THREE WAYS TO SAY I LOVE YOU
Within our human hearts is a deep longing to be seen, heard, appreciated and loved. The foundation for this love is first formed within the parent-child bond: Infants and toddlers who feel loved have healthy attachments and begin to thrive, whereas children without this foundational love struggle, even on a physical level, to survive. But a child's need for love doesn't end in these younger years. The way we parents demonstrate our love as our kids grow may shift and change forms, along with our child's response to our affection, but the need will forever remain. Here are three simple ways to remind our growing children every day how very much we adore them.
1. Greet kids exuberantly.
Toni Morrison knew the importance of an exuberant greeting. She famously asked, "Does your face light up" when your child enters the room? In relationship psychology, experts have long understood the power of nonverbal messages. Researchers can accurately predict the success or demise of relationships based upon unspoken cues—the warmth of a hand squeeze, the disdain of an eye roll, whether bodies lean toward or away from one another—but it doesn't take an expert to pick up on these subtleties. The way we look at our children from across a room betrays the way we feel about them. When you greet your child, notice: Does your face light up with joy?
2. Hold the space
Everyone wants to feel heard, especially children, who are often admonished, overlooked and ignored. The practice of holding space is to be fully present with another person without judgment, interference or giving unsolicited advice. It's a silent but soulful way of simply being in the presence of others and acknowledging them, especially when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Holding the space looks like sitting with your child and acknowledging you are there for him, no matter what. To hold the space is a gentle way of demonstrating the powerful force of unconditional love.
3. Seven-second hugs
Not every kid wants to be hugged, and it’s important to respect your children’s physical boundaries to teach them their body belongs to them. But if your kids still crave physical affection, here's a tip: Hug them for seven seconds. Why? Studies show that hugging for seven seconds releases the bonding hormone, oxytocin, and also bolsters the immune system. A sustained hug is a healing elixir for body and soul. And if you can't squeeze a hug out of your self-conscious teens, go in for a fist bump or pat on the shoulder. If all else fails, circle back to tip #1: Greet them exuberantly with a wink and a smile that beams, “I love you!”
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.