Helpful Tips on Parenting Teens

            When they were little, you had moments where you couldn’t wait for them to grow up. Fast-forward to now, and you’ve got teenagers! Exciting? Yes and no. As you’ve probably discovered, parenting has become a little more challenging, and you may have even asked yourself, “Who is this stranger in my home?”

            You may not feel as though you have much influence on your teen’s behavior, but you’re wrong. You do. A teen’s behavior directly correlates to the strength of his bonds with his parents. Even still, your teen’s moods will change; he will test your limits and your patience. The trick as a parent is knowing which efforts are worth the struggle and which ones will backfire. Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind as you navigate the world of raising teens:

• Be a parent AND a friend. Your teens need to know that you understand them, appreciate them and love them no matter what. That said, they do want the relationship to be in the form of a friend, but they also want independence and privacy. It can be tricky to navigate your closeness with your teen and, at the same time, your role as the parent and one who sets rules. However, if you can steer your relationship in an accepting way, a teen is more likely to open up and share with you. If you offer your teen respect, consideration and authenticity, that’s what you’ll receive in return. Do remember that no matter how close you want to be to your teen, sometimes you will have to say no.
• Don’t lecture your teen. Lecturing will backfire every time. First of all, it’s one-way communication. Teens today don’t respond to lecturing because, in large part, they feel unheard and disrespected. Lecturing consists of too much talking and not nearly enough listening, which can lead to assumptions and misconceptions. Instead, have two-sided, discussion-based relationships and get to know each other. This leads to genuine respect and love.   
• Don’t rely on parenting books. Don’t tie yourself into knots trying to follow the advice you read in these books. Parenting books can be a good thing, but they can also become a problem when parents use them to replace their own innate skills. When a book’s recommendations don’t coincide with a parent’s style, parents end up more anxious and less confident with their own children. Simply use books to get perspective on confusing behavior, and then put the book down. Trust that you’ve learned what you needed to learn.
• Establish one-on-one time. Make sure you check in every single day with your teen. Just a few minutes of conversation while eating dinner or right before bedtime can keep you tuned in and keep the communication lines open. Believe it or not, teens often respond well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they’re lounging in bed.
• Make mealtimes together a high priority. Meals are a great time to unwind, talk about the day’s events and bond. They’re also your best opportunity to keep in touch with what’s going on in your teen’s life and any challenges he may have run into. An important factor in kids’ happiness and overall success is whether they feel they get time to “just hang out and talk” with parents each day.
• Set reasonable expectations. Teens tend to live up or down to parental expectations, so it’s okay to set your expectations high. However, instead of focusing on achievements, such as getting straight A’s, expect your teen to be kind, considerate, honest, respectful and generous. Remember that teens gain confidence through success, which then sets them up for the next challenge. As your teen takes on more difficult tasks, allow her to set the bar herself. She knows what she can and cannot handle, and if not, she’ll learn through her experiences. No matter what, always praise your teen’s efforts.
• Monitor what your teens see and read. Teens should not have unlimited access to TV or the internet in private. These should be public activities. Their access to technology should also be limited after certain hours (10:00 or so), to encourage adequate sleep. Apps are available that you can use to control the hours their phones and computers allow them to log in. It’s not at all unreasonable to have devices off limits after a certain time.
• Set rules and consequences. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling your teen. Encourage your teen to behave well by discussing what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable at home, school and elsewhere. Create fair and appropriate consequences. For example, avoid ultimatums. Your teen may see an ultimatum as a challenge. Be clear and concise by setting curfews, and make consequences immediate. It’s a good idea to explain your decisions so your teen understands the reasons for a new rule or curfew time. Finally, be reasonable and flexible. Avoid setting rules that your teen can’t possibly follow, and if she demonstrates more responsibility, grant her more freedom. If she shows poor judgment, set more restrictions.

Communication Strategies That Work with Teens:

• Be brief. Say 25 percent of the words you intend to say, otherwise your teen stops listening. By being thoughtful, you increase your chances of being heard.
• Ask open-ended questions. Instead of asking, “How was school today?” say, “Tell me about school today.” Or, “Show me how Instagram works. What do you and your friends use it for?”
• Cut down on critical talks. Telling your teen what he is doing wrong or needs to change only makes him more insecure. Instead, tell him positive things about himself—and be authentic.
• Get to know your teen. Grab an earbud and listen to what she’s listening to and why. Watch her favorite show with her. Whatever you do, don’t judge your teen. Instead, focus and learn about who she truly is and what she enjoys.
• Talk to your teen like you don’t know him. Treat him like someone you don’t know much about. Pretend it’s your friend’s child or your niece or nephew and notice the difference. This can help you get out of a poor communication rut.
• Play. Don’t be afraid to act silly with your teen! Laugh, sing, dance around, etc. Have fun together each day, if even for just a little while. It’s a great way to connect.

Gina Klein is a Kansas City mom and author who resides with her husband, two teen daughters and a houseful of animals. She loves her one-on-one “talk times” with her daughters each day and treasures the fun they have together.