Ready, set, ... fail? So often, in the course of raising children, we keep our gaze looking toward the next milestone, achievement or success. But did you know that failing needs to be a lesson on the road to maturity? And it’s just as important as achieving success
Perhaps the most important work that needs to be done when embracing failure is defining it. What does failure mean to you? For some people, it’s the end of the world. For others, it’s simply a mistake, a learning and growing experience. One of those perceptions inspires dread, the other gives hope. But the question is a valid one, because what you believe as a parent will be passed down to your children. Your fears will become theirs if you aren’t careful.
“Kids need to learn how to fail so they know they can survive it. When they fail and overcome, they learn that failure doesn’t define them,” says Kansas City teacher Sheri Thompson, who has spent 23 years with children. She has a degree in early childhood education and has taught kids from kindergarten to high school. She is a big believer that parents need to learn to embrace failure in their children’s lives and not try to avoid it at all costs. “When you’re young, you learn the coping mechanisms to overcome failure,” she says. “It’s important because as you grow older, the consequences of failing become greater.”
If children never fail, they never learn they can get past it. This is a huge stumbling block that can develop into a fear of failure and result in kids’ being afraid to try new things. Unless kids deliberately work through this, the fear can continue into adulthood and limit opportunities.
As a parent, you can help your child overcome a fear of failing by focusing more on the effort put into achieving something than the actual goal. Sometimes your child will go into a situation as a top contender. Other times, she may be the underdog. Both of these situations can hold equal victory if you recognize and applaud the fact that she’s giving everything she has toward reaching the goal. Of course, coming out on top, getting the grade or winning the prize is more fun, but recognizing the effort over the outcome gives her the courage to go after the goal again if she falls short.
Thompson says failure teaches persistence, a key to a successful life. “It’s healthy development to learn how to persevere. We want our kids to keep trying. It inspires creativity and tenacity,” she says. It also keeps doors open.
Let’s face it. Everyone fails at something. In fact, the first time you try something, there’s a good chance you will fail. But do you really? If you are stepping out and trying something new—a sport, a hobby, a career—and you don’t come out on top, should that really be counted as failure? Or should it be applauded as going after something new? As having courage?
It’s unrealistic to think your children will be an immediate success at whatever they try. Some kids are natural athletes and hit every shot they shoot or ball that’s pitched. Others have to work hard just to keep their eye on the ball. Some kids seem to be born reciting multiplication facts, and others have to battle through math each step of the way. That’s just the reality of abilities and aptitudes, but they have nothing to do with whether your child is a success or failure. In raising whole and healthy children, help them learn that giving everything they’ve got, no matter how talented they are, should count for more than anything that comes naturally.
We also need to be realistic in our efforts to encourage our children. Not every Little League player is going to make the MLB, nor is every gymnast going to make it to the Olympics. We parents need to manage our expectations and help kids manage theirs. Dr. Kate Roberts says in her article “When Parents Lie,” the words we use are very important. “Researchers at MIT have found that children are not gullible and can, in fact, sense when parents are lying to them, causing them to distrust the very people who are their caretakers. Children also know when parents are withholding information.”
Instead, work on giving children a healthy perspective of self. You can start by telling them what you aren’t good at. Share a time you tried and failed or when you realized you weren’t going to be the Broadway star or the next Albert Einstein. Laugh at yourself and teach your child to do the same. Sign kids up for sports because you want them to exercise and socialize instead of wanting them to get a scholarship. It lessens pressure and allows events to take their course.
Thompson recounts a group outing where a boy walked into the room and said, “Okay, I’m going to be the worst bowler here.” He then proceeded to bowl poorly—but he was able to laugh at his inability and still have a great time with his friends. His lack of skill did not hinder his enjoyment.
Embracing failure doesn’t mean kids give up on their dreams or settle for less than they can be. In fact, it means just the opposite and can be extremely important in achieving success. Thompson says, “It’s okay to have high expectations, just help them recognize they’re going to have setbacks along the way. Help them to be realistic about what they can achieve and encourage them to go for it.”
And if you’re looking for a way to introduce the concept to your kids, I highly recommend the movie Meet the Robinsons by Disney. It focuses on a boy genius named Lewis who spends most of his time looking back at the past and his failures. This quirky movie has an awesome message about focusing on the good that can come out of bad and celebrates the lessons that come from failure. It’s a great way to open the door for your child to see the value of the journey to success.
Checking in:
- Is your child reluctant to try new things?
- Does he procrastinate?
- Is she filled with overwhelming anxiety when faced with a project?
- Is your child a perfectionist?
- Or say things like “I’m not smart enough” or “I’ll never get on the team?”
If you answered yes to several of these questions, your child might be focusing too much on the goal and may need help recognizing that effort, not just outcome, defines success.
Christian Barnes lives in Kansas City with her husband and two nearly grown sons. She’s fascinated by how children think and learn and enjoys sharing any information she’s gathered with others.