The Consistent Parent

In some ways, being a consistent parent is simple. We consistently eat pancakes every Sunday and order pizza consistently from Manny’s every time we get a hankering.  But what about all the other areas? The harder ones. The consistency opportunities that sometimes result in tears and tantrums and sleepless nights wondering whether you’re doing it right? Here are five ways you can start to be more consistent with your children today and tips to stay consistent with those efforts. And remember, practice makes perfect. (There’s another word for that, you know. It’s “consistency”.)

Consequences:

We may as well start with the hardest one, right? Consequences are the absolutely most difficult thing for me in relation to the constancy department. My intentions to be strong and sturdy and foreboding are always there. But darn it if my toddler doesn’t have eyes bluer than the deepest ocean that he can bat better than Babe Ruth could ever dream.  I often find myself throwing out a ridiculous threat in absolute frustration without ever thinking it through. “If you kick your sister one more time I am throwing your Buzz Lightyear in the trash!” I can picture my child laughing at me as I say the words. Who am I kidding? He knows I’m not going to do that. That stupid plastic extravaganza cost $25.00, and he needs it for his best friend’s Toy Story birthday party next week. My threats have no backbone, and sometimes, neither do I.

When doling out consequences for actions, consistency is paramount.  If a child hears the promise of a consequence, but finds a way to slide out of it, then it isn’t a consequence. It’s simply words that a red-faced adult is screaming at him … and he will give it no credence. Conversely, an intentional and clear promise of a consequence that is consistency carried out is taken seriously. Your child should know that if you threaten to leave the movie theater, you are willing to leave the movie theater, wasted money and all. Plain and simple. No wiggle room. The faster you can demonstrate that immobility, the more seriously the kids will take you.

A United Front:

Okay, so you’ve got a handle on consequences and promises you make. But will your spouse crumble under the pressure if you’re not around? Don’t give your kids the chance to test that theory out. Sit down with your spouse today and decide together what consequences will be given for behavior that is unacceptable. If your teen missed curfew and knows Dad will get angry but Mom will definitely take the car away, guess which parent she’ll hit up to make an exception just this once?  Don’t let your children divide and conquer. Be resolute in your decisions as a parenting team. If one of you feels weak, share that with your partner and let the other be the strong one for that time. That isn’t to say that one parent should always be “the bad guy,” but it’s okay to admit when you need the support to carry out the promises you’ve made.

Chores and Responsibilities:

If you haven’t set very clear expectations and responsibilities for every member of your household already, you need to start today. You are a parent, not a maid. The earlier you teach your children they are expected to be a contributing member of the family, the likelier they will grow to become a contributing roommate in college, contributing employee at work and contributing spouse in a marriage.

While this all sounds well and good, know that kids are crafty. As a child, I once weighed the odds of skipping my Saturday chores in the desperate hopes my parents would forget and I’d be off the hook for one more week. So I gave it a try and I can tell you that not only did they notice, but also that the consequences were absolutely not worth it. From that moment on, my chores were done on time and on point. Only one instance of you throwing up your hands and taking on (yet another) chore for yourself officially moves the job in your kid’s eyes from their responsibility to yours. Don’t take the bait. Create a list of tasks for each member of the household and assign each task a deadline. Then clearly communicate the consequence that will be given if that task is not completed. Your daughter didn’t take out the trash by Monday at 8:00? Sayonara, cheerleading practice. Hopefully, she’ll learn for next week!

Full disclosure: Remaining consistent with this is so incredibly hard. It’s easier to heave a huge sigh and just unload the dishwasher yourself. But by allowing inconsistency, you are weakening your child’s ability to function properly in the real world. You wouldn’t want to shortchange him, would you? And really, you don’t want to unload the dishwasher anyway.

Let the good times roll … for a while

In your children’s lives, they will encounter boring times, sad times and downright awful times. Take heart and know that negative experiences help children be grateful for the good times. Difficulty bolsters their empathy for other people and gives them an understanding of something beyond themselves. All that said, the temptation is incredibly great to consistently create a world of wonder. But before you mow over every hurdle and hiccup, take a step back and consistently evaluate your child’s experiences. When was the last time she solved a problem on her own with zero help from you or a sibling? When was the last time he were bored and found a way to entertain himself? When did your kids last read a book cover to cover because it was just so good? Children who are consistently led to think for themselves and create excitement independently will thrive. They won’t give up quickly. They will become resilient. Remember that, and chickity-check yo-self with the “here, let me help you with that” mentality. Consistently remind yourself you are raising a life-long learner, and even the best learners must fail a few—or maybe even several—times. 

Being a consistent parent is hard. Full stop. It takes enormous amounts of thought and intention, and you will most assuredly have moments where you fall short. Know that parenting is a learning process, and that consistency does have to have an opposite: flexibility. There is a way to have a healthy balance of both. Understand that if you haven’t lived the most consistent life as a parent, there’s always time to change. Communicate what you’re doing and why, and your family will appreciate the effort. They may not like the changes right away, but you’ll stay steadfast and consistent, and you all will reap the benefits.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and toddler son.