Are You Overparenting?

Parents want the best for their kids and have a strong desire for them to be successful in every endeavor. This tendency certainly is borne of positive intentions, but it can backfire, leaving kids unprepared for the natural consequences and realities that come with everyday life as an adult. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, overparenting is defined as “too much involvement by parents in the lives of their children, so that they try to help with or control everything that happens to the child.” Kids who are raised in this environment struggle in college and beyond with basic tasks, common disappointments and self-sufficiency. How do you know whether you are overparenting? Here are some common pitfalls parents can easily fall into and some tips to turn these tendencies around.

            Common pitfall: Power struggles

            Do you often find yourself having a heated debate with your child about something that isn’t important in the grand scheme of things? For example, you may be tempted to argue about your child’s clothing choices, their room not being clean enough or their not playing with toys the “right way,” Perhaps you have strife simply because your child approaches a task differently than you would tackle it yourself. This is a sign you may be overparenting.

            Turn it around: When you find yourself in the middle of another power struggle, pause and reflect about whether it is worth debating. Your children will learn problem solving skills and gain independence from doing things their own way. If it doesn’t work as smoothly as the way you would have done it, that’s to be expected. They will learn the lesson and adjust naturally on their own. The best part will be less arguing and stress in the home.

            Common pitfall: Lack of natural consequences

            One of the hardest things about parenting is watching your children fail. If they don’t make the team, get a bad grade, break a toy or have a disagreement with a friend, parents are often tempted to step in and fix the situation, so their children are not hurt or disappointed. Although intervening seems like a good thing now, it can cause long-lasting challenges for your kids.

            Turn it around: Let them try, make mistakes, and deal with the aftermath—positive or negative—that comes from their actions. Facing natural consequences is hard, but kids who do so are better prepared for making decisions as adults, when the stakes are much higher, and the choices can be life-altering.

            Common pitfall: Lack of responsibilities

            A common sign of overparenting is a lack of age-appropriate expectations and responsibilities. It is tempting to do all the chores around the house, help your children with homework assignments, allow them to give up when things get tough, clean up for them, and assist them with daily tasks they can do on their own. Kids often surprise us with how much they can do by themselves when given the chance to try.

            Turn it around: Start by choosing one task and let your child know he will be responsible for it from now on. Teach him how to do it, let him know you are there to answer questions and help, but he will need to do the task on his own. The task will likely be a struggle at first, but over time he will gain competence and gain a sense of pride. Soon he will be ready to take on more responsibilities and harder tasks.

            Common pitfall: No time for traditional play

            Traditional play and downtime are important for kids’ development because they promote creativity and allow your children rest from the structure and pressures that school and extracurricular activities bring. If your children have so many scheduled activities that they have very little free time, it may be due to overparenting. The best approach is to find a good time balance that equally promotes both traditional play and activities such as sports or artistic interests.

            Turn it around: Ask your children what they are truly interested in and reduce the rest of the activities to allow more free time. Keep in mind their choice may or may not be the activities they excel at. Allowing your children to choose their activities outside the home is important as they gain independence and allows time for them to develop their interests rather than spreading them too thin.

            Parenting is challenging, and changing behavior is even more so. Give yourself grace and make small changes one at a time. Talk to your partner or a friend and ask for support and a fresh perspective on the situation. Try to be receptive to caring suggestions rather than defensive about your actions. Talk openly with your child about some changes you would like to make and why. The hard work will be worth it when your child develops into a healthy, self-sufficient adult ready to face the challenges and successes that life brings.

Quiz: Are You Overparenting?

(Check all that apply)

I often argue with my child about small things.

• I struggle to say no to my child.
• I struggle with allowing my child to make his/her own choices.
• I often rescue my child if I think he/she might fail.
• I hide or fix disappointments or consequences, so my child doesn’t have to face them.
• I tend to worry about things other parents don’t.
• I compare my child to other children.
• I sometimes argue with other adults about how they treat my child.
• I don’t expect my kids to pitch in around the house.
• Our life is so full of activities we don’t have any downtime.
• I often find myself picking up after my child.
• I tend to get overly involved in my child’s relationships.
• I struggle to find interests and hobbies outside of my kids.
• If things get hard, I allow my kids to give up.
• I notice my child is unable to do things his/her peers can do independently (dress, cook a meal, keep track of assignments, etc.).
• If something scares me, I don’t allow my child to try it.
• I often give in to my child's requests if he/she pesters me long enough.

If you checked any of the boxes above, it may be worth loosening the reins a bit to make sure you aren’t falling into the habit of overparenting.

Sarah Lyons is a part-time freelance writer and a full-time mom. She lives in Olathe with her family.