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From Fear of Motherhood to Joyful Ambassador

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Being a mom is wonderful, exhilarating, exhausting, confusing, guilt-inducing and everything in between. Whether you go into parenting trembling or with open arms, one of the greatest surprises is just how all-consuming it is. As an older mom friend of mine likes to remind me, the trials of her time of mothering young children was feeding them, getting them to bed at a decent time and making sure they got on the school bus on time. No doubt you’ve seen a meme about modern parenting responsibilities floating around that goes something like this:

Make sure your children’s academic, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional, social needs are met while being careful not to overstimulate, under-stimulate, improperly medicate, helicopter-parent or neglect them in a screen-free, processed foods-free, GMO-free, negative energy-free, plastic-free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but also fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free, two-story, multi-lingual home preferably in a cul de sac with a backyard and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two years apart for proper development. And, also, don’t forget the coconut oil.

We laugh because it sounds ridiculous, but it’s also true. There are huge expectations placed on today’s mothers. We have the internet at our fingertips, advice lurking in every space. And with it comes a sense that we should have all the answers or find someone that does—and stat! Instead of freedom, too many choices—from products to pediatrician recommendations to parenting podcasts—can cause decision fatigue and paralysis of analysis. Parenting is supposed to be intuitive, right? So, how can something so simple as loving your child well feel so overwhelming?

The Big Transition

As a mom of four, I’ve been asked what the toughest transition was and, without missing a beat, I will always say going from life without kids to life with my firstborn. Make no mistake, each child changed my world for the better, but nothing prepared me for the overnight switch of living life wild and carefree to then being completely at the mercy of another’s needs day in and day out. I received well-meaning advice from older women about how I needed to savor each moment because it was fleeting. My heart was so full to overflowing with love for my newborn, but my body was sore in places I didn’t even know I had. I was drenched in bodily fluids that weren’t my own. And half the time I couldn’t remember what day it was just because I hadn’t left the house in so long. (Consequently, I was wearing the same outfits for a questionable amount of time.) I was so sleep deprived, it made for a postpartum version of the old film Groundhog Day. What I really needed more than anything—even more than a shower (which, trust me, was so very needed)—was close and treasured community surrounding me as I navigated the life transition B.C. (that is, before children) to life forevermore with my little tribe. Sure, meal trains initially flowed in and with them copious amounts of spaghetti dinners and brownies. But after the last gifted dinner was consumed, I had a deep and aching sense of loneliness coupled with a preconceived notion that I needed to figure this motherhood thing out on my own. It was time to man up … er, make that mom up! Only I couldn’t. My firstborn had colic. My husband worked out on the road with unpredictable hours. Add to that the fact that, for all its naturalness, breastfeeding came anything but easy. I was a hot mess, fully in love with my baby and fully at a loss of what to do.

Moms Have Needs Too

Perhaps your postpartum experience is similar to mine. After the initial baby gifts and meals and visitors have waned, you find yourself wondering how motherhood can be so amazing and so hard all at the same time. You know you need help, but admitting it feels like defeat. Or worse, you may not know what you need, let alone how to communicate it.

Counselor and author of A Mom Is Born Rachael Elmore suggests that what women really need going into motherhood is a “postpartum pack,” that is three to five people who are dependable, trustworthy and empathetic. She suggests that you text a few trusted family members or friends to ask whether they’ll commit to offering three things for you as you prepare for life with a newborn:

1. Be willing to commit to prioritizing correspondence.

2. Periodically check in on you to make sure you’re not isolated.

3. Offer to help in various ways. So what are common new mama needs?

We don’t bat an eye at asking for help with our baby, but asking for help for ourselves can be hard. There’s fear of being rejected or imposing on someone. Being vulnerable about our needs is one of the first steps in being brave and not letting fear permeate our parenting. And the best news? Those that love us most will be honored to accept our request.

No Such Thing As Perfect

One of the most freeing parts of parenting is knowing that there are so many ways to do it well. I have mom friends who are natural nurturers, lead learners, amazing DIY-ers and home decorators, boss babes and marathon runners. Not a single one of them is all of those things, but they each play to their strengths and do motherhood proud in their own ways. Kids don’t need perfect parents, but they do need a mom who delights in them, gives the best of herself without regard to what’s outside of her lane and is willing to apologize when she messes up. It’s all too easy to lose sight of all the ways you’re doing things well if you’re convinced you need to be the type of mom that doesn’t come naturally to you. Shake off the should be’s and embrace your gifts, talents and interests as they pertain to how you connect with your children.

Lauren Greenlee is a sourdough baking, read-aloud reading, structure-loving mom who embraces the hard and seeks to find joy in parenting her four awesome boys. She also freelance writes from her Olathe home!

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