Guide to Peacefully Co-Parenting Through the Holidays

The holidays are here, and with them comes an endless stream of family, tradition and laughter. But for children living in two separate households, things can get extra complicated. Overhearing arguments between divorced parents is the last thing a child should experience during a time that is supposed to be filled with love and compromise. Here are some tips to make your blended family holiday merry and bright.

Stick to the script

It’s easy to assume you can remember what the parenting decree states about dates and times during the holidays. But your memory can play tricks on you. Pull out the physical document and review your scheduled parenting time. It also doesn’t hurt to gently remind your child’s other parent to review the schedule. Here’s a good opener: “You know, I was positive I had the boys on Thanksgiving this year, but I looked and this is your year after all!” By showing you almost made a mistake, you might inspire the other parent to take a quick refresher read.

Be open to exceptions

Fun holiday events rarely fall in line with parenting schedules. If your ex asks for a few hours with the kids that are yours, resist the urge to decline immediately. Yes, it’s your time, but ask yourself whether this occasion is something unique that they will enjoy. If the answer is yes and it’s not interfering with something you already had planned, offer compromise and compassion. You never know when you might need the same favor.

Make a list; check it twice

No one wants to hear his child say, “Oh! I just got this doll at Mom’s.” Talk about a holiday buzz kill! Avoid the dreaded gift-double-take by creating a shared list on Amazon that both parents can access. Users can add items for each child from any site (not just Amazon) and make notes to notify the other parent when a gift has been purchased.

Just remember to play fair. Don’t be the parent that grabs up all the most desired gifts and leaves the other parent with socks and underwear. Spread the fun gifts around to make your child’s experience memorable on both sides.

Be thoughtful

This time of year isn’t easy for single parents. If your child’s mom (or dad, as the case may be) is without a spouse or significant other, give some grace this holiday season. Consider helping your child pick a special gift for that parent and help wrap it. Although the child’s other parent sometimes can seem like the enemy camp, remember that person still is half the reason your precious kiddo exists—and equally loved by your child. More than anything, an act like this is a wonderful way to show your child that you understand the importance of the other parent in his/her life.

Keep traditions alive

When you were together as a family, you likely created traditions. Maybe you helped at a soup kitchen every Thanksgiving or donated to Toys for Tots at Christmastime. This is not the time to abandon those traditions. Even though your family unit is no longer together, it’s okay to maintain those traditional activities separately. Family traditions may even provide your children with some comfort that a few things will remain the same. So make the weird popcorn strings and play the cheesy holiday music in the car.

Make sure you aren’t treading on the other parent’s deep-rooted family tradition, though. For example, if it was a 30-year institution in your spouse’s family to make egg nog and sing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful,” try something different at your home that can be all yours.  Make Christmas cookies for Santa and write him a note. If your child asks, “Why aren’t we making egg nog and singing?” explain that the egg nog tradition is very special to Daddy, and it’s important that tradition stay with his family.

This time of year is stressful on parents, but it should never transfer to the children. Give yourself and your child’s other parent room to breathe. Errors in scheduling will happen. Last minute changes undoubtedly will occur. Take a step back and remember that the holidays are about family, regardless of its form. Be kind, be patient and let there be peace on earth…or at least in your family.

Four Ways to Survive Shared Holiday Events with Kids

• Acknowledge your ex: Smile, say hello and offer to sit together, even if things are contentious. Be adults and tough it out for the 45-minute recital.
• Don’t compete: If you aren’t a great cook, don’t try to make a turkey masterpiece for your child’s fifth-grade holiday party. Parenting isn’t a competition. Do what you’re good at and let the rest lie.
• Keep the talk positive: Avoid condemning your ex for anything within earshot of your kids. They’re always listening. And if they aren’t, their friends are.
• Don’t make a scene: If your child is leaving the event with her other parent, keep the goodbyes short and sweet. A tear-filled monologue about how much you’re going to miss her tonight creates an unnecessary guilt trip.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for Kansas City. She lives in Liberty with her husband, two stepdaughters, son and small zoo of rescue animals.