Tips for Playdates with Special Needs Kids

Playdates are an important part of childhood. They offer time for kids to interact socially without the structure of school or extracurricular activities. They also help kids learn to share, socialize and play freely while still having support from their parents as needed. Kids with special needs are no exception and benefit from playdates as much as their peers. Although playdates for them may take a little more planning and patience, the effort is well worth it for everyone involved. Here are some tips for hosting a playdate with kids with disabilities.

Be open

Our natural reaction may be to avoid talking about any disabilities a child may have, but addressing any questions or concerns beforehand is best so everyone is more comfortable and knows what to expect. “I am up front and honest about my daughter before we go to anyone’s house for a playdate,” says Barb Walker-Shapiro, mom of six from Omaha. “Her brain doesn’t work like other kids’. She may have a seizure and is prone to major meltdowns. I find that when other parents know what’s ‘wrong’ with my daughter, they are more tolerant and compassionate towards her.”

Talking to your children openly about differences they may have with their friends is important too. Explain that just because others may seem different or express their joy differently doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy playdates or making new friends as well. Prior to the playdate, be sure to check in with the other parents about whether there are any food allergies or restrictions and anything else important you should know.

Be strategic

            Prior to the playdate, talk with the other parents about the best location to have the playdate. For some, their own home is more comfortable and successful. For others, staying at home may encourage the special needs child to say hello then retreat quickly to his own room while company visits. In this case, it may be better to go to a public place that everyone can enjoy, such as a park, museum or zoo. On the other hand, parents who have a child prone to running away or hiding may find a public place overwhelming. Discuss your plans with all the parents involved and come up with the best solution for everyone.

Another great strategy is to plan activities that unite the kids. Kids who struggle with talking to peers or sharing toys may find that a common interest helps them feel more at ease. Find out the interests of the kids you are hosting and offer an activity that excites all. Ideas could include a craft, a game or visiting somewhere that fosters that interest. For example, if they are interested in nature, visit the Overland Park Arboretum or go on a backyard scavenger hunt. If they are interested in tractors and farm animals, visit a farm, such as Deanna Rose.

Be patient

Whenever kids are involved, patience is important. Try to understand that kids may have different reactions to situations, things may not go exactly as expected and that it may take some time for kids with special needs to warm up to the situation. Some children with special needs may prefer to participate in parallel play, where kids play beside each other but do not interact with one another. Children who play alone during parallel play still enjoy the time together and are usually interested in what the other children are doing. If things do not go as planned, it’s okay to cut the playdate short and try again in the future.

            Be inclusive

The most important thing to note is that kids with disabilities or special needs are just like anyone else: They want to interact with friends and be loved and appreciated. When hosting a playdate with kids with disabilities, greet them and interact with them as you would anyone else you meet. “Please say hi to my son. Smile at him, even if he doesn’t smile back,” says Marie Taylor, Olathe mother of two.

Even if the child is nonverbal or doesn’t seem to hear you, speaking to him is important. Angela Leever, Olathe special education teacher and mother of three, says, “Encourage the parents and children to speak to the child with special needs, not about them. If the child with special needs does something your child isn’t happy with or that isn’t appropriate, allow them to use words to tell them. Sometimes that is more powerful than the adults intervening.”

Be understanding

Parenting is not easy, and we all struggle with different challenges when it comes to our children. Ask the parents if they need help with anything prior to the playdate. “I almost always have a few extra things to carry, so please don’t be shy about asking if I need help,” says Taylor. “I also need a lot of grace.”

Try to be patient and understanding. The other parent may be overwhelmed or tired. Getting there may have been challenging. All parents have great days where everything goes as planned and tough days where it seems nothing does. Listen and offer a hand when needed, and the other parent most likely will offer the same in return.

            The most important tip for having playdates with a special needs child is just to have them. The occasion may take a little more planning and patience than the average playdate, but it is so worth it to both the parents and kids involved. Playdates offer a great chance for kids to interact with peers and make friends in a non-stressful way, and they are also a great time for parents to connect and build each other up as well.

Playdate Activities That Unite

            Choosing activities that encourage common interests will help foster friendships. Here are some ideas:

• Build something: Legos, blocks, wooden train sets.
• Pick something they are both interested in and go do it.
• Do arts and crafts.
• Go outside and play.
• Make quiet stations for the quieter group. Set up puzzles, coloring sheets, books, blocks.
• Set up a sensory bin.
• Pick a neutral location: museum, park or zoo.

Mom of six Sarah Lyons lives in Olathe with her family.