When paperwork is like a pregnancy

It’s easy for me to forget my 3-year-old son doesn’t share common DNA with me or my husband. We’re family nonetheless, and the process to become a family was truly a labor of love.

That labor actually began a few years before he was born, when we began considering different ways to adopt. We knew we could adopt internationally, do a private domestic adoption or adopt through foster care. After attending an informational meeting on international adoption, talking with some social workers and much prayer, we decided to pursue a private domestic adoption.

We chose to work with a Kansas City-based non-profit agency. Nikki DeSimone Pauls, a licensed adoption social worker in the Kansas City area, advised us to keep several things in mind when choosing an agency, including ethics and care for the expectant parents who are considering making an adoption plan for their unborn child. She also stressed the importance of agencies’ counseling expectant parents before they decide to make an adoption plan. Pauls believes the non-profit model is best for adoption agencies. “There is no reason this should be looked at as a business,” she told us.

After we decided on an agency, we began our home study. No matter what kind of adoption one chooses, a home study is a necessity. This process includes providing copies of birth certificates, marriage licenses, financial records, employment information, references, interviews with social workers, background checks, health information and more. The endeavor is time-consuming, and once it’s complete, a social worker will determine approval and write a final report.

As we completed our home study, I also made a profile book about our family with details about us and why we were adopting. Our agency then had this book to present to the biological, expectant parents who get to choose the adoptive parents for their child. We officially began our adoption process around February of the year our son was born, and we were matched with our son’s biological mother at the end of July. This gave us about a month and a half between being matched and the time he was born in mid-September.

At the time of our match, we had little to nothing prepared for a baby in our home. We quickly painted and decorated the room, bought furniture and baby gear and gratefully received donations from friends.

Our son’s biological mother determined the specific plan for his delivery and, in a gracious and selfless act, she allowed me in the delivery room. Additionally, the hospital gave us a room there during the course of his hospital stay.

Other logistics required our attention. Our son was born in Kansas, but we live in Missouri. Adoption law required us to keep him in Kansas until paperwork was exchanged between the states. We stayed with a friend of mine for several days until this happened—something that required us to have our bags packed and ready to go at a moment’s notice in the days leading up to his birth.

Susan Timmons, a licensed adoption social worker in the Kansas City area with more than 30 years of experience, emphasizes the need for flexibility like this in the adoption process.

“There is much that is out of one’s control when adopting, and that can feel scary,” Timmons says. “There are things one can decide, such as what type of adoption to do and what type of child one feels best to parent, but it is impossible to predict the exact timing of things. So one of the things adoptive parents need to recognize is the inherent need for flexibility and the recognition they will not be able to control exactly how things happen.”

Amy Toebben, an adoptive mom in Gladstone, echoes this idea of needing to be flexible.

“There can always be an idea of a plan, but that plan can change at any time,” Toebben says. “It might not necessarily be negative, but it can change.”

Toebben also says having patience and understanding where others are coming from is key. This has been important both for Toebben’s family and for my family in developing and keeping an open relationship with the biological parents of our children.

“I have never met a birthparent who didn’t love their child,” Timmons says. “They are incredibly brave and unselfish as they strive to put the needs of their child first. It is important to know this…to show compassion and give encouragement and recognize the role the birth family has in the child’s life, even if they never see each other again.”

When completing a domestic or international adoption, adoptive families also must consider how they are going to finance the endeavor. Between placement fees, expectant parent counseling, the cost of the home study, attorney fees and assistance often provided to an expectant mother, a domestic adoption generally costs between $15,000 and $30,000 when done through a non-profit agency in the area.

“An agency may spend literally 100 face-to-face hours with an expectant mom during the course of her pregnancy, and we can’t just do that for free,” Pauls says. “We are available 24/7 to these women, and if they need to take advantage of that when they are lying awake at 2:00 a.m, we want them to be able to do that.”

Pauls says she encourages adoptive families to research grants and hold specialty fundraisers with family and friends. Remember, too, a federal adoption tax credit ends up providing significant assistance after the adoption is complete.

Allison Gibeson lives in Lee’s Summit and is the mom of a happy 3-year-old.