Cut the Yelling, Start the Healing

Long days, short fuses and an endless stream of potential catastrophes that leave our nerves frazzled and frayed fill parenthood. It’s no surprise that occasionally our emotions get the best of us—and we yell.

Besides being completely ineffective, yelling is also counterproductive.  Whether your child is a toddler, teen or young adult, the short- and long-term effects of yelling are simply not worth it. Raising your voice to be the loudest—and let’s be real, the scariest—person in the room breaks down trust with your child. Some studies have shown that yelling can instill fear in a child that would cause them to move away from you, rather than toward a healthy relationship.

Let’s find another way, shall we?

Here are five ways you can curb your tendency to yell and, instead, reap a good harvest: no post-yelling guilt, no apologies later and, most importantly, more respect from your children for now and down the road.

Understand why

Yelling is frustration turned audible. Think of it this way: If you whisper and people say they can’t hear you, you increase the volume of your voice. Now imagine you’ve asked your child to perform a task five times, and she isn’t responding. You raise your voice each time you ask. Five volume adjustments later, you’re straight up yelling. Put even more simply, yelling is momentarily losing control of your emotions. That means it can be reversed. You just have to put the work in.

Be ready

You’re aware of what sets you off, so plan for it. For example, if you know your child is prone to not putting his shoes on and it makes you angry, prep for that moment. It will take a bit of forethought, but consider removing obstacles ahead of time that keep him from completing the task you give him. Is the TV on and distracting him? Turn it off before you even ask once. Is he still eating? Chances are if he’s performing one task, adding a “next one” won’t fully process. Make sure you have full eye contact and attention, then make your request.

Warn once

You hate yelling, and it’s no picnic for your kids either, so let them know what could be coming. It’s healthy to acknowledge your own feelings to serve as a warning to your child. Look your child eye to eye and say in a calm voice, “I am asking you to put your shoes on so we can leave the house on time. We are in a hurry and I am close to becoming very upset. Please do as I ask the first time.” The honesty and full forewarning just might do the trick.

Walk away

You already know that yelling won’t help, but sometimes emotions bubble forth so quickly that you don’t even see the outburst coming. Practice focusing on what happens right before you explode. Your heart rate will quicken, you’ll start to feel warm, and your body will tense up. The rage is upon you. Before the lid blows off, simply share with your children that you are feeling extremely angry and frustrated and you’re going to step away. Head to a closet and scream into a blazer or step outside and do 15 jumping jacks. The ability to be distracted—just momentarily—from what is upsetting you will likely give you the window you need to regain control.

Share what happened

Your kids will see you’ve left and wonder what happened. Share with them that you took a minute away because you were about to yell—and you don’t want to do that. This gives your mini-me a glimpse of someone he loves handling big feelings. Let your children witness this control of emotions over and over so they can mirror the healthy behavior for themselves. Monkey see, monkey (eventually) do.

Work it out

You’ve heard it a million times, but exercise can help release some of the built up tensions that threaten to unleash themselves upon your family at any moment. Take a boxing class, go for a long walk or take a swim. Encourage your entire family to do this with you, as exercise will make everyone healthier, happier and less irritable. Make your heart work hard, not your voice.

Be prepared for failure

No one is perfect, and on occasion you might backslide with a minor (or major) outburst. The aftermath is what matters most here. Once the eruption has passed, take the opportunity to discuss what led to the yelling—and then sincerely apologize. Kids can be frightened when you lose your cool, and their fears need to be recognized. Gently explain what made you so angry and talk together about how it can be prevented next time. This is also a perfect time to detail with your child how you should have reacted in the moment. It can be a teachable moment for both of you.

Yelling, like nagging or whining, is a habit that many parents and children develop, and it can inflict a lot of emotional damage. As a family, work together to nip this early and find healthy ways to share frustrations and anger. Your entire family dynamic will shift for the better, and you will all reap the rewards.

Yell it out!

There are instances when yelling is appropriate and even healthy. Make sure your children know and understand the difference.

• Encouragement – Did your child score a home run? Stand up and yell your encouragement as loud as you can (using appropriate language).
• Danger – If your children feel they are in danger, they can scream as loudly as they want. Additionally, you are allowed to yell if you witness their doing something dangerous that needs to be stopped immediately (like running with scissors).
• Controlled yelling – Stepping away to scream into a pillow is healthy, because you are doing it in a controlled manner and not directing it at someone.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.