Discipline Mistakes Defeated
One of the less appealing parts of parenting is changing from the fun confidant and playtime buddy to a disciplinarian. Unfortunately for parents, doling out consequences and punishments can be challenging. After all, bad behavior rarely occurs under calm circumstances. Children tend to misbehave when they’re overtired, excited, frustrated or downright fed up. Combine all that with a parent’s own frustrations, and the result can be far from ideal.
Thankfully, there are ways to catch and correct missteps in your discipline approach. Here are a few ways to recognize potential—and very common—hitches in your techniques and how to correct them.
What you did: Saw bad behavior and screamed (loudly) for it to stop.
What you’ll do now: Take a moment to collect yourself.
Bad behavior is like a tornado. It can show up quickly, do a lot of damage and then leave as quickly as it arrived. If your child is having a meltdown and it’s causing you to be angry and scream, no one is getting the benefit of the teachable moment. Consider putting your child in a safe space until he can calm down. Afterward, clearly explain the behavior that led to this consequence. “You were hitting your toy car against the wall and damaging property. We don’t use toys to harm. I have taken the car away. You may have it back in a bit to show me you can use it properly.”
Any time you can correlate an action with a consequence in a way that is concise to your child, you’re getting all the thumbs up. The child hears the reason and the consequence and can see you aren’t arbitrarily handing out punishments.
What you did: Talked a big game to leave the water park but didn’t follow through.
What you’ll do now: Say what you will do—and actually do it.
Parents are great at throwing down threats but often bail when the time comes to follow through. If you can’t enact the consequence you’re threatening, your promises—on any topic—aren’t worth anything. They’re just hot air.
Consider telling your child, “You’re having a tough time following my instructions that are going to keep you safe at this water park. I don’t want to go home, and I know you don’t either. So each time you fail to follow an instruction, we will come to this bench and sit for 10 minutes.”
Sure, it’s not ideal. But it keeps you from threatening to pack up and go home when you have zero intention of doing so. After all, you spent good money on a day at the amusement park. Find a balance between “the big threat” and a promise that makes sense and is actionable.
What you did: Talked a really, really, really, long time.
What you’ll do now: Keep it concise and clear.
Kids’ attention spans are on par with a golden retriever’s. They listen for a hot second and then are off to catch a squirrel. This means your “Glasses Require Two Hands” lecture isn’t effective. Rather than trying to explain why holding the glass with two hands is a safe and effective means of staying hydrated while also keeping the house in a clean, orderly condition, consider explaining, “I know you forgot to hold the glass with two hands. It’s important to keep our hands from shaking and making a mess. Let’s try to do better next time.”
Easy. Simple. Moving on with the day.
What you did: Making comparisons to siblings or friends.
What you’ll do now: Remember every child is different.
A child’s behaviors and abilities should be addressed individually. Yes, it requires more work and time, but this is how it must happen. Imagine a fireman being criticized at work because he’s not good at cooking tilapia. One thing has zero to do with the other. Similarly, each child has a set of skills she is better at than the next child is. It’s absurd to hold one child to the standard of the other. Praise your child for the things she does well and be ready to help where she struggles. Never punish or be disappointed that a child might seemingly lag behind a sibling or friend. Comparison is the thief of joy, no matter how old you are.
What you did: Assumed your child was just a nightmare today.
What you’ll do now: Eliminate causation.
When you break it down, children are pretty simple. If they’re acting out, it’s likely because of one of these reasons: hunger, thirst, being overtired or feeling frustration/confusion.
When your child is having a particularly tough day, mentally check through these boxes. How did he sleep last night? When is the last time he had a drink of water or ate? Is he trying something new and it isn’t going well?
If you can play detective and get to the root cause of a child’s acting out, you’ll almost certainly find the discipline portion to be much easier. It’s never a good idea to excuse bad behavior, but understanding and identifying the cause can give you clues for how to head it off in the future.
Children are a puzzle that changes daily. It’s our job as parents to decipher the code they give us for the day. It may not be easy, but if we can stay levelheaded and keep our emotions in check, we can model the behavior that will make kids more prepared for handling their own reactions in the future. Monkey see, monkey do.
Three Ways to Discipline More Effectively Today:
- Don’t forget the positive. Pepper in praise with discipline. When you are doling out a consequence, remember to highlight what went right. “You were doing a great job coloring with your sister. That was awesome! But you know markers are for paper and not for your skin. I’m taking the markers for five minutes, so you can remember how to use them properly.”
- Keep it private. Resist the urge to do over-the top discipline in public. It can be embarrassing for all parties involved. Pull your child aside and quietly give a consequence (e.g., sitting next to you for five minutes at the park).
- Stay respectful. Never say any words to your child you wouldn’t say to a boss or colleague. No name calling, cursing or shaming. Simply state the bad behavior and explain the consequence. If you don’t think you can do it without going super-negative or saying something you’ll regret, take 10 minutes to calm down. Discipline can wait; words can’t be taken back.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.