Anger Management for Kids

Your 6-year-old’s friend had to cancel a playdate because of illness, and now she has no one to play dress-up with. With her hands curled into little balls, your sweet little girl’s face reddens as she kicks over the block tower her brother just built, knocking it to the floor.

“It’s not fair!” she cries out in anger.

You try to comfort her, but to no avail. She’s angry and storming around the room kicking things and throwing toys. Will she ever calm down?

First of all, recognize that anger is actually a secondary emotion, basically a mask worn to cover another emotion—one that makes us feel vulnerable. And children confuse it with feeling powerful and in control. What your 6-year-old is truly feeling is sadness and disappointment that her friend had to cancel the playdate, but she’s masking those feelings with anger to feel in control. So in this situation, try redirecting her feelings. Here are some tips on how to cool a hot temper:

• Get her moving. Physical activity is a great way to cope with anger. Go for a walk with her, let her run, play Frisbee, jump rope, ride a bike or dance. Movement produces endorphins that amazingly change the brain’s makeup.
• Send her to a calm, quiet spot. Find a good place in your home where she can go to regain her control, such as a quiet corner in the living room, a space in her bedroom, etc. Offer soothing things, such as books, play dough, gentle music, crayons and paper. Make this her calming corner where she can go when she feels angry.
• Tear it up. Have her draw or write what’s upsetting her on a piece of paper. Then, have her tear it into little pieces and “throw her anger away.”
• Teach her to stop and breathe. Show her how to inhale slowly to a count of five, pause for two counts and breathe out slowly for five counts. Repeating this sequence will create relaxation and reduced stress.
• Create art. When anger strikes, hand her a paintbrush or markers and encourage her to get her anger out on paper or canvas. Tell her to paint how she feels. This is a great way to calm the mind and turn anger into something positive and creative!
• Do the anger dance. Turn on music and tell her to dance her anger away.

To help your child avoid doing the wrong things when she’s feeling overwhelmed with anger, try teaching her some simple anger management skills. Here are some great examples to get you started:

• Teach your child to label her feelings. In other words, differentiate between feelings and behavior. This helps a child verbalize feelings of anger, disappointment and frustration. If you talk about feelings with him often, he will learn to recognize his own much better (e.g., “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”).
• Be a role model. The best way to teach your child how to handle anger is to show her how you deal with your own emotions when you’re angry. If your child sees you lose your temper, then she will probably do the same. However, if she sees you handle your emotions in a gentler way, then she will pick up on that too.
• List the family anger rules. What behavior is acceptable when your family members are angry and what is not? Create a list of household rules that specify your expectations. For example, no physical aggression, name-calling or destruction of property. This will help your child understand that he cannot hit, throw or break things or lash out verbally or physically when he’s angry. Use a reward system for when your child follows the rules, but when he breaks the rules, be sure to have consequences ready, such as time-out or loss of privileges.
• Teach your child how to cope. Instead of telling her not to hit her brother when she’s angry, explain what she can do when she’s feeling frustrated. Tell her, “Next time, use your words,” or ask, “What can you do instead of hitting?” You also can use time-out as a tool to help her calm down. Let her know that she can put herself in a time-out when she feels like she’s going to break an anger rule.

Having trouble handling anger sometimes is quite normal for children, but with proper guidance, things should improve. However, if your child seems to really struggle with controlling his anger and/or it seems to be getting worse, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

Gina Klein is an author and writer who resides in Kansas City with her husband, two daughters and a houseful of rescue animals.