Competition: Yay or Nay?

We live in a world riddled with perplexities when it comes to competition. Participation trophies abound in many an arena, leaving children with a sense of entitlement for little to no effort (not to mention, a lack of life lessons on how to handle defeat). Meanwhile, childhood anxiety is on the rise over mounting pressures for things such as school performance and standardized test scores. It would seem competition means nothing. And yet, in many ways, it’s everything.

As parents, we try to reconcile the dichotomy, but usually our pendulum swings to one or the other extreme. Competition is bad, some say. It puts too much pressure on results and leaves kids riddled with fear that they’re not good enough as a whole person. Competition is good, others contend. It teaches kids to be tough and roll with the punches.

I would concede that competition can be both healthy and unhealthy. I’m saddened to think that many children today are deprived of the opportunity to compete—whether it be in sports, academics or the fine arts—simply because competition as a whole has been ruled out as bad, when in fact, healthy competition can be a huge driving force for character development, life lessons and self-confidence.

We’ve all seen competition get out of hand: Parents at Little League games threatening referees for “bad calls,” or child bullies lording their intellectual or athletic prowess over their peers. Healthy competition doesn’t view a winning score as the end all, be all. Instead, true competition helps a child to think long term. Making a basket or racing across the finish line are just incentives along the way. In all things, there will be victories and defeats. It’s learning what to do with both that develops our identities and our value systems.

Healthy competition allows kids the opportunity to taste the victory of success after much hard work. Likewise, losing can be an equally valuable teacher. In his article “How Today’s Society Should View Competition,” Collin Sparks, executive director of Kamp Ministries at Kanakuk Kamps, submits that to avoid struggle is to deny the opportunity for character formation. “Losing leads to growth. Sometimes the same is true in life. To be successful, our youth need to understand that losing or making a mistake does not speak to some identity flaw or lack of ability, but rather is an opportunity to learn and grow.” He adds, “Winning is not the goal. Everyone wants to win but winning isn’t the point of playing the game. The goal of competition should be to have fun, do your best and develop good sportsmanship.”

Competition provides children a time and space to troubleshoot when things aren’t going well. As parents, we don’t like seeing our children struggle. Competing allows kids the opportunity to make decisions and try hard things without having Mom or Dad swoop in to the rescue. Learning how to make good calls independently can build self-confidence. 

Competition also builds grit, one of the hallmark characteristics to success in any category. In her TED Talk, psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth describes grit as passion and perseverance for very long goals. “Grit,” she says, “is living life like it’s a marathon and not a sprint. Talent doesn’t make you gritty. There are many talented individuals who simply do not follow through with their commitments. Grit is usually unrelated or even inversely related to measures of talent.” She concludes by reminding viewers that the ability to learn is not fixed but can be changed by effort.

Competition provides opportunities to lead and see that positive change is produced through effort over time. In that, parents can offer encouragement and sincere compliments. It’s important to note that how our kids perform is not based on how effective we are as parents. We simply need to teach them how to handle both the good and the bad; on that foundation, they’ll build the skills they need to truly succeed in life.

To say that Sporting KC captain Matt Besler is competitive by nature may be a slight understatement. With two MLS Best XI and five MLS All-Star Team titles to his credit, along with earning more than 40 caps for the U.S. Men’s National Team since 2013, Besler possesses drive and dedication that have landed him with perhaps his most esteemed career title: the first Kansan to play in the World Cup. But as the KC native recounts in his new book No Other Home, that competitive drive was put to practice not only on the soccer field, but also at home.

Matt is the oldest of three boys, and he and sibs Mike and Nick couldn’t resist going head to head in everything from card games to ping-pong. One particular evening, a challenge was made to see who could throw more grapes into a drinking glass placed on the dining room table. When no one succeeded, Matt upped the ante by offering $100 to whomever first made a shot. Grapes flew across the room like grenades in battle. It wasn’t until after 10 minutes of shooting that a winner was declared. There was only one problem: It wasn’t until Matt’s mom entered the room that the boys realized the state of the dining room. Matt writes, “She couldn’t believe what she saw. Actually, none of us could. Over by our dinner table, there must have been a hundred grapes on the floor. Worse, the wall behind the table was stained from all the shots that went long and smashed into it. In the fog of competition, we didn’t realize the mess we were making. We were so locked into winning, we didn’t notice that we were splattering the wall.”

Matt recounts other humorous memories, along with the highs and lows that have come within his professional and personal life throughout his memoir.  A portion of the proceeds from his book will be donated to his non-profit charity, the Besler Family Foundation.

Lauren Greenlee is a freelance writer and mom of three residing in Olathe.