Equal, but not the Same

"Mom, she got more than I did."

"I want to be sure to get the kids the same number of gifts (or spend the same $ amount)."

"I try to love my kids equally, but it's hard."

These are a few of the comments I've heard or read recently that got me thinking about "treating our children equally." When I had two children (2 years apart) it was fairly simple to divide time, food, and buy gifts that kept things "even" for the most part. Whether deliberate or subconcious, I naturally found I was dividing everything in two, whether it was an apple or letting each pick x # of books to read before bed. But, now that we have four children (ranging from 6 to newborn), "equal" is impractical and very difficult to measure. Before long, it is more a matter of everyone getting "what makes sense" for that child (age, interest, etc) and going from there. I may only read one book to my six year old tonight, but it will be a chapter book. I may read 8 books to my two year old, but they are board books with few words per page. At Christmas, my oldest may get a new bicycle (worth far more than our two-year-old's gifts) - but that is also because our younger girls have inherited all the older sisters' "gently loved" toys AND their own... so they have MORE toys to play with at the age of two than the older girls did.

Age is only one consideration - (albeit a big one) - but interests and personalities are key too. What is special to one isn't to the other. Gary Chapman talks about love languages in the book, "The Five Love Languages" and how people crave different forms of affection according to their own personalities. Whether it is touch (hugs, pats on the back, etc), words (encouragement), time (quality time), acts of service (helping someone out), or gifts (physical gifts, whether a token present or a big gift) - each of us has one prefered "love language" that speaks to our heart more strongly than the rest. Already, I can identify in each of my girls one thing that dominates more than anything else (and secondary languages as well). My oldest craves time most of all... taking her out for an early morning walk before the rest of the family wakes is her favorite thing. She also loves to do things for other people and she's a true servant. My second daughter loves hugs (they all do, but this is really true for her) and gifts. Our third is also a cuddle bug, and the newborn is yet-to-be-determined at the moment. They each respond more to different forms of attention and affection, what one values isn't necessarily top on the wish list for the other.

The bottom line though is that, while we don't treat the girls "the same" (in how we spend time together, gifts given, etc) - we do love them "equally" in that there is NOTHING we wouldn't do for any of them., but we're also accutely aware that each of our girls is an individual with her own personality and we try to honor each girl for who they are as individuals.

And so, our response now when our girls say, "She got more french fries." is, "Yes, she did. Sometimes she gets more, sometimes you get more. That's life. It's best if you don't worry about that, but just be happy with what you have today."  Life isn't "even Steven" and the sooner we learn that, the better. For us, it's our biggest goal is to love each of our girls as they need to be loved and meet their needs as they need to be met, as individuals. And when they ask how much we love them, the answer for all is "So Much We Can't even Think of Enough Words to Tell you." We love them equally, but not the same.

Written by Kristina Light