Managing Misbehavior
Susan’s son was only a few years old when he started acting out, not listening and having strong, physical outbursts of frustration. Thinking it might be the normal behavior of a 2-year old, Susan and her husband tried the standard forms of discipline, believing things would work themselves out. They did not. The trials and tensions continued into their son’s teens.
Disobedience must be accompanied by consistent and effective discipline, but what will make a difference with your child? It’s often a frustrating time as you work to discover what will effectively curb your child’s unwanted behavior. Although discipline ideas abound, here are some that are universally agreed upon, accepted and effective.
Hold a Philosophy of Discipline
Just the other day, I was reading an article about Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. One of those habits is to start with the end in mind. It doesn’t matter whether you are building a business, saving for a vacation or writing a book, you need to know what you want to achieve before you will actually achieve it. The same goes for discipline. What are your discipline goals? What do you want your kids to learn? Stop misbehaving? To respect your authority? Do what you tell them to do? Listen? Do you want them to grow through the experience?
In its purest form, discipline is instruction. We discipline to help children know they’ve made the wrong decision, taken the wrong action or have the wrong attitude. Yet it’s important to understand that our goal isn’t to shame a child because he took a wrong turn, but to put him on the right course. Identifying wrong behavior is only half of discipline. Correcting and encouraging your child completes it.
Having a philosophy about discipline—about which you remind yourself in those tense moments—will help you keep your eye on the goal of raising a respectful, responsible person. It will also help you ensure that discipline doesn’t end with just the punishment, but also the follow-through of a better plan of action.
Agree
Even before the beginning of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln knew that, “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” What is true of a nation is true in our homes. Agreement is vital when it comes to discipline. If you and your spouse don’t have it, you could end up fighting with each other instead of standing together to stop poor behavior. It can be challenging. You may think your spouse is too harsh or too lenient, but it’s important to discuss those disagreements behind closed doors when the situation isn’t emotionally charged. Arguing in front of your child undermines your authority as parents and takes the focus off of the opportunity to teach correct behavior. It can also shake your child’s sense of security when he sees his parents arguing about him.
Don’t Underestimate the Young Mind
The preschool years are an incredible time of learning and understanding. Maria Montessori, who began the Montessori schools, refers to this phenomenon as “the absorbent mind.” She says, “From birth to (approximately) age 6, your child’s brain works in a very different way than an adult’s does. At this age, her mind is like a sponge, soaking up huge amounts of information from her environment. She is absorbing everything around her, effortlessly, continuously, and indiscriminately.”
You many notice your child repeating your words and hand gestures. She’s learning, and she can also learn the difference between right and wrong. Kansas City pediatrician Dr.Robert Cohen says that a child can be put into time-out about the same time he learns to walk.
“I recommend a time-out for as many years in age they are. For example, if a child is 1 year old, they get one minute of time-out. If 2, then two minutes of time out. They can handle that and they can learn early when they disobey.”
Pick Your Battles
When your child is acting out at every conceivable moment, trying to correct all the behaviors is overwhelming. It’s too much for them to take in, it’s too much for you to keep up with, and it’s exhausting. What you need to do is pick your battles.
I recently saw a quote that said, “Choose your battles wisely because if you fight them all you’ll be too tired to win the really important ones.” What is the most glaring offense in your child’s behavior? Start there. Let your child know what is expected of him, what the consequences are if he breaks the rules and don’t budge. You will need to be consistent, always. Starting this when an issue first arises or when kids are young is the best time to confront behavior, but any time is better than allowing bad behavior to continue.
You will get tired of saying the same thing and be tempted to give up. Don’t. Because sometimes the battle is one of attrition. It’s your will against theirs, and the one who lasts the longest wins. You will be amazed when one day your child simply accepts what is expected. That battle will be over and your consistent parenting will be the victor.
Our ultimate goal as parents is to raise a whole and complete person who can adapt, adjust and fit well into society. Allowing misbehavior to continue will not help you achieve that goal. The endeavor requires time, effort and patience, and you won’t do it perfectly. It may not feel as though you are winning every battle, but in the end, you will win the war.
Christian Barnes lives in Kansas City with her husband and two nearly grown sons. She's fascinated by how children think and learn and enjoys sharing any information she's gathered with others.