A friend. A partner in crime. Someone who notices when you’re gone and immediately wonders where you are. The value that true friendships bring to a child’s life cannot be overstated. Perhaps that’s why we parents often worry about whether our own children are making enough friends. How many should they have? Five? 10? Is there such a thing as too many friends? Or even too few?
The good news is friendship is subjective, and there is no magic number that will make one child more successful or accepted than another. So before you start fretting over the confidant competition, let me make you feel a little better.
Popularity changes with age
Research has shown that popularity doesn’t become a factor in children’s lives in any meaningful way until they’re closer to the age of 9 or 10. Before that, the criteria for a friendship is almost entirely focused on shared activity or interests. For example, two kids who like toy cars will likely find a friendship together. They have little awareness of economics, social status or even physicality. Therefore, this is the time to teach your child about acceptance and diversity. Use these early years to introduce kids to all kinds of new friends. The more diverse, the better. If your child befriends other children with varying backgrounds and stories, he will be far more accepting of others in the future. Lay the groundwork now for your child to be accepting of all people, no matter what, and popularity will become less important later.
Popularity is a slippery slope
As children mature, they may see popularity as a sort of gold ring to aspire to. After all, having a lot of friends must mean a lot of people like them, and who doesn’t want to be liked? But not so fast. As any adult will tell you, popularity can mean a lot of things, but ironically it doesn’t always equate to being liked. As we all know, popularity can also be a side effect of the fear of being disliked. Someone who is incredibly popular may have achieved the popularity via bullying, acquiring “friends” who are too afraid to stand up for themselves. Teach your children to know the difference between someone who is a true friend and someone who might just be using them to gain social clout.
Create a stable foundation for friendship
The easiest way to make sure your child has plenty of friends is to not focus on it too much. Instead of worrying, encourage kids to treat their current friends with respect and—most importantly—to expect that same admiration in return. Foster friendships early on to take root in a healthy way. Read books about inclusion, diversity and acceptance, and call out bad behavior when you see it. You also must lead by example. Your children are watching you. If a new student joins the class, make sure you and your child welcome him with open arms. Get to know the new student’s parents and show your own child how to build the foundation of friendship. When those healthy habits are formed early, friendships will come naturally.
Encourage Evaluation
As kids age, they need to become aware that not every friendship is meant to last forever. Yes, they had 12 amazing friends in kindergarten, but that’s likely not the case now. Thankfully, several of those bonds will naturally begin to soften as children discover their passions and interests have gone in different directions. Occasionally though, some relationships will be harder to walk away from. This is where you come in. If your child becomes focused on an old friendship that is quickly turning into a one-way street, consider encouraging a friendship evaluation. Have your child ask herself these questions about that friendship:
- Who calls/texts/messages whom? Is it 50/50? Or is one person doing all the work?
- Do you feel safe around this person? Or do you feel pressure to show your loyalty in ways that make you uncomfortable?
- Do your other friends like this person? Or do you feel isolated by this person?
- Can you truly trust this person?
Oftentimes, taking a step back and assessing a friendship from a distance can help a child cut ties with toxic friendships quickly.
Numbers don’t matter
Kids who are extroverted and involved in several activities or sports might feel comfortable saying they have 15 or 20 close friends. Conversely, children who are shy and reserved may only ever hope for a network for two to four friends at most. Each child will have a different friend number and, spoiler alert, the number will likely be different than yours. Try not to impose what you think is the right number of friends onto your child. Let the child lead the way. Of course, if you ever hear your child make statements about feeling lonely or ignored, you might want to step in to see where you can help. Otherwise, trust that the foundation you’ve laid will lead your kids down a path to true bonds that give them confidence and camaraderie that will last a lifetime.
The Forms of Friendship:
Every friend has a strength. Here are four friendships to look for that are healthy and helpful.
- The Scholar- This is a friend that helps elevate your child at school. He’ll be there to help study for tests and maybe even offer a little competition for who can get the best grade.
- The Joker – This friend has all the jokes to make your child roll with laughter. She is always ready to make a sad moment happier and help your child forget the pressures of the day.
- The Soulmate- This friend understands your child at a level you can’t even fully understand. He knows when to back off and when to step in. This is often a friend who has known your child since the two were very small—they’ve grown right alongside each other.
- The Opposite – It’s always good to have a friend who views things differently than you do. This friend will push your child to look at things differently. She will change your child’s viewpoint and maybe even have a few heated debates, but she’s always respectful.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.