Getting Over Over-Parenting
It might be hard to believe, but while you were growing up, you were not the center of your parent’s lives. Many of us grew up in a time when raising children meant sending them down to the neighbor’s house while saying, “Have fun and come back when the street lights turn on.” What we now consider “free range parenting” was the norm then, and using the village to help raise your child was completely commonplace.
How times have changed.
In today’s world, raising children is all about anticipating their needs before they even have them and mowing down any obstacles that might be in their way. There’s pressure to put children into sports and activities before they’ve even learned to read or tie their shoes. And academia is all but irrelevant if your child isn’t pulling straight A’s, so we hire tutors. Children are up at dawn and don’t go to sleep until well past when the midnight oil starts burning.
All because we want the best for them.
But at what cost? At what point are we not helping but instead hindering our children’s opportunity for failure and for growth? If we keep them constantly on the go and jumping from one hoop to the next, are they learning to be self-sufficient? Or learning to be independence deficient? Here are some tips to keep your children engaged and learning but to tamp down that need to over-parent them into an over-scheduled frenzy.
Natural consequences are the best consequences
How many times have you gotten the text that your child left his homework/lunch/trombone at home and NEEDS you to bring it to him? Just this once, you think. Just this one time.
No, my friend. Not this one time. Because this one time will turn into three more. And four after that. Your child must learn that if he forgets something at home, consequences at school naturally follow. The same will be true for when he’s working at his first job. The faster he learns his actions have consequences, the more quickly he will learn to change his actions.
Don’t overdo it
Fight the urge to celebrate every mole hill of achievement your child climbs. Did she study for the test and succeed? Amazing! That’s as it should be. A calm word of congratulations is plenty. The tendency to over-praise might sound like a good idea, but it actually has the opposite effect. A child who receives an inordinate amount of praise for a baseline small task will be conditioned to seek that response for every task, every time. That is simply unsustainable. Rather than over-celebrate one achievement, consider lumping several together to set a goal that is difficult but attainable. Example: Keep your room clean, hand in every assignment on time and practice your violin three days this week. Only then do we celebrate your hard work and determination!
Resist the assist
Whether they’re roller blading toward a crack in the road or hitting snooze on the alarm clock one too many times, you can see challenges for your children coming from a mile away. Let them come. Your job as a parent is not to block struggles for your child. Conversely, your job is to let your child struggle enough to overcome the difficulty on his own. This is simply not realistic if you are constantly at the ready to bail him out. It’s tempting to fix the issue before it comes to a head, but think long term. Are one or two tardies as a result of staying up until 2:00 a.m. going to ruin your child’s chances of becoming an attorney? No. Stand down and let kids learn.
Keep it real
A magic fairy does not keep your child’s toilet clean. Singing mice don’t wash the dishes. One of the hardest things for parents can be teaching their child how to do the normal, boring and absolutely essential day-to-day chores that must be taught to be learned. Do your best to establish these rules of the house early on. Do not give in and do it yourself. No martyrdom here today, thanks. You have an opportunity each day to show your child that these tasks are not only important, but they are also nonnegotiable. If you sigh loudly and just give in, yours will be the kid with new species of algae growing under her bed in her dorm. Don’t raise that kid. Teach her now, teach her early.
Zip your lip
I am a frequent committer of this over-parenting crime. My son will talk to anyone with two ears and a heartbeat. Because he’s so chatty, he is often asked questions about himself. What’s his favorite food? Did he like the movie we just saw? Is he excited for school this year? As a classic over-parenter, I often end up answering for him. In other cases, I catch myself acting as an interpreter on his behalf, offering clarification on what he’s saying, which he never asked me to do in the first place.
It's important to remember that our children are not miniature versions of us. They have their own minds and opinions, and we have no right to try to offer context or clarification on how they feel. Even if our child struggles and the words don’t come out quite right this time, next time they will. Our little (or big) kids don’t need us to correct them. They need us to watch them learn and grow from the sidelines and to show them that we’re here if and when they need us. And not a moment before.
Three Quick Ways to Nip Over-Parenting Now:
- Cut the dramatics – Your child fell down. Quickly and calmly assess for injuries. No broken bones or blood? A quick kiss and back out he goes.
- Put yourself first – Don’t rearrange your entire life to make your child happy constantly. If you have to miss an event or appointment, explain why and leave it alone.
- Tell kids your failures – If your children think you’re a superhero, they’ll expect to be ones, too. Don’t hesitate to share stories of when you had to work really hard to get what you want. Show them you aren’t perfect and neither are they.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.