Three Questions: A Realist Mom’s Reality Check
At this particular time in history, we can feel like problems are coming at us from all sides, problems that appear far from being solved. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, stressed out and as though we—and the world around us—are spinning out of control at breakneck speed. Being a mom responsible for raising human beings in these perilous times ups the ante of these scary unknowns and frightening what-ifs.
Some of us are born optimists, better able to emotionally weather life’s storms. However, too much optimism can leave us with our heads in the sand, unprepared to confront the serious issues of our time. Others among us lean toward pessimism, riding these bumps in a struggle bus of stress and anxiety, ready for the road to fall out beneath us. Pessimism has its perks, helping us to prepare for worst-case scenarios, but it severely undermines our mental and physical health. So, what’s the ticket to smoother roads? Realism, the ability to see the world around us as clearly as possible. Not through the rosy spectacles of optimism, not through the bleak shades of pessimism, but rather with the clarity of a realistic outlook that aims to accurately assess and answer three important questions in the midst of our adversity: How long? How wide? How deep?
How Long? (Permanence)
Permanence asks this question: How long will this situation affect us? In the midst of a crisis, optimists tend to see adversity as short-lived, whereas pessimists can believe the adversity will never end and that Doomsday draws nigh. To pessimists, it’s the end of the world as we know it (and yes, #ITEOTWAWKI is an increasingly popular hashtag). A realist, instead, knows to question the permanence of a situation, avoiding all-or-nothing, never-or-forever thinking.
How wide? (Pervasiveness)
Pervasiveness asks this question: How widespread is this situation? Under negative circumstances, optimists will underestimate pervasiveness, whereas pessimists will exaggerate it, determined their entire world is imploding around them from all sides and every angle. The sky is falling, all over the globe, they cluck. Our news cycles and social media only exacerbate this sense of global pervasiveness. A realist pauses to look at facts and asks, “How wide is this, really?”
How deep? (Personalization)
Personalization asks this question: How deep is the source of this problem? Not taking situations too personally is important but can also have negative consequences when we need to shoulder responsibility instead of blaming external circumstances or other people for our own flubs. At the other extreme, when we internalize problems too much, we can seize up with shame. Realists take responsibility, as needed, without getting stuck in the ruts of blame and shame.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.