When Your Child Doesn't Make the Team

When Tyler Cundith’s son tried out for basketball his eighth grade year, he was one of 55 boys hoping for a spot on the team. The Blue Valley school coaches had enough spots to fill two 12-man rosters. That meant that more than half of the boys who tried out that year got cut.

What is a child to do? And, perhaps the bigger question is, what is a parent to do?

Not making the team is a tricky situation that can affect both child and parent. In many ways, the key to comforting a child who is cut from a team rests on the parents’ own expectations and responses.

“Parents can be just as competitive, if not more so, as their kids,” says Cundith, Johnson County Community College’s sports information director and golf instructor.

Danita Hill with the Blue Valley Soccer Club agrees. As an administrator of the club that caters to players from pre-school to twelfth grade, she has seen parents have meltdowns right in front of her when their child does not make a team.

“In our society, as a rule, parents want their kids to succeed,” Hill says. “We don’t want our kids to get hurt.”

But sometimes the best opportunities for life lessons come at the expense of a difficult moment. When a kid doesn’t make the cut, maybe it opens the door for him to try something else. Or perhaps it gives her a chance to be tough, pull herself up and move on.

In an article on www.Education.com, Joel H. Fish, author of 101 Ways to be a Terrific Sport Parent, suggests parents and their child make a list of goals before tryouts to illustrate what the tryout is really about. If a child realizes early on he wants to have fun or work well with others – and not just be the best at a particular skill – he may more easily realize he can attain those goals in other ways if he doesn’t make the team.

Hill emphasizes that regardless of the type of team or level of competition, it’s the kids who should be in the driver’s seat. When her own daughter at age 9 expressed interest in trying out for a competitive soccer team, Hill was terrified. But she did her best to tamp down that fear, because her daughter was the one who wanted to do it.

“I told her, ‘You love to play the game. You’re good at the game,’” Hill recalls. “‘If you make it, great; I will celebrate with you. If you don’t make it, no big deal.’”

That’s the same sort of attitude Cundith tries to instill in kids who attend his summer golf camps at JCCC, some of whom have never held a golf club.

“I tell them the goal is to get them to be the best they can be,” Cundith says. “You always want to be the best you can be. But if you don’t succeed, it’s not all over. Success comes in many forms.”

Do’s and Don’ts of Reassuring a Child Who Doesn’t Make the Team

• Do realize you cannot control whether your child makes a team. But you can control how you respond.
• Do remember that it’s just a game. Keep the fun of competition in focus.
• Do praise your child for the good she does. Maybe she’s not cut out for soccer this year. But is she a fabulous artist? Compassionate toward others? Pat her on the back for the skills that do shine in her. 
• Do give your child the reins. Let her decide for herself if she wants to keep working toward a particular goal, or whether she wants to turn her focus elsewhere.
• Don’t immediately challenge the coach’s decision. Doing so only adds to your child’s burden.
• Don’t get frustrated with your child. Negative emotions do nothing to build up and encourage.
• Don’t make it about you. Too often, Hill says, the parents are the ones in the drivers’ seats. Kids need to learn how to chase their own dreams.
• Don’t stop encouraging your child if making a particular team is truly his desire. Vow to do all you can to help him succeed.

Kate Meadows lives in Lenexa with her family.