Playing Favorites

My mother-in-law has an ornament that makes its way up on the Christmas tree every year. On it are the words, “I’m Mom’s Favorite.” My mother-in-law informed me once that her mom bought her this ornament—and her two sisters, who were within earshot, were quick to add that they each received the same gift, as well! This keepsake always produces raucous laughter in the family, but for those who have experienced favoritism, they can attest that it is no laughing matter.

Parental favoritism can be described as “when one or both parents show preferential treatment to one child over another.” Favoritism is often displayed through gifts and privileges, time spent together or greater lenience with discipline. Most parents don’t intend to pick a favorite but oftentimes do so unknowingly. And although Mom and Dad may be clueless of their preferences, children intuitively pick up who is the favorite of the family (or who isn’t).

Just why do parents play favorites? Common reasons include having a child that looks or acts like you or has talents or personality characteristics you are drawn toward. Children with easygoing temperaments are naturally more enjoyable to be around than ones that are critical and defiant. Because girls are innately more affectionate and less aggressive than boys, parents tend to favor daughters over sons. Favoritism can rear its ugly head when parents are facing crisis or hardship, such as financial stress or divorce. Another factor? Birth order. According to sociologist Jill Suitor’s research, firstborns and last-borns tend to have one common quality that makes them more easily favored than their middle child counterpart: time exclusively alone with their parents. Middle children will always have a sibling around throughout their entire childhood, whereas the firstborn gets Mom and Dad all to himself at the onset, and the baby of the family gets her parents’ undivided attention when older siblings fly the nest. Typically, this equates to firstborns’ receiving more privileges while last-borns get more affection.

Mallory Williams, LCSW, says that the consequences of household favoritism can be catastrophic and long-term. “The biggest long-term dangers are depression, anxiety, unstable or even traumatic reactions in personal relationships, and performance anxiety for both the favored and unfavored children,” Williams says, adding that the feeling of rejection and the lack of self-esteem that follows often plague children into adulthood. An unfavored child ultimately comes to a point of giving up when he realizes there’s nothing he can do to attain the same amount of affection and attention that a favored sibling will receive. Because the parental relationship is foundational for developing expectations for other relationships, this feeling of helplessness can carry over into school or job performance, as well as interpersonal relationships. Another surprising consequence is that non-favored children can end up becoming isolated and withdrawn. After all, if you learn to live without Mom and Dad’s seal of approval, it’s easy to avoid seeking deep personal relationships altogether.

Being a favored child isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. When Mom and Dad dole out the praise for their golden child, inevitably it’s only a matter of time before siblings grow resentful and bitter about the dynamic. Accolades mean little to a child when it comes at the cost of a healthy relationship with brothers and sisters. Parents are often surprised that preferential treatment hurts their favored child more than it helps, since they feel they’ve given their favorite an advantage in life. Williams points out that favoritism actually produces the opposite effect. 

“Because of the praise and favoritism they experience, [favored children] often have difficulty with failure of any kind,” says Williams. “They often feel so much pressure to keep up their star performance that they feel that there is no room for mistakes. They also are prone to rejection or a tense relationship, at the very least, with the non-favored sibling, and find it hard to repair such a relationship, considering that they did nothing to create the situation.”

Favoritism has consequences that children may not outgrow, but if parents aren’t careful, they can make it worse over time. Preferential treatment actually tends to increase with adult children, this time for new reasons such as how close by a child lives, whether or not she shares similar values, or how much financial or emotional support the child has provided.

So what can parents do to avoid such a mistake?

First, acknowledge that fairness does not constitute equality. Many family dynamics are forever changed by the impact of a child with special needs, and there will be seasons of life when one child will need extra attention, be it a high needs newborn or a wayward teenager. Because needs within the family are ever shifting and changing, your ability to serve them will be different as well. When this is explained with compassion and care, siblings are often more gracious and understanding of your limitations. Children may think they want equality in how they are treated by their parents, but, ultimately, no one wants to be viewed as a carbon copy of a brother or sister. Expectations for a toddler and a teenager should be different. Honest and trustworthy children should receive different outcomes than children that are defiant and dishonest. When it boils down, children want to be acknowledged for the ways in which they’re unique and one of a kind. Parents serve their families best when they strive to avoid comparison between children, praise consistently but differently, and show a vested interest in each child’s success, whatever that may look like. Second, acknowledging your own story (both the good and the bad) from your childhood experiences, can be a great motivator to help you strive to create a healthy home atmosphere, as well.

Lauren Greenlee is the oldest of four children and a mother of three, soon-to-be four, children. She writes from her Olathe home.

Did You Know?

According to a Journal of Family and Marriage study, only 15 percent of adult children interviewed felt they received fair treatment from their mothers. A Psychology Today article titled “When Parents Play Favorites” cites that somewhere between one-third and two-thirds of American families deal with parental favoritism.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------