Consistency is a critical component to good parenting. By instituting rhythms to your days, as well as responding similarly to conflict or bad behavior, you assure a child that certain factors in life are dependable. Making a concerted choice to remain calm, cool and collected when speaking to your child is an investment in your relationship that can help greatly with building emotional bonds. Likewise, providing structure and routine helps children process information and determine how to implement it within the given boundaries.

And believe it or not, consistency is just as important for parents. Establishing your ground rules gives you freedom to rest within them. With consistent boundaries in place, you can refer to your own guidelines for appropriate discipline and household management, avoiding the mistake of making overly harsh or rash decisions in the heat of the moment. Everyone wins when a sense of order prevails in their days and relationships.

How to Be Consistent (Especially When You’re Not)

Two factors often plague parents as they try to establish consistency for their families. The first is a feeling of failure before the job has even begun. For a parent with a Type B personality, the goal of consistency may seem unachievable because to-do lists and personal planners aren’t even personally appealing, let alone translatable to imposing on others. Just how can you enforce a routine on a child if you can’t even manage one for yourself? On the other side of the spectrum is the highly-organized individual who loves having systems and personal goals in place but struggles to translate that into something that isn’t overwhelming for the rest of the crew. The only thing worse than no sense of order to your day is having a meticulous plan that’s not realistic for the life that your family leads! Thankfully, both can be remedied.

Being consistent doesn’t mean you have to be governed by the clock. Instead, it can be as simple as establishing a rhythm that works best for you. An afternoon routine might solely consist of a quiet hour when your kids come home from school, a time where they can relax by reading, taking a nap or listening to an audiobook in their room. Nighttime routines can be as simple as brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, reading a book and singing a song before lights out. Sometimes a visual reminder, such as a picture chart on the fridge, can help a child process what activity comes next. Habits take time to build-it’s said to take close to a month to form new ones and only three days to break them-so be gracious with your children and yourself if you find yourselves in the early stages of building or revamping a routine.  

Consistency in Discipline

Nothing is more confusing to a child than inconsistency in discipline. If one day Mom yells at an infraction and another day she gives it a free pass, a kid is left wondering what’s acceptable and what’s not. This uncertainty can produce several challenging behaviors in children, ranging from passivity to aggression. For others, a lack of predictability can cause extreme anxiety. Being consistent with consequences and boundaries is assuring to children because it lets them know what they can expect. That doesn’t mean your little cutie won’t test your boundaries. In fact, many times kids push and prod to see whether Mom or Dad will cave. But when testing is met with loving firmness, kids feel a sense of safety and reassurance. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page when you establish your ground rules for family life and put those values on display so both you and your children can refer to them when a situation arises. Having a chart with consequences for certain behavior means your kids will quickly know what to expect in your home, so you’re not left to fumble for a response in the heat of the moment.

Parenting is hard work, and oftentimes, expediency trumps predictability. If you want a child to clean his room and he balks at it, it’s easier to clean it up yourself than to train him to persevere until the job is finished. Being consistent requires more of your time and energy initially, but the effort is an investment in your child’s character formation. That investment pays dividends into your relationship, which will strengthen as he grows and matures. And ultimately, it will build confidence and security in a child to do what’s right, whether you are there or not.

Consistency Produces Freedom

Allowing kids to make choices and gain independence is an integral part of a healthy childhood. When you or other caregivers (such as grandparents or babysitters) are inconsistent with the amount of freedom you give, kids can get confused, and a power struggle can ensue. Make sure you maintain an open line of communication with other caregivers so you all remain consistent with the amount of liberty you give. For instance, when homework needs doing might not be up for negotiation but choosing which subject to tackle first can be up for grabs. Other choices include picking out what to wear, choosing a snack or deciding which book to read at night. Similarly, giving children input in how they would like to contribute to family chores helps everyone out. If chores are put on rotation, hold a family meeting and discuss who would like to feed the dog, take out the trash or vacuum the bedrooms next. Being able to have some degree of autonomy within a secure framework produces happy, healthy kids.

Lauren Greenlee is a boy mom hailing from Olathe. She falls into the selective type-A camp-a personality that loves lists and planners but equally cherishes the freedom to go on an adventure at a whim.

           When my first child was born 13 years ago, I was thrilled to be a mom and so in love with my son. This was the moment I had been looking forward to for months. My husband and I had decided I would become a stay-at-home mom, and I was looking forward to all the time I could spend with my son. But after just a few months of adjusting to becoming a mom, I began to feel lonely. I had given up my job and, while I was still head over heels in love with my son, something vital seemed missing. I realized quickly that I lacked adult interaction. Whether you work outside the home or stay at home, have one child or five children, whether you are struggling through the exhausting days and sleepless nights of babies and toddlers or the busy schedules of school-age kids, you need a tribe. Many moms define their tribe as other women who understand where they are in life without having to explain a single thing. They get you, they accept you and they cheer you on as you struggle your way through it. If you’re feeling lonely and are seeking a friend, or two, to laugh and cry with through your current stage of motherhood, I encourage you to find your tribe. Unsure of how to find this invaluable group of women? Here are a few places to start.

            Be open and accepting

            The first step to finding authentic people you can relate to and build lasting relationships with is to be your authentic self. When you’re an open, honest and accepting person, you’ll encourage others to behave the same. Be yourself, listen to what others have to say, accept others for who they are, and relationships will happen organically.  It can be uncomfortable-scary even-to put yourself out there, but the relationships far outweigh the risk when you find true friends.

Scope out common interests

Sometimes, finding people to build friendships with can be challenging. Especially when you have a big life change like a move, becoming a parent or changing jobs. Take inventory of what you love to do or what groups are already existing that you could join. For example, if you love running, join a running club. If you love to read, join or start a book club. If you are a mom, join a playgroup or a mother’s group at a local church. Does the PTO at your school need help? Would you consider being a soccer coach or Boy Scout leader? All these examples are great ways to get involved in your community and make friends along the way. After the birth of our triplets, I joined an online group of triplet moms. Four years later, I am surprised to say that they are some of my closest friends and one of my biggest support systems.      

            Give support and ask for it

            One of the main things that makes a tribe so important is the support given and received during the times when it’s needed most. When my daughter was hospitalized for several weeks, my mother’s group supplied meals, gave my other kids rides to and from school, helped with childcare, sent flowers and cards and basically kept my family going when my husband and I couldn’t have done it on our own. They would not have known how to help if I hadn’t reached out to them and asked. Asking for help can be hard for people who are used to managing the family and are good at it too, but remember, during difficult times friends want to help. Just ask. Conversely, you’ll have the chance to be that kind of blessing to others when they need it. Giving a ride to school, making a little extra food to share, sending a text or talking with a friend when she needs a listening ear doesn’t take much extra effort but goes a long way to building your tribe.

            Finding your tribe can mean stepping outside your comfort zone and reaching out to others when you’d be more comfortable withdrawing. Although the efforts can be difficult, the rewards of deep friendship and mutual support will make your life richer.

Our home has its own soundtrack. During the weekdays, the house is alive with giggles and squeals and the occasional scream as our son prepares for, and arrives home from, preschool. The dogs are constantly barking-especially if FedEx is making a visit-and the smoke detector is likely to go off at least one or twice because I burned the chicken. Again.

The weekend brings its own special audio mix of swinging hammers and electric saws slicing into 2×4’s as my husband works on his latest home reno project. The Moana soundtrack likely blares from Alexa as she entertains my son during his bath.  The refrigerator diligently hums along through it all.

There’s always noise. Not most of the time. Not a great deal of the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

In more recent months, the sound has seemed to swell even more. For this we can thank COVID-19, which has forced our family of five to stay within these walls for what I can only describe as an insurmountable length of time. We seem to have no escape from the constant barrage of clamoring throughout this space.

We’re many months into this journey of constant togetherness, so we made some adjustments to help tune out the crazy clatter. Here’s what we’re trying:

• Give permission for quiet. Our family is a mixed bag of introverts and extroverts, but the fact is, we all need a little time to ourselves. We’ve made a priority of giving our kids-and ourselves-permission to be alone. With our teenage daughters, this is a foregone conclusion. A fully charged phone and a subscription to Netflix are just the ticket. With our 5-year-old son, it’s not so easy. We recently began turning off the “boob tube” (for you youngsters, that’s slang for “television”) and requiring that, for at least one hour, he do something on his own. He can play in his room, take a nap, read, build a city with his trains. But he must do it on his own, quietly. He fought the decree initially but caught on quickly when he realized we were serious. Now, it’s not so hard to convince him.
• Get out’literally. Speak with your partner and preserve one hour of “no talk zone” for each of you per day. Just like the parameters we gave our son. No one can bother your partner while he’s in his hour zone, and vice versa for you. And if I can make a suggestion, use the time for a long walk alone. You will be amazed at how much better you feel after an endorphin boost while birds sing your praises. Or Ozzy Osbourne screeches in your headphones. To each her own.
• Get up earlier than everyone else. Okay, you probably already do this to get a jump on the dishes, laundry or lesson plans for home learning. But if you can swing it, get up an extra 30 minutes before that. Grab a steaming a cup of coffee and just sit €¦ in silence. No phone. No TV. No distractions. Take deep breaths in and let them go. Then get going on the dishes.
• Establish a no-phone zone. Our phones are easily one of the biggest sources of noise. Even if our phones are silenced, we can still hear the vibration or see the light from a notification. Did someone like our Facebook post? Did I just get an interesting notification about a stock I invested in? The sound may not be audible, but phones create mental noise that’s not healthy. Consider taking a few hours a day to turn off your phone. Power it down or put it in airplane mode and leave it alone. Take that walk or go out to the garden. I promise, your notifications will be there when you get back.
• Strip down social media. If you’re like me, you love seeing your best friend’s family photos with cute captions about bubblegum smiles. You get your daily dose of news from Facebook and cheap entertainment from Tik Tok. But guess what? Social media is not real life. The whole intent of Instagram and similar sites is to show a life that isn’t attainable. And real research shows we actually feel worse about ourselves when we see others in their chosen reality. So do yourself a big ol’ favor and set limits on the amount of time you spend on these sites. A quick Google search will show you how to limit your time consumption on apps; you won’t even have to think about it.
• Read. Read. Read.  Spoiler alert: It doesn’t matter what you read. It can be gore. It can be a dishwasher manual.  It can be dark psychological thrillers where people get axe murdered left and right (but that’s just me). Find a quiet corner in your house for 20 minutes a day. Tell yourself you won’t stop reading until you’ve finished two chapters. Reading quiets our minds so we can process the words and make room in our imaginations for the content we’re consuming. It’s one of the best activities you can do to better yourself, your mood and your outlook on life. Also, get yourself a library card and download the Libby app. You can check books out using your library card and have them delivered to your phone. Life changing.
• Truly connect. We’re always hearing, but how often do we really listen? Try an experiment. Ask your spouse or partner a question that requires true thought one night over dinner. For example: “What was the first movie you went to? Tell me about the whole experience.” Then sit back and focus on nothing but the answer. Tune out everything else and intensely listen. Believe me, your partner will be shocked that you care so much about this very ordinary question. As humans, we’ve been trained to all the noises except those that are most important. Really listen; chances are, you’ll be asked the same question in return.

Three Quick Ways to Cut the Noise:

1. Hear healthy noise: Hundreds of apps and white noise makers are available that help drown out the sound of leaky faucets, crickets and neighborhood parties. Get one today and sleep better tonight. White noise is the best noise.
2. Noise cancelling headphones: If you’re working from home, consider purchasing some high-performance noise canceling headphones.  Your concentration is only as good as the noise you’re letting in.
3. Tap into the positive voice in your head: Download some meditation apps that help you to hear the good things in life. You have a spectrum of things you can listen to; focus on the ones that fill your heart and soul.

          We all know as adults how hard it is to admit wrongdoing. But don’t you think that apologizing for that wrongdoing is even worse sometimes? Why is apologizing so hard?! According to PsychologyToday.com, apologizing “requires humility and temporarily reduces one’s self esteem.” For some people, apologizing simply feels too close to humiliation €¦ and no one likes to feel humiliated. Some even see apologizing as a sign of weakness. Sometimes our pride gets in the way of an apology, and other times we may not really be sorry for our behavior, so the apology may not be heartfelt. Regardless of whether you like to do it, learning to apologize is a skill that everyone should know. Let’s find out more about what apologizing can look like for our children.

            As parents, we need to understand there is a developmental continuum for apologizing-meaning you need to have the age and stage of your child in mind when teaching apologies. Although very young children can repeat the words “I’m sorry,” they have no actual understanding to accompany the apology. In effect, the exercise is pointless. Parents.com suggests focusing on teaching children 2 and under what the rules are, because by learning them, they will have less to apologize for later. By nature, 2-year-olds do not care or understand how other people are feeling. In this situation, you can simply make an apology for your child and move on. Children ages 3-5 are developmentally all about “me” and have a hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes, but parents still need to point out how others might be feeling based on their actions. Around the age of 6, children start to better grasp the idea of right and wrong and how their choices can impact others. They may not jump for joy about apologizing, but the reasoning behind it will sink in a bit more. Older children often have more invested in relationships so are more apt to make amends. They’re also capable of offering other ways to make a situation right, ways young children can’t come up with.

            When it comes to the art of the apology, some appropriate steps can guide us through the process. Boys Town social curriculum recommends the following:

• Look the person in the eye.
• Use a sincere voice.
• Say, “I’m sorry for€¦”
• Don’t make excuses for your choices but do explain how you can do better next time.
• Offer to compensate or make the situation right.
• Thank the other person for listening.

Apologizing doesn’t come naturally to children, so be available for specific coaching and helping your child find the right words. Children need language and guidance on how to accept an apology too. I can remember a counselor explaining to my first-grade class that when a person apologizes to you, you do not have to say, “That’s okay.” Oftentimes, what happened is not okay. What you can encourage children to say instead is “I accept your apology” or “Thanks for telling me.”

Children take in so much of what they see and hear around them, so remember, we must set the example. Do not be afraid to apologize to your own children. This both sets a good example and shows kids that making mistakes is part of being human-and it shows kids how to handle it when they do. Katie, an Overland Park mom, says, “I think teaching children the art of apology comes from modeling it yourself. If I say something to hurt my children’s feelings or raise my voice if my son is not behaving, I always go back later and apologize to my child. It is important to show vulnerability and admit to your child that you have made a mistake. Apologizing teaches your child to take responsibility for their actions and also models empathy by realizing you hurt someone and need to make it right.”

            When it comes to helping children learn to apologize, parents must remain patient and committed because it is a gradual learning experience that will take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day €¦ and staying the course will only add to the amazing little (or big!) person you are raising!

Bonus Tips:

*Give some space and time before walking children through an apology. No good can come when emotions and tempers are still high.

*We must be mindful as parents not to force our children to apologize. This will only lead to insincere apologies, embarrassment and possible shutdown or acting out. Encourage your children to apologize and help coach them through it.

*The power behind the apology is the sincerity of the words. It won’t hold much weight if the behavior never changes.

*If your child won’t apologize, don’t stress. You have the option to do it for him and then handle your child later away from the situation.

Julie Collett writes from Overland Park where, even as a grown-up, apologizing is hard!