Raising Independent Kids
We can't wrap our kids in bubble wrap and then expect them to be self-sufficient. How do we raise independent children while still allowing our children to be kids? How do we prepare our children for being self-sufficient adults? One of the big goals we parents should have for our children is for them to become as self-sufficient as possible.
No matter your child’s current age, you can always find ways to set the groundwork for them to become more independent. First, let’s take a look at toddlers, who, by nature, are our little explorers. We parents have great intentions as we tell our kids no, of course. We worry about their safety, health and wellness. What if instead of saying no, we try to focus on yes? Yes, let’s feed the dog. Yes, let’s pick up our toys. Yes, let’s set the table. At this age, welcome their willingness and do things side by side. Yes, let’s feed the dogs together!
Teaching children from a very young age to help with household responsibilities not only gives children responsibility-building tasks, but also helps build a sense of self-worth from the start. Try to focus on the mindset that this is our home, and we all are responsible to take part in making sure we look after it. This builds ownership and independence for everyone in your family. I know it takes more work to teach a toddler to sit and fold washcloths than to just fold them yourself. Teaching independence is hard work! The sooner you start, the easier it will be.
As children get older and into middle and high schools, increase their responsibilities. Come at it from two angles. First, focus on what your children love to do. Have kids who love to mess around in the kitchen? Perfect! Teach them to make dinner a few nights a week. Once they are in that routine, add on additional responsibilities related to cooking. Maybe it’s doing the dishes, planning meals or making a grocery list. Are your kids good on the phone as well? Have them do the online grocery ordering since you can always add or delete items before the order is placed. Teach them to reorganize the fridge and the pantry. Teach them all the roles and responsibilities around the one main thing they enjoy. Focusing on what they want to do will set everyone up for success. Of course, kids won’t enjoy every aspect, but really who does? Can you see the pride building in your children as they become better and better with tasks they enjoy?
Once your kids have gotten into their new routine of doing the things they enjoy, talk with them about what they find super challenging. This, of course, is the harder side to tackle. One example that comes to mind is a lot of children find making phone calls challenging. Today, we often send a text or email and call it good, but learning this skill is important. Help children master the phone by setting up appointments for anything and everything. Maybe they need a haircut, so you might chat with them about checking the household calendar for ideal times for them to go. They might need to practice the conversation with you or even hear you make an appointment on speaker phone a few times first. We all have so many appointments, and teaching your children to set up their own appointments early will help them in the long run. Even most entry level jobs have some sort of phone related tasks, and by starting early the process of making phone calls, you are teaching your children to be that much more independent.
Your kids may not need work on phone skills, but the list of life skills adults need is long. Pick something together, then help your youngsters master that step to independence. Most young adults need help learning about managing money, applying for jobs and buying a car or house. The great thing is you do not have to be the expert in all of these areas to help your child learn these skills. What better way for teens to learn about buying a new car than having them there with you when you buy a new car? If you don’t feel knowledgeable about a topic you want to teach your children, find someone who is able to teach you together.
What if you are short on time, energy or hands to teach? Have an older sibling instruct a younger one or ask Dad to teach a kiddo. I love a perfectly folded sheet, but you know what I love more? My husband and my son. Who really cares if their folded sheet isn’t as tidy as mine? If my husband is teaching our son to do something, I could care less about perfection!
In addition to helping your children learn to manage new tasks, it is also important to understand there will be mistakes. As hard as they are to watch, mistakes are really a teaching and learning opportunity for both sides. Your children will learn more about how the mistake is handled than about the actual mistake itself. Give kids some room to try to figure things out first. Then, when needed, help solve the problem instead of just fixing it. Fixing things in the moment for struggling kids is so much easier, but in the long run, so much growth comes from the learning to figure things out. Help your children develop the confidence to take a leap, knowing you will be there with a net if they do fall.
No matter your children’s ages it is never too early or too late to start teaching them about responsibilities to help mold them into responsible and independent people. Just start somewhere with something and build from there. Yes, there will be mistakes along the way, but what better way to learn than to learn together as a family!
Janelle Cumro-Sultzer lives in Overland Park with her husband, son and two dogs. Janelle is a former health care executive director and is a mediator in Kansas, helping families in conflict. She loves to focus on learning through play and getting messy with crafts.