As our children grow older, it’s natural for them to start pulling away from their parents to spend more time on their own or with their peers. After all, they are starting their prep to leave the nest with some test flights. However, this doesn’t mean that we should allow our relationship with them to become disconnected. This is a time where they are testing the waters and learning how to ride solo—but with your hand still psychologically behind them. This is a phase of parenting where we must learn how to stay connected while they’re learning to break free, even if their rolled eyes and grunts would have us believe differently.
Everyone shows and receives love differently—including our kids. If you don’t know what means the most to your children, ask them or have them take a quick quiz on 5LoveLanguages.com to find out. Then take some time to take note of things that would show them that you care. There’s even a whole book you can read for extra credit called The Five Love Languages for Kids by Gary Chapman. I’d even recommend asking them to fill out a favorite things sheet. You can keep it on the fridge, and they can edit as they think of new things. Putting in the effort up front may make them scoff at you, but it will make staying connected with them easier.
In a nutshell, the five love languages include quality time, physical touch, gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. Let’s begin with quality time. Now, I’m not sure about your tweens and teens, but mine tend to be fairly busy with school, homework, after-school activities and work. Sometimes you see your teens for a few minutes before school, during dinner or when they come home to crash for the night. Our current weekly schedule leaves a couple free days, so we can have more family time then, but otherwise it’s talking as we head to and from everything else. We’re also entering the stage where they are getting home from practice or babysitting later when we parents are ready to go to bed. But we need to be available when they are to be able to catch up and connect. Having a snack ready on those nights and already having our bedtime routine completed are helpful ways to cultivate a chat for a few moments before they head to bed.
Another option for quality time is to invite or even “make” them run errands with you. They may buck at the thought, but maybe you offer a little treat from Betty Rae’s Ice Cream along the way and you just may have some one-on-one time with them on your hands. Karen Hepp, mother of three, says, “I hang out in my kids’ rooms a lot and chat about random things. We prioritize family meals. Sometimes they’re at unconventional times, but we do everything we can to eat together every night and big breakfasts on weekends. Also attending church together consistently on Sundays. I regretted not doing this with my older kids.”
Another way to show your tween some love is through physical touch. I remember sitting on my dad’s lap all through high school just to be silly, but it was definitely a way to connect with him. High fives after practice or games or when kids show you a good grade, hugs before dinner or driving them to their next location, rubbing their backs or playing with their hair, tickle fights, wrestling matches, learning a secret handshake or TikTok dance are all ways to keep showing them love if they think they’re too big for mama’s kisses and snuggles.
Acts of service are another way to show you care. Now it depends on your family dynamic, but my kids love when I clean their room or make their beds for them unexpectedly. Helping them with their assigned chores, helping with homework or making their lunch for them can be a lovely surprise for them—especially if they’re feeling overwhelmed with their course load at the moment. Next is gifts, which I think during this self-centered phase of life most tweens and teens can get excited about. Surprising them with little treats when you pick up groceries at Hy-Vee, sneaking something into their backpacks or picking up their favorite drink from Black Dog Coffeehouse are all surefire ways to tempt smiles from them instead of sullen scowls. This also makes me think of the tip to “baby” them a little bit even if they think they’re too old. Leaving childhood can be a scary transition, so letting them know they’re still your baby can be comforting. We like to scoop them up and say, “Remember when he/she was just a tiny baby?” It’s a cute moment of connection. Looking at a quick photo album on your phone is another way to “remember when” together.
Finally, let’s not forget to show love through our words, either spoken or written. Keep talking to your teens. Keep asking how they are and really listen to their responses. Keep writing them silly notes in their lunchboxes or planners. Keep telling them that you’re proud of them. Bring back the sweet advice I received from Kristina Light, KC Parent’s digital media manager, at a MOPs meeting years ago where you tell your kids five things you love about them. They could groan at such a babyish thing, or they could really need to hear reasons you love them because teenage life is a lot sometimes. I just did this via text to my daughter. Did my text get just a “love” reaction? Yes, but I know it filled her up. There are also journals you can pass back and forth to keep the conversation going even if your schedules don’t line up that well.
Another tip to stay connected as a family is to prioritize and plan a family night like Kim Rauscher, mother of three, recommends. “We do family fun night every week! We play games or watch movies together. It’s my favorite time of the week, gets everyone off screens, and we talk and laugh. It’s great!” Our family has TV shows we only watch as a family. We enjoyed watching The Goldbergs, which felt like our family set in the 1980s and was funny and heartfelt. Recently, we began watching Modern Family, and it’s a little more mature but has brought up some discussion topics as we watch together. It’s given us some family inside jokes too. Teens have shows, music, books and interests that are different than yours, but this is a great time to make their interests your interests. Be curious about what they’re into and ask why they enjoy it. You can even see whether you have an overlapping interest you can enjoy together.
Family trips are also a great way to recharge as a family and don’t have to be a big, expensive excursion. A weekend getaway or even a staycation are great ways to prioritize family time. Head to Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun for the day. Be tourists in your own city. Check out something you have meant to visit but just haven’t yet such as the Museum at Prairiefire or go back to one of your favorites you used to love when they were younger, like Deanna Rose Children’s Farmstead or Fritz’s for burgers and fries. Bottle feeding baby goats and a train’s delivering your food should put a smile on even the biggest kid’s face. Travel host Samantha Brown recently said in a Washington Post article, “Memories of travel for a child are stronger than other important days in their lives, such as their own birthdays or graduations. Fifteen years ago, a child psychologist said something to me that made an incredible impact: ‘When you travel with your kids (or grandkids), it allows your children to see YOU act like a kid—and what that does for their sense of love and security is immeasurable.’”
Another way to stay connected with not only your own teens but their friends too is to be the house they want to hang out at. This means keeping lots of snacks and drinks on hand, having a space they can feel comfortable in and being a safe place for them to relax. Giving experiences as gifts is a great way to pencil in time together too such as amusement park passes or concert tickets.
The five love languages include:
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Gifts
- Acts of service
- Words of affirmation
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 13, Mason, 12, and Slade, 9, and is starting to focus her attention on these tips as her kids enter into a new stage.