Everyone has to deal with feelings of anger and frustration. While these feelings are normal, it is important to teach kids how to deal with them appropriately. Parents and kids can work as a team to come up with strategies for these situations. “Unfortunately, many kids have never been given the opportunity to think of those other ways to calm down. They keep getting into trouble because the only behaviors they know are inappropriate ways to express their anger,” says Parents.com. Working together to prepare a plan before it’s needed will help children learn how to calm down and discuss why the feelings occurred. The Parents.com article continues, “Once the child chooses his ‘calm down’ technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry.” Here are some examples of this technique for each age group.
The Toddler Years (ages 0-2)
Prepare: Observe what calms your child. Is it snuggling up with a parent? What toys does he play with quietly? Make note of what is calming for your child and use these activities later when he’s upset.
Act: Children of this age do not understand their feelings. When your child becomes frustrated and angry, use one calming technique you observed. Sing a song, snuggle up with a book, get out a new toy or start a new activity. Remain calm yourself and use a soothing voice while speaking to your child.
Discuss: Think about what caused the child’s anger and discuss with other caregivers what may be common frustrations for your child. If a toy is causing the child to become angry, simply remove it. If the child is overtired or hungry, adjust meals and bedtime. During the toddler years, tantrums are normal and may happen frequently. Try to remember that this is one of the ways that toddlers are able to communicate their feelings. Be patient and know that this stage will pass as the child matures and his vocabulary develops.
The Preschool Years (ages 3-5)
Prepare: On a calm day, talk with your preschooler about different types of feelings, giving names to them. Some find a chart or photos helpful when explaining. Discuss appropriate behavior for when she is angry and talk about actions to help her calm down. Calming suggestions for preschoolers may include drawing a picture, playing with cars, doing a simple puzzle, singing and dancing to music, running, jumping or sharing hugs. Sherrie Hoffman, Hiawatha, Kansas, says, “With my 5-year-old, slow deep breaths help. Then, when he can talk, we discuss what has upset him.”
Act: When feelings of anger begin, in a calm voice ask your child to try one of the techniques you two discussed earlier. Remind her you will talk about it when she is calm. Do not feed into her actions unless she is working on becoming calm.
Discuss: Later, ask the child to share why she became angry and come up with ideas of how to prevent the situation in the future. Remind her it’s normal to feel angry at times and let her know you are proud of the way she used the techniques to calm down.
The School Years (ages 6-11)
Prepare: Discuss common triggers for your child and come up with a plan for how to handle them.Talk about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate anger. As during the preschool age, together come up with a technique that helps calm the child and plan to use it when needed. Ideas for kids in this age group include going to their bedroom and listening to their favorite music, kicking a soccer ball, swinging on the swing set or screaming into a pillow.
Act: When your child becomes angry, calmly let him know that you see he is upset and would like to talk about it when he is calm. “We don’t talk about a problem until they are calm, and if they get worked up while explaining what is wrong, then we take deep breaths until they are calm again,” says Rachael Kennedy, Overland Park mother of five.
Discuss: When the child has calmed down, listen to his frustrations. Let him know it is OK to feel angry and praise him for handling it well. Ask him what could have been different and come up with solutions as a team.
The Teen Years (ages 12 years and up)
Prepare: At this age, kids may be aware of what sets them off—and so may parents. Try to problem solve how to avoid situations that make them angry. Come up with ways your teens can calm down on their own. Ideas for this age include taking a walk, tidying up their room, listening to music, journaling, taking a shower or bath or calling a friend to vent.
Act: Calmly mention that you see she is angry and ask her to please take a break from the situation until she can calm down. Give her space—unless she wants to talk—and be patient. If appropriate, leave her alone in the house to calm down.
Discuss: Later, after everyone is ready, discuss what happened. Problem solve what a solution could be now or in the future. Come to a compromise about what could be different and ask her for as much input as possible.
The goal of these techniques is to teach kids that all feelings are normal, even anger. Teaching these techniques gives kids the tools they need to deal with anger in an appropriate way and teaches them how to use problem solving to work through a frustrating situation.
It’s no secret that our behavior as parents affects our kids. How a parent deals with feelings of anger can have a huge impact on how our children will react when they feel angry. Here are some tips to model appropriate behavior when those feelings occur:
Tips to Help Parents Cool Down
- Walk away.
- Take some deep breaths.
- Keep a calm voice.
- Use calm body language (no slamming doors or stomping around).
- Diffuse anger by doing a calming activity (tidy up, take a walk, splash water on your face).
- Fake it until you make it.
- Make a commitment in advance to keep your cool.
- Think about how your actions affect your kids.
- Acknowledge that it is normal for children to push your buttons.
- Try to see the humor in the situation.
Sarah Lyons is a wife and mother of six children living in Olathe.