What Working Moms Have That Stay-at-Home Moms Want (and Vice Versa)
With the never-ending cycle of laundry, cleaning, toy repairs, bedtime stories, playtimes and meal planning, many moms feel their work is never done. “I have a daily to-do list plus a running to-do list that never goes away. It basically comes down to what has to be done and what would be nice if I could get to it. Maybe when the kids are grown!” says Monica Davis, Overland Park mom. No matter whether you stay home with your children or work outside the home, the job of mom doesn’t offer sick days or vacation time. “Even when they aren’t following you to the bathroom, your kids are never far from your thoughts,” says Kelli Woods, Kansas City, KS, mom.
While the demands of motherhood unite all moms, there are moments when many of us look across the fence at a mom with different circumstances and think the grass might be greener on the other side. We talked to moms around the metro and found out what stay-at-home moms envy about moms who work outside the house, and what working moms long for that-stay-at-home moms enjoy.
Moms who work outside the home say…
- 65 percent envy the ability to schedule doctor and dentist appointments for the kids without having to explain to a boss why they need to leave early.
- 35 percent envy stay-at-home moms’ ability to participate in school activities.
- 85 percent envy the amount of time stay-at-home moms are able to spend with their children.
Stay-at-home moms say…
- 80 percent envy the adult conversation that comes with working outside the house.
- 55 percent envy the sense of self that comes with having a career that is separate from family.
- 37 percent envy the wardrobe possibilities when the day consists of meetings instead of play dates.
While both groups have no problem putting together their wish lists, they also have plenty to say on how moms can all come together to support each other. “No matter what choices we make raising our kids, we are all raising kids. The more support, the better. Better for the moms and better for the kids,” says Autumn Brooks, Kansas City, MO, mom. So, what are the biggest ways moms can offer their support and help other moms navigate through the rough waters of motherhood? Metro moms share their thoughts:
Be friendly. A smile goes a long way! Many metro moms say they feel most comfortable with other moms who offer a smile or a greeting when they cross paths. “It gives you a sense of a mom community when someone in a similar situation gives you a greeting,” JoAnn Knapp, Leawood mom, says. “You just feel like you are in it together.”
Offer kind words. Tell other mothers what you appreciate about what they do. “If you like their kids’ clothes, read a blog they wrote or saw them hosting an event somewhere, tell them they are doing great. Moms need to hear it,” Erica Benning, Lee’s Summit mom, says. “I love to hear it—any mom would.”
Don’t judge or gossip. Moms have their own styles and preferences and make their own choices. If you make different choices, accept that and move on. Gossiping or judging another mom for her choices or preferences only weakens the community.
“Working or not working, co-sleeping, cry it out, organic snacks—there are a million things moms argue about. Let’s discuss and debate and then put it aside and be one community,” Kim Perry, Overland Park mom, says. “The best way to build up moms, and help our kids, is to all be there for each other.”
Do not make assumptions. We never know the details of someone else’s journey unless she shares it with us. Take things at face value and focus on what is in front of you. “When my husband and I were having a rough patch, I think other moms in our playgroup thought I was being standoffish. But really, I was just having a hard time and needed some space,” says Bonnie Mills, Olathe, mom.
Communicate. The easiest way to let someone know what you are thinking is to speak up! If you need help, need a friend to listen or just want to share some good news, let your fellow moms know what you need.
Whether moms work outside the home or stay home with their children, their goals are the same: be the best mom possible and support the family. The good news is lots of evidence shows both types of moms are succeeding:
- According to a May 2015 study from Harvard Business School, daughters of working mothers grow up to be more successful in the workplace than their peers. They earn more and are more likely to be bosses.
- A 2014 study completed at Stanford Business School suggests that stay-at-home parents offer benefits, even after children reach school age. The study, based on a study completed in Norway, showed that older children tended to do better in school if they had a parent who stayed home. On average, the older siblings increased their grade-point averages in 10th grade by .02 points on Norway’s grading scale of 1 to 6 points when a parent was at home.
Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer and mother of two living in Overland Park.