Taming the Tattletale

I remember being the tattletale among my younger siblings. It was always the little things, too. I don’t know whether it was for attention or simply because I wanted everyone to do the right thing, but I certainly caused some strife as I went through that phase.

Younger sister left the house when she wasn’t supposed to? I tattled. Sister or brother took my toy? I tattled. Heck, I even tattled on myself. My dad often tells the story and laughs at the time he asked me, “Emily, why is your sister crying?” I replied, with absolutely no hesitation, “She took my toy so I had to hit her with it.” My tattletale phase knew no bounds.

So when does tattling actually become a problem, and how exactly do you tame a tattletale? There are necessary and unnecessary times to tattle, and it’s important for kids to be able to spot the difference. You want your child always to report the truth, but you also want to set healthy boundaries.

According to the Child Mind Institute, tattling is children’s natural response to learning about rules, but they can learn that it is not necessary in every rule-breaking scenario. For example, tattling is reporting a peer’s wrongdoing when the situation is safe and the child doesn’t need intervention. Telling is letting an adult know that the situation is not safe or your child needs adult intervention when managing the situation.

Tattling just to share another’s mistake might reveal just a mean-spirited motive. On the other hand, a child’s urge to alert someone could very well be necessary. Each unique scenario should be examined separately to leave to an adult to decide. Several experts have shared their advice on the subject.

First-grade teacher Carol Anderson instructs her students that it is okay to tell if someone is hurt or in danger. “The first-graders need to be reminded of this often,” she says. “When they come to tattle, I will ask them if this person is being hurt or is in danger. If yes, they can tell—if not, then I stop them.”

“Tattling may be the way a child reaches out to an adult because they don’t know how to handle, ‘Sarah took my toy,’” says Kariann Noland. “Teach them how to resolve the conflict and observe them resolve it in a healthy way.”

Kayla Ueligger, social worker and mom of three, shares a set of processing questions for when someone feels the need to tattle.

•Is someone hurt or unsafe?

•Did you tell them you didn’t like it and ask them to stop?

•Did you tell them you are getting help?

•Do you not like it or was someone unsafe?

Ueligger’s goal is to teach children how to recognize that an action is unsafe. “They may have something that ‘blips’ on the ‘don’t like’ radar that I want to know about and stop (touching, showing parts, etc.),” she says. “Unsafe or hurt is not just physical. Feelings and that social interaction piece can be just as unsafe and needs to be handled also. Little moments add up to big moments by the time they are older.”

Reporting is always okay, Ueligger emphasizes. She knows there will be times someone asks a person to not tell, or people will be upset with the one who tells. “We still talk to our trusted adults and we always tell regardless if someone else likes it,” she says. “Talk about secrets, that talking to Mom and Dad is okay no matter what, and that sometimes you just need to talk and ask questions, which is not tattling.”

The root of tattling could be as simple as a craving for attention, and consistently being a tattletale makes a child feel noticed and important. Whatever the reason, it’s best to take children seriously and figure out what they are ultimately trying to communicate.

Emily Morrison is a freelance writer, former copy editor, full-time mommy and Disney fanatic who lives in Independence with her husband, son, daughter and dog.