Individualized Parenting
Parents with more than one child know how different children can be. In fact, I have always said my brother and I are as opposite as you can get and still come from the same gene pool! He was technologically savvy and an introvert, and
I was artistic and social. It’s because of these very differences we find in all our own children, each one created so uniquely, that a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting doesn’t necessarily work. Read on to find out exactly what this means, why it’s helpful, and what it might look like in your family.
Individualized parenting, also called personalized parenting, simply means giving each of your children what he or she needs. In theory, this sounds quite basic. However, it does require parents to observe, get to know their children on a particularly deeper level and discover what makes them tick. One way you can do this is to find out your child’s love language, as this will help you relate and bond more with your child. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch and acts of service. You can find a love language quiz at 5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language. What you learn may not only take your parenting up a notch, but your marriage too! Kristi Brooks, Overland Park mom of two, shares, “Showing love to my daughter looks like lots of snuggles (physical touch), but for my son, is playing a game together (quality time). I think loving your child well looks like knowing how they are uniquely wired and finding creative ways to guide, encourage and meet them where they are.”
You may be wondering why tailoring your parenting to each of your children really matters. Because children are born with unique genetic makeups, they will each respond differently to parents, as well as discipline techniques. According to Forever Families (ForeverFamilies.BYU.edu), “The principle of individualized parenting is fundamental to all the other parenting principles. For example, the way a parent nurtures and shows love to a particular child should reflect the way they have discovered that child feels loved. The limits, consequences and degree of freedom parents give a child should depend on the child’s personality and maturity. For example, a defiant child who misbehaves might benefit from firmer punishment, while a sensitive child might need only a disapproving word. A daring, strong-willed child usually needs more rules to be kept safe and to learn self-control. A child who already controls his behavior might feel mistrusted if his parents lay down strict rules, leading to a need to rebel.”
“Each child is born unique, with strengths, weaknesses, talents and tendencies that make him or her an individual. Because of this uniqueness, different children, even within the same family, respond to the same or similar parenting styles in different ways depending on their personalities and perceptions.” ForeverFamilies.BYU.edu
Perhaps you are rolling your eyes, thinking this new approach is another item to add to your already never-ending to-do list … but, let me tell you, it’s not. You are already individualizing your parenting whether you realize it or not! ElementalMedium.com says, “It only requires that we pay attention to our children; that we recognize and embrace their differences; that we acknowledge that much of their behavior (especially the most frustrating part!) is a product of their biology, not a reflection of our parenting; and that we flexibly adapt our parenting to support each of our unique children.” In the same way teachers aim to individualize each child’s education based on different learning styles, so parents are individualizing based on their child’s temperament and personality differences. Brooks says, “The differences in my two kids are very apparent and have been since birth! My son is an intense, competitive, high-energy extrovert. My daughter is an artistic, gentle, peace-making introvert. I definitely have to consider their different temperaments when we consider how many activities to sign up for each season. I know my son thrives on a busy sports schedule, whereas my daughter needs her downtime. We let my son quit piano after two years, as it wasn’t a good fit for his level of energy and interests. Yet, we continue to keep my daughter in piano three years in, as she is naturally more musically gifted and patient.”
Similarly, Anne Hays, Leawood mom of three, says, “Ever since I can remember, we’ve parented our three girls differently. Our oldest needed a bit more routine than her younger sisters. To this day it frustrates her if plans change or she doesn’t know what to expect. This seems to be the opposite for her younger siblings, who both need a little prompting to plan ahead and not wait until the last minute. We found that when our routine or plan changed for the day, we would communicate with our oldest that plans had changed and why. Sometimes, on vacation, one of us (usually my husband since he is wired the same way!) would stick with the plan, and the other would head off with the younger two. I don’t know whether it is good advice, but it worked for us!”
We all have had the experience throughout our parenting of something working for one child, but definitely not working for another one. Isn’t this part of what makes parenting such an adventure—albeit a frustrating one at times! As parents, we get to be detectives to figure out clues into our children’s innermost workings to help guide us on our parenting journey. And if you are worried about things not seeming fair in your household because children are treated differently, remember, fair isn’t necessarily equal. Fair is each child’s getting exactly what is needed.
Julie Collett is a mom to four children, ages 11, 9, 7 and 4, and continues to have plenty of practice to fine-tune her individualized parenting skills on a daily basis!