Helping Kids Conquer Fears

Wonderful creativity and imagination fill a child’s mind. “Some days, I can hardly keep up with the games of let’s pretend. We are monsters, we are princesses, we are playing family. Their minds move so fast and they have so many ideas,” says Gaye Wayne, Shawnee mom.

But fear can creep into these exciting bouts of imagination. It is common for children to be afraid, especially of the unknown. Many youngsters develop a fear of the dark, a fear of being alone or even a fear of new people.

Many parents worry whether their children’s fears are normal. They’re concerned about their child’s ability to overcome those fears and often worry that fears will translate into timid behaviors later in life. Whether kids tremble at the suspicion of monsters under the bed or in the face of new green vegetables on their dinner plates, parents can successfully help young children navigate the waters of fear. Here are a few reminders for when the fear feels overwhelming:

Be patient. Some fears are a result of an actual experience that was upsetting for a child, while others come from their imaginations. Either way, a considerable amount of time may be required for a child to overcome a particular fear. The key to a child’s overcoming a fear is for it to be the right time for the child. “We did everything to help our daughter get over her fear of the dark,” Debbie Stokes, Overland Park mom, says. “It felt like she would never feel safe at night. Then, after it seemed we had tried everything, one night, she just fell asleep. And it hasn’t been a big deal since then. I think she just had to work through her fears and outgrow it on her own.” Be patient and understanding; offer support and safety. When your child is ready, the fear will be a thing of the past.

Lead by example. Our kids watch everything we do. “It is amazing how much I notice about my kids that they picked up from my husband and me,” says Allison Wallace, Olathe mom. “Some of it good, some not as good. But it just really makes me realize how much they pay attention!” Having fears as an adult is perfectly acceptable, but it is essential for us parents to demonstrate healthy ways to deal with those fears. Show your children that, even if things are frightening, trying is valuable. Emphasize the importance of trying again when things don’t go your way and emphasize to kids that there’s no shame in admitting they are frightened.

Give them control. One element that can increase the feeling of fear in children is a lack of control. “When my son feels like he doesn’t have a choice, it can be a lot tougher to convince him to try things. He wants to have a choice, just like adults,” says Robyn Bennington, Kansas City, MO, mom. Although choices aren’t always possible, you usually can inject options into most situations. For example, if your child is afraid of the dark and you want to encourage sleeping with the light off, give the choice of adding a night light or sleeping with the closet light on. That allows your child to feel some control of the situation while you still turn out the main lights.

If your child’s fear seems overwhelming, you may want to discussing it with your pediatrician. Some warning signs include:

• Extreme fear or a fear that seems inappropriate for age.
• Fear that leads to self-harm.
• Fear that causes physical symptoms, such as stomachaches or headaches.
• Fear that prevents your child from age-appropriate activity.

Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer, wife and mother of three living in Overland Park.