while the kids are catching some zzz’s in the afternoon, I’m quick to pipe up with, “So, when are you going to hire your children out to train my non-nappers?”.

You see, being a mom has come fairly naturally, but there is one aspect of parenthood that has left me utterly clueless: how to get my kids to sleep. It all started when when my husband and I brought our firstborn home. We arrived home midday and spent our first few hours just staring at the amazing little bundle we created. Our son was such an incredible combination of the two of us, I couldn’t tell where my husband’s features ended and mine began. We both agreed we could just stare at him all day long… then evening hit and our newborn gave us quite the surprise when he decided it was now the perfect time to scream his little head off. And scream. And scream. And scream. And it became apparent that we had no choice but to stare at him all day (and night) long as his shrill little wails required one of us to console him (granted, to no avail) the entire time. It’s funny, I thought we would somehow finally get rest after getting home from the hospital (having nurses check in on the baby and me every three hours did not lend itself to getting any kind of sleep) but in reality, it was just preparing us for things to come. Colic was the verdict but the absolute exhaustion of that season left me questioning my better judgement. What was I doing wrong? Why would he cry every time I laid him down? And what was his big stink with shut eye? Didn’t he realize what he was missing? It didn’t help calling a local 24-hour nurse hotline. Every night I’d get a new nurse and a new answer.

Me: Nurse, help me! My newborn is crying non-stop and I don’t have a clue what to do.

Nurse 1: Get gas drops. He’s clearly in pain.

Nurse 2: He’s eating too much.

Nurse 3: He’s not eating enough.

Nurse 4: Let him cry it out.

Nurse 5: Oh, Honey, he’s just got his days and nights mixed up.

Nurse 6: He’s been crying for how long?!?! Why haven’t you taken him to the emergency room yet? There’s clearly something wrong with him!

Boy, that was helpful. I’d like to inform you of when we put that all behind us, but my memory of that time is lost in the fog of months of sleepless nights. Days weren’t much better, I can tell you that much. Napping was for the birds as far as my little sweet potato was concerned. So, that whole “sleep when baby sleeps” advice that first time moms are given? Yeah, that didn’t go down at all in our household. Research shows that a body needs sleep to heal and grow, so I was convinced my child was a miracle baby. He never had an ear infection or fever as a baby. A couple coughs tops. And he was always at the top of the charts in height and weight. It had to be a new feat for an insomniac baby. I remained vertical throughout my days but there wasn’t a whole lot going on in that brain of mine during that time. It’s no surprise that my obsession with coffee began during the midst of this. The sound of a coffee maker percolating was, and still is, the most beautiful sound in the world as far as I am concerned.

So, geniuses that we are, my husband and I figured that while we were still in a fog would be a perfect time to make our slumberless baby a big brother. I guess the philosophy was that if we weren’t getting any sleep there wouldn’t be as much of an adjustment pulling all nighters with a newborn again. And I was determined with this go around that baby #2 would own the naptime routine like nobody’s business.

Did it happen? Eh, not so much. In fact, he quit napping altogether before his second birthday. This meant I now had two little ones in my care that were livewires until the moment they crashed at night. I tried it all. Cuddling ‘til they fell asleep and putting them down. Playing opossum in their room. Putting the same lullaby CD on every nap time. Letting them cry it out. All to no avail. The bedtime routine was a couple hour process until our oldest was three. As in, uno, dos, tres.  I distinctly remember the first succession of nights when our little ones went right to bed soon after lights were out. I totally did a victory dance in the living room. Could it be this easy? I wondered.

Well, when it comes to bedtime, yes it is. But that bewitching afternoon hour that just screams, “Take a nap!”? Well, it’s funny but somehow I’m the only one getting that memo. My kids still don’t rest. I tried enforcing quiet room time in its place but that only entailed me playing hall monitor as the little inmates tried to pull moves right out of Shawshank Redemption to get out of their rooms (I’m happy to report that I was able to keep them in their places but it required so much energy on my part that what I really needed at the end of “quiet time” was a nap!). Now, at 3 and 5, my little bundles of energy continue to push through their days without much of any rest but by now we’re used to it. I’ve heard it said that sleep begets sleep and if that’s the case, I guess they’re so far in the negatives naptime is a lost cause. 

Thank goodness my sweet Baby #3 decided to be a killer sleeper. Of course, I had no control over this. I read books on sleep training, but I’m convinced he just likes his shut-eye. His peaceful slumber is my saving grace, providing opportunity for me to love on his older two brothers during the daytime while he’s out like a light.. I may not get a nap until the kids are all out of the house, but I certainly don’t take for granted what a blessing it is to now have a baby who actually sleeps!