Even on the best of days, sibling rivalry is bound to rear its head. Children may fight for any number of reasons, whether it’s over possessions, a desire for attention, a need for control, pure boredom, a competitive nature or simply because they are tired or hungry. As a result, it can be easy for Mom and Dad to feel angry, exasperated and, maybe—if we’re honest—a bit amused when the bickering gets so creative! Sibling rivalry takes its toll on everyone it seems!
Here are some reason why sibling rivalry may occur:
- Birth Order. Just as your children’s birth order has bearing on how they treat one another, so you or your spouse’s birth order will have impact on how you parent. Birth order isn’t hard science, but knowing about it can help you empathize with the relationship dynamics of your own home more intuitively. The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Lehman is a good starting point for parents wanting to know more on this topic.
- Spacing. Children born close together have more in common, more contact with each other and more reason for comparison. All of this access can make for the best of friends or the worst of enemies—sometimes both, depending on the time of day! Likewise, children spaced further apart spend less time together, have different sets of friends and less need for comparison.
- Gender. If one sex is given special treatment over another, it will be a recipe for dysfunction not only between parents and a child, but also between siblings. In many events, sexism doesn’t just happen because of cultural preferences but also because of family makeup. For instance, if a family has three boys and a girl, the girl may be favored simply for being different than the other three.
- Family Circumstances. Living in close quarters, be it a small house or an apartment, can ramp up squabbles simply because individuals have less personal space. Going through a big transition, such as adding a new baby to the mix, losing a loved one, dealing with remarriage or divorce, making a move, or facing financial hardship can shake things up in big ways, too.
Tired parents often scratch their heads and wonder just why kids fight so much. It may seem nonsensical to us adults, but a number of factors are at play, many of which are actually beneficial. First, it’s helpful to acknowledge that not getting along is just part of doing life together and it shows a degree of trust. It’s said that you argue with those that you love because it’s a safe place to express your feelings without fear of rejection. So don’t beat yourself up if your kids argue. It’s not a sign that you’re poorly parenting or doing something wrong. If anything, it’s a sign your kids feel comfortable with each other (though they may feel a little too comfortable!). Second, learning to get along is an advanced skill set that takes a lifetime to refine. The goal shouldn’t be to avoid conflict altogether but to use those situations as learning opportunities for resolving conflict and respectfully and confidently standing up for yourself, while also mastering the art of negotiation and compromise. These are skills all children need as they grow and mature, and it will prepare them to have healthier interpersonal relationships outside your home. Viewing conflict as a training ground—not just a battleground—can be a paradigm shift that helps parents navigate the next tussle between their children.
Tools for Managing Sibling Rivalry
Ditch the Labels.
Our nature is to categorize people and things, but when we communicate that we value our children for how they perform, we pit them against each other. Labeling kids “the smart one,” “the musical prodigy” or “the star athlete” can inadvertently peg our kids into holes they don’t want to stay in long term, while preventing another child from trying something for which his sibling might be known for. Focus on affirming character qualities over talents—virtues such as grit, tenacity, kindness or compassion—so that everyone in the family can root for each other and not feel pressure to compete for Mom and Dad’s approval.
Give Positive Attention.
Some kids are so hungry for parental attention they’ll seek it even if it’s in all the wrong ways. Be on the offensive and seek to fill your kids “love tanks” by spending time with them individually. It can be as simple as running errands together or as lavish as a whole weekend getaway just for the two of you. Be a student of your child and learn the things that make him tick. What are his interests and hobbies? What’s one food he couldn’t live without? What’s the best book he read this year? Delving into the things that your children love is one of the most meaningful ways for them to feel valued.
Add Calm, Not Chaos.
It can be easy to get wound up when you hear yelling from the other room, but kids need to be taught how to navigate conflict by example. Don’t match their volume level or fixate on who did what at the onset. Finding someone to blame is seldom helpful, especially if both were at fault in one way or another. Have everyone take a deep breath and then tell their side of things without interruption, starting with “I felt” statements (“I felt frustrated when you took my doll out of my hands!”). Then ask the kids whether they can find a solution. If they can’t come up with any on their own, offer a few ideas until they can reach an agreement.
Don’t Apologize. Ask Forgiveness.
Making a child apologize when she’s not sorry can be counterproductive because it can feign reconciliation without any true peace being made. Instead of focusing on feeling apologetic, have your child focus on his actions. He doesn’t have to be repentant to acknowledge that he was wrong toward his brother. “I was wrong to push you when I was angry. Will you forgive me?” goes much farther than a trite or insincere, “I’m sorry, okay!” Encourage your children to take responsibility for their actions toward one another and remind them of the importance of being quick to forgive so as not to harbor any bitterness.
Lauren Greenlee is a freelance writer and boymom of four hailing from Olathe.