Defeating New Mom Isolation
The months leading up to the birth of your first baby are bursting with people and activities. Baby showers, shopping trips, last-minute spa days and babymoons—it’s almost overwhelming how excited your friends and family are to support you and help you in this next step of life.
Then, the baby comes. And though there’s a flurry of commotion as everyone gets settled, eventually the guests say goodbye. And things get very, very quiet. It’s at this juncture that many moms begin to deal with a common feeling called newborn mom isolation. Let’s take a look at what you can do to combat this if it happens to you or someone you love.
Isolation Issue #1 – Alone Time
As a new mom you’re going to be awake more than you’re asleep. Super late and crazy early feeding times can stretch out for what feels like days. It can be lonely. A litany of irrational (and completely ridiculous) thoughts will race through your head, and no one will be there to chat through them. The silence in those moments can be even louder than your baby’s cries.
Isolation Cure #1 – Online Mom’s Groups
If social media is good for one thing, it’s that it can be a lifesaver for a new mom. Find a moms group on your favorite social media platform and engage with it when you’re feeling alone. The knowledge that thousands of strangers across the globe are experiencing exactly what you are can give you the sense of calm and inclusion that you’re craving.
Isolation Issue #2 – Social Life Depletion
One of the more brutal isolation factors for a new mom is how a formerly thriving social life dissolves to almost nothing. Gone are the days of happy hour at a moment’s notice or a weekend getaway with your favorite friend group. Additionally, new moms have to deal with changes in their own reliability for social engagements. Even if you do finally book yourself for a fun outing, something can happen with the baby that derails your plans. For a new mom who prides herself on being dependable, that shift can feel tectonic.
Isolation Cure #2 – Adjust your expectations
You absolutely can and should have a social life with a newborn, but you’ll need to understand the parameters will change. Rather than meeting for a happy hour at a restaurant, invite friends to drop by for a morning coffee and convo on your back porch. Instead of a long weekend at the lake, meet up at a local pool for a few hours. Though it certainly won’t be the same as before, that’s okay. Your life has changed dramatically, and you must adjust to fit into this new world. And if you’re hanging out with the right people, the transition will be seamless.
Isolation Issue #3 – Where are my friends?
An unexpected and isolating outcome of having a new baby is the downshift that can occur with friendships. Friends you’ve experienced everything with might be in a different stage of life. Perhaps they’re preoccupied with climbing their career ladder, or they’re single and don’t have extra energy to give to you as a new mom. Whatever the reason, the absence is noticeable … and it can enhance those lonely feelings even further.
Isolation Cure #3 – Reevaluate friendships and add new relationships
Friends without children can find it difficult to identify with what you are experiencing and they might unintentionally pull away. That certain friendships will dwindle is understandable, but it’s still imperative to find a support system that sympathizes with you in your new world. That might involve cultivating new relationships that serve your needs. But who has time to make new friends when you’re a new mom? You can barely find time to shower. A good start is moms groups, whether online or in person. A lot of mothers find their mom tribe in a mom/baby yoga class or a breastfeeding support group. Additionally, if you are sending your child to a daycare, get to know the moms of the babies in the class. You will have an instant connection with those moms who have children aged within weeks of your own. If a face-to-face engagement is too much right away, consider getting phone numbers and texting words of encouragement to those moms occasionally. Over time, the interactions will naturally meld into real life relationships.
Isolation Issue #4 – You’re Overwhelmed
No matter how much you prepare or read about being a new mom, it cannot prepare you for the actuality. The changes in your body alone are astounding, but now you’re responsible for a new person that is incapable of doing anything for himself. It is absolutely normal to feel overwhelmed—and maybe even paralyzed. Add to that the pressure of bouncing back both physically and emotionally, and you have a recipe for loneliness and isolation.
Isolation cure #4 – Share and Self Care
You absolutely must tell someone if you’re feeling isolated. Remember all those people who promised to support and help you when you were pregnant? Time for them to step up and show up. Ask a friend you trust to watch the baby for an hour so you can take a hot bath or go wander around the aisles of your favorite store alone. Text a new mom friend that you’re going to climb the walls and need a walk and some fresh air—she’ll likely feel the same.
Schedule some time for yourself. Whether that’s a massage or a gym class, you must take care of you. The time you spend with your baby is important, but remember you are a person, too. The most important person in your baby’s life, in fact. You have more needs as a new mom than you realize. Taking care of those needs doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you smart. Ask for help, and if asking doesn’t work, insist on help. You deserve it.
Additional Ways to Beat Mommy Isolation
- Get Sleep – The laundry isn’t going anywhere. Neither are the dishes. Deal with them later and get a nap when you can. You will feel less agitated and alone if you get some zzz’s.
- Feed your brain – When your whole life revolves around your baby, you’ll start to feel like you exist in a vacuum. Try to read a book that stimulates a different part of your brain. Can’t find the time to read? That’s why podcasts were invented!
- Write it out – Journaling is one of the most healing activities you can do. Focus on writing down how you’re feeling at your worst and best moments, and occasionally go back and read how far you’ve come.
- Get out of the house – Go to the library, the park, your church or even the grocery store. Be around people even if you feel like you don’t want to. Humans are hardwired to interact, and you’ll be shocked how much better you feel after exchanging just a few words with someone.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.
As always please consult your health care provider with any questions or concerns.