What Inquiring Parents of Teens Want to Know

Parents of teens have questions. For advice on topics ranging from pandemic concerns to wise decision-making, we turned to Kansas City experts for answers to some of our most pressing questions.

Living in a Pandemic World

How do I support my teen who is anxious and worried that her senior year will be negatively impacted by a possible resurgence of the pandemic?

Reducing uncertainty is one of the most effective techniques we can use to manage anxiety. We can do this by asking questions and educating ourselves. For teens worried about how their senior year may be impacted by COVID-19:

• Stay up to date on what is happening locally and with your school.
• Educate yourself and use accurate, appropriate sources of information (school websites) in a balanced way.
• Avoid spending large amounts of time on social media and other forms of media, which can exacerbate anxiety.
• Avoid planning for the worst, which is just another way to focus on uncertainty.
• Focus on what you know and what you can do.
• Realize that no matter what happens, you will graduate and many people are working to adapt activities and schedules as necessary to keep everyone as safe and healthy as possible.

"COVID-19 should not be allowed to define our teens’ lives. Help teens find balance and joy each day in their activities. Encourage them to get outside, connect with peers, stay busy with hobbies, find a new hobby or start a fun project. All these kinds of activities will decrease anxiety and increase positive emotions." ~ Stephen Lassen, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist, University of Kansas Health System

Respecting Others

How can I make sure I’m teaching my sons to respect women and minorities?

The most important way to teach our children to respect women and minorities is through modeling this respect in our own words and behavior. This includes demonstrating respect consistently, but also includes labeling disrespect, prejudice and other negative behaviors and attitudes when you and they observe them in others in daily life, in current events and in entertainment.

"Biases are ingrained in our culture, therefore, can be invisible unless specifically called out. Be aware and label your own bias as well. Are you more nervous if the person walking down the street behind you is an ethnic minority? Consider why this might be and work to challenge these reactions." ~ Sara Gould, Ph.D., psychologist, Children’s Mercy, Division of Developmental & Behavioral Health

Manage Stress

How can I help my teen better manage stress?

Help teens see how challenges can be opportunities for growth and personal enhancement, not simply something to endure or try to escape. Encourage flexible thinking by asking them to consider questions like “What are some other reasons why this happened? or “How can this benefit you?”

As teens begin to think more accurately and flexibly about situations they encounter, they will experience less stress. The situations don’t change, but how they respond to them will help decrease the subjective experience of stress.

Physical activity, good nutrition and high quality sleep are particularly important to help teens more effectively manage challenging situations. Other ideas to help teens maintain good balance in their lives:

• Stay connected to peers who are a positive influence.
• Maintain a regular daily schedule.
• Focus on accomplishing developmentally appropriate tasks such as getting a job and getting their driver’s license.
• Engage in proactive and healthy habits.
• As a parent, role model healthy habits around how you manage stress.

"Stress can be detrimental to our health at high and consistent levels, but it can also lead to strength and growth in our lives if we let it work for our benefit. An old English saying teaches “A smooth sea does not make a skilled mariner.” Similarly, lives devoid of stress do not make strong, capable human beings." ~ Stephen Lassen, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist, University of Kansas Health System

Express Feelings

How do I create a safe space for my teen to express his or her feelings?

One of the best ways to help you connect with your teenagers and make them feel safe and understood is to carefully listen and validate their feelings when they talk to you. So often when teenagers come to us, we parents are quick to offer advice and let them know the reasons why what they’re thinking isn’t right in some way. Validating your teens’ feelings has nothing to do with whether their feelings are right or wrong or you agree with them. It’s just understanding and showing them, “Okay, I get it.”

"By listening, validating and withholding advice unless requested, you will teach your teens to trust their own feelings and emotions, which helps them learn to problem-solve and connect to that inner wisdom to make decisions." ~ Julie Gettings, MSW-LSCSW, professional staff therapist, KC PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy)

The Developing Teen Brain

Why does my teen make unwise choices?

Teens often make unwise choices because of adolescent cognitive development. Teens’ brains aren’t done yet. Independence is growing rapidly, but the brain’s control centers are not yet fully online. Teens are often impulsive, and short-term gain (or cost) is a greater influence than long-term gain (or cost). Decision-making skills and abstract thinking skills are still developing and are inconsistent and easily overridden by emotion. That’s why parenting a teen is so tricky.

"The goal is to allow as much independence as your teens have demonstrated they can manage responsibly—and decrease independence if your teens’ behavior shows they aren’t quite ready. All teens develop differently, so this may result in your setting different limits and expectations than your teen’s friends have." ~ Sara Gould, Ph.D., psychologist, Children’s Mercy, Division of Developmental & Behavioral Health

Christa Melnyk Hines is a nationally published freelance journalist. She and her husband reside in Olathe with their two teens.